VIRTUALLY HERScame out Oct. 2009. Get it atSAMHAIN Publishing. VIRTUALLY ONE coming soon. VIRTUALLY HERSOUT IN PRINT AUG 2010.
I've also made available at AmazonBIG BAD WOLFa COS Commando book, an earlier manuscript about Killian Nicholas Langley. You can sample the first five chapters right here. EBOOK now available for KINDLE, NOOK, and at SMASHWORDS for $4.99.
I appreciate all your emails. If you'd like to buy Virtually His NEW, please contact me. Thank you.
Declare yours and make it public among hundreds of know-it-alls. Come on. I dare you.
Mine: I resolve to get Virtually Hers published. By hook or by crook.
Happy New Year, good friends and all. Unless something fantastic comes up that I just simply have to post and share, see you on the other side. And hey, drive safely!
Here's wishing you good luck, joy and prosperity for 2009!
If you haven't heard, Oprah's recent picks of sad autobiographies have hilariously turned out to be all lies, from Frey's recovering druggie to the Holocaust runaway who was reared by wolves to the latest, a Holocaust survivor who claimed to have met his wife at the fence of one of the camps. Every one of these writers were praised by Oprah and recommended by her reading club, and thus, shot up in the bestselling lists.
I hope Oprah won't give up on memoirs. Because I'm writing one. Here's a short synopsis of my book, tentatively titled Every Little Step:
When I was a little girl, I ran away from my brutal stepfather who planned to sell me to this older man who already had eleven wives. I was determined not to be the twelfth. So I escaped on foot from the family castle. Unfortunately, in those days, I still bound my feet.
Oh, the pain of running in bound feet! Every step was torture, like big iron tongs burning my three-inch stumps. Only the thought of my future husband, the evil Wascally Wang, and the knowledge that he'd surely subjugate me as his property, made me hobble along even faster.
I made my way through the Malaysian jungles, which were filled with thorny bushes that cut into my bound feet, right through my bindings and bloodying my tender mishappened flesh underneath. My brutal stepfather's minions was coming from the left. I could hear my evil betrothal's servants coming from the right. I was trapped!
Then two giant dodobirds appeared from nowhere! One took the horde on the left; the other went after the one on the right. It turned out, my saviors were the last two surviving dodobirds in the universe. They were females and knew they were the last of their kind. Because of my injuries--my poor bound feet were ripped to shreds--they took me to their dodonest, hidden among the deep thorny forest, and adopted me.
I found that dodobird saliva had special healing powers and I spent years soaking my three-inch deformed pancakes that I called feet in that special slimey juice. It smelled bad, but I got used to it. My dodobird mamas lovingly took care of me. When I was finally able to look at my feet again, lo and behold! Miracle of miracles, I had normal human feet!
To my sad horror, my dodobird mamas were disgusted at the sight because they'd thought they'd saved a dodobird, since dodobirds walked funny. Like the way I used to. But I no longer do. I walked and skipped like a normal human being and they were disgusted.
My heart broke when they cast me aside. I had to wander off alone. I hitched a ride on a rhinoceros out of the forest. After many years, I saved enough money to go to the United States to look for freedom because you know, everyone was free there. I paid off a pirate and he exported me as a cheap computer part. That was tough but not as bad as having bound feet.
Today, I can safely say I stand here strong and independent--the innovative owner of an import/export company of rare medicinal dodobird spit--and very proud of each and every one of my feat.
What? It's a tearjerker, come on! Surely Oprah would love it because it's a story about feminism and strong females against the world and winning. Come on! No cackling over there! I'm sitting here waiting for my six-figure advance.
I'm grinning like a happy piglet. See the big goofy smile? I know, I know, the uberauthor looks like Uncombed Uncaffeined UberOther too but DON'T pay attention to THAT.
It's really for a rather silly reason too because it's ultimately meaningless, but I'm having a ball showing it off anyway (hey, little celebrations make my day these days).
What is it, what is it?
It's my Amazon sales ranking. This morning it was 20,000 something, up from 1,000,000 from yesterday. AHAHAHAHA. You know what would be the bestest New Year present? If Big Bad Wolf somehow shot up to the top 900. That would be aWHsome Sauce (that's another new phrase to add to my blog post below. That crept into my vocab too, from somewhere...awhsome sauce).
Anyway, can I say a wOOt for you girls? Because I didn't do this, you know--YOU DID. Some of you went and bought a few dozen books from Amazon last night while I slept and gave me a neat surprise present this morning. And that's why I have this cheeky li'l grin.
Your turn: what silly little thing happened to you today that made you dance a little jig?
Thank you for ordering my book from either GLOW WORLD or at Amazon. I'm so psyched! Why? I'm getting my stories out again ;-). AND, according to accounts, I'm up to 20 sold, so the expenses (buying cover photos, etc.) have been paid off and I have some left for a Christmas present, yay! ;-)
Many doggy kisses from the hungry mutant furbabies too. LOL. Yes, I'm pulling out all the stops.... No heartstrings shall be left untugged. Next post, the infamous threat of boiled puppy....
This is my annual collection of funky words, phrases and netcronyms that I've come across while netsurfing this year. Please share if you have any new jargon.
1) Intertubes; Intrawebs More and more I see these words being used instead of our very old-fashioned Internet. I'm one of the guilty ones.
2) GMAFB Short for Gimme a frigging break.
3) OhNoSecond That flash of a instance when you realized that you've made a mistake, like hitting SEND to an email meant for someone else.
4) NCMO Non-commital Make-out. I'm serious, that's what it stands for.
5) Bromance Snark among fans who ship hetero-heros as fan-fic. I personally have the best fun snerking at the bromance between House and Wilson.
6) Dead Tree Edition Paper version. Yup, those green peeps don't call it a book any more. :-/
7) YMMV This stumped me for a day or two. Your milleage may vary. This is tagged on when you're disagreeing with some poster so as not to incite the poster into thinking you think she's so stupid for disagreeing with you.
8) E-tact Tact in our electronic world. Like breaking up with your ex- by texting a message means you don't have any, like, e-tact.
9) Mouse potato You see them everywhere, this generation hooked online, their right hand fixed on that mouse.
10) WAGS an acronym used particularly (but not exclusively) by the British tabloid press to describe the Wives And Girlfriends of the England national football team. I learned that from the overdose that is Giselle Bundsen.
11) MOW or FTW Made of win. For the win. Said when you're in total agreement with someone who said something that's just so AwHsome. Or, as an enthusiastic phrase to end a post, for example, "GLow FTW!"
12) 404 Calling someone 404 means he's clueless.
13) Alpha Geek The most knowledgeable tech in the group. Hey, if you can't be Alpha Male, you could be Alpha Geek.
14) Starter marriages A short term first marriage that ends with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
15) TeH funny, it burns It's all these LOLcat talk, I tell you. Anyway, just spell the TeH and make all adjectives into nouns, and you got lulz talk, sigh. Examples: TeH stupid, it runs our country, or, TeH crazy, there's no end.
16) tl;dr This is my newest favorite. Too long; didn't read. When you find yourself skimming a long post that goes on and on and on, especially a crazy ranter giving teh crazy about why everyone is wrong, wrong, wrong, and then someone shoots you an email and asks "zomg, did you read what she said?! Wasn't that teh stupid?!," you just shoot back smugly, "tl;dr." HAHAHAHAHA. I find that amusing for some reason.
There you go, friends, new corruption of our English for 2008-09 for you to get hipped on. Or hopping mad at.
I'm sure I forgot a bunch but these have been very popular the past six months. Do you have any to add? Any questions? Are we tight?
Here's one of my Christmas presents. It's BOCHOX. It says on the package:
Relief from the symptons of wrinkles and crow's feet without ever entering the dermatologist's office. Simply break off the desired dosage and consume; you'll quickly be overcome by stress-relieving endorphins and no longer be concerned in the slighest about wrinkles.
Yeah! I'm going to consume the whole bar in one sitting and wouldn't I look and feel great then!
Speaking of feeling, I went shopping today and FELT the little Acer 8.9" purty little notebook on sale at Best Buy. Oh, it FELT so mineminemine, but I didn't succumb to the temptation, even at $300. It was such a gorgeous blue color too and I swear it had my name blinking on the screen. I had to be led away by my friend. Gently.
The thing is, it didn't come with any word processing program, and if I have to buy an external CD to load my own WORD on, that would cost another $100. So, yeah, it's not really, really $300. More like $450. But I felt it and it felt and looked like one of those eye make-up boxes we used to buy when we were young, you know, the ones with 500 shades. Maybe I'm just attracted to cute pearly colored boxes. Hmm.
********************************
Thank you for those who have bought Big Bad Wolf already! I sold ten units yesterday, with two international orders that I need to fill.
Still waiting for Amazon to put up my page. Then I'll really be in business ;-). Meanwhile, want some Bochox?
Happy Day After Christmas ;-). Any good presents to report?
It isn't up on the Amazon site yet but you can purchase Big Bad Wolf at GLOW WORLD. The shipping charges varies but cost me about $3 to Florida.
Ordering from here will make me a couple of dollars more than at Amazon, which charges more for the privilege of the access. If you're ordering just one book, please get it from GLOW WORLD, but if you're ordering in bulk, going over $25, it's better to wait for my book to show up at Amazon because you can take advantage of the free shipping.
BOOK STORE OWNERS and interested OVERSEAS readers/bookstore owners, please contact me via email.
BOOK STORE OWNERS I can order bulk at an author's discount rate for book stores and will also ship overseas because it'd be cheaper through me.
OVERSEAS/INTERNATIONAL I heard Amazon charges an arm and a leg for overseas shipping. Depending on location, I can probably include shipping for the price of the book.
If I do get these types of orders, I'll set up a Paypal button for payment and you can pay that way.
This is going to be an interesting experiment ;-). My next adventure is doing a local signing at the book store of BBW and all my other books. I'll also share with you the "numbers" because we're in this business venture together, yes?
Yo, sandcrabs my loves! I've highjacked this blog to get to you because THEY have set me on time-out at our SeKreT place. I know you missed me. I miss you back. So, like a li'l sneakfish I am sneaking in, with my sneaky li'l surfin' switchboard, on Christmas Day when no one's looking, to give you s surrrrrprise.
I want to give you a Christmas present because I love you soooo much. I know Intel has been scarce lately but I'm going to make it up to you with:
WHEN THEY FIRST MET, a Top SeKret File that Gennita is passing on to uber-spy editors right now. Love me back?
Yesssshhhhhhh. Now you'll have to tell me how much and in how many ways.
And now...got to run, my beloved sandbabies. They will come for me soon and I will have to deal with the punishment.
Blogger is looking into it, according to the Blogger forums. It's affecting many blogs, so there, it's NOT me and my "cowboy style" of coding, as one funny reader tells me ;-).
Speaking of that funny reader, she related an anecdote about Keanu Klaatu that had me choking on my pistachios:
The sad part isn't that his acting is so stiff and robotic. That's bad enough, but it's not acting. o_O I was on a flight with him several years ago. I spent the better part of seven hours watching him flirt with the flight attendants in that stiff inflection-less voice from the opposite side of the aisle. Swear by all that's holy, the man actually laughed in monotone. I still have nightmares about it. I wonder if his voice changes in pitch during sex... Probably not.
SEVEN hours watching Keanu Klaatu flirt in monotone. Man. That's worse than a noisy baby three aisle down.... I feel for you, my funny reader, so much so I won't let myself be insulted by being your source of amusement for my "slap-dash wild west coding approach for your blog." Ha, I say. It works, doesn't it? Eventually....
You know how I started "understanding" the coding? By looking at it like a foreign language. When I was eighteen and my then boyfriend and his nerd brother started yakking away about ancient and dead computer coding stuff (let's see, COBOL, Commodore, even Basic), my eyes would glaze over after about twenty minutes of listening to their secret language. I was forced to try to understand computers and how they worked after our breakup because I didn't know how to do much with the Apple IIe other than typing a paper into it and hit CONTROL P. So sad. The realization that I depended so much on that bast...I mean, boyfriend...disturbed me.
LOL. Okay, TMI territory. Where was I?
Conclusion: Being alone and working among people who wasn't computer savvy forced me to be smarter than I really am. Hahahahaha. But it's true. If not for people shrugging at me and my inability to understand any techie over the phone, I wouldn't have braved the world of secret computer coding on my own, to stare at HTML and say (with a deep breath and a prayer), "Okay, I can do this. Pretend it's French in hieroglyphics, only much much more difficult."
So voila! You see the results.
Hmm. Now that I think about it, I use this wild west approach in everything I do, including learning how to roof without first knowing stuff like...toolbelts, utility knives, or, umm...the different hammers. I was hungry, so I took a deep breath and said, "Okay, I can do this. Pretend it's like writing an essay, only with a lot more sweat than inspiration involved."
And voila! Here be your uber roofer author.
This is my roundabout way of saying that when Amazon.com puts Big Bad Wolf on their site (still waiting), it'll be official. I've also ventured into the Wild West of self-publishing. I've basically done it without much knowledge or talking to anyone. I do have the advantage of understanding enough about how the publishing business works, though, but that's also founded upon my past business experience of being an independent contractor. So yes, I'm a novice and yet, I'm not.
Many people will laugh, like they did when they saw my crazy coding or the sight of me on a roof (that's me, spreading amusement everywhere I go *grin*), but I'm hoping that, like my first tentative steps at understanding the computer and at trying to compete with men swinging and twirling hammers like drum sticks, I'll learn from it and be successful too.
In the end, it's just that part of me that refuses to let myself lie down because of excuses like
a) (computers are) too complicated b) (roofing) is too hard c) (computers, roofing, POD self-publishing) is too untraditional
because if I've done that, I wouldn't be where I am now. To me, it's always fun to know that I can do it, have done it, and even though my ways might be a bit "wild west," I'm still able to achieve what I set out to do, i.e., be able to talk computers and do something with them, be able to take care of myself with my brain or my muscles, and lastly, in this venture, be able to give my readers those stories that they want but my publisher has rejected.
CAN I SAY DIAMOND AND T's STORY? They've been rejected enough, dammit! :-)
Okay, I must be high on Christmas candy. Forgive me. Listen to Bing Crosby's White Christmas instead. There is no other voice on earth perfect for Christmas songs than Bing's.
I'm sure you're all busy with family and I appreciate your dropping by at this crazy woman's blog to read in between festive fun. Merry Christmas to you and yours and may you get everything you wish for, even if you've been a bad girl or boy all year ;-).
Bear with me while I learn. The first button likes the POST. The second button likes the BLOG site. Please help me by "liking" me. Thanks!
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I'm up this late watching The Legend of the Seeker and the actor playing Richard Cypher's beautiful abs.
What's your excuse? ;-) Oh yeah, you expect me to believe you're wrapping presents, right? Yawn. Can you believe I have to work today (Sunday)? Yah. I need ze money.
So while I work, enjoy the eye candy of Richard Cypher's chest. Them Aussie boys, man, they grow them good Down Under, don't they?
As you can see, I only watch this show for its sword and sorcery ;-).
Because my blog widget isn't updating recent comments, I wanted to point to a recent comment by Evangeline at my POLL ABOUT VHERS post. I think she brought up some interesting points that would make a good debate. I'll post a thought or two about that later (sorry, roof work calleth) but would love to hear your view on her thoughts about self-publication.
It'd be cool if the five people who took the poll and clicked "No, I can wait" could post their views too, even if anonymously ;-). I'm thinking your reasons for choosing to wait would add something extra to the debate.
Brilliant! Congratulations, Heather, and please pick the prize you would like for such an apt caption. Send me your snailmail addy, unless you pick the Amazon gift cert., which will be sent through email.
****************************** Also, stupid comment widget still not working and I read that Blogger's comment widget has been doing the same thing too. It's all Keanu's fault, I tell you. He wants a sequel titled "The Day The Comments Stood Still" and he, too, would be brilliant in the role because he would just be commenting about mankind with the same expression throughout the whole movie.
"What have you done to our comment widgets?" asked the President of Blogger World. "Your comment widget?" he would say, in that dead voice.
*************************** What do you want for Christmas?
I have no idea why my Recent Comments widget is showing comments from September instead of the most current ones. I've installed different widgets and they all do the same. Sigh.
Just hate this kind of technical mysteries. Just hurt my brain. And of course, no solution whatsoever. Let me know if you're aware that it's all Blogger's fault and not my end, I beg you, because these things make me stay up all night as if the whole world's future depends on my widget to work.
I blame Keanu Klaatu. He has put a curse my techy thingimajics.
I've decided I want to be one of those ooh-ing and ahh-ing women on late-night infomercials.
My #1 choice would be for the In-Styler. Those women sitting at the table with the wide-eyed "wow" look at shiny hair. I can do that.
My #2 choice would be for the air-brush foundation compressor, Luminess. Those women with the look of lust and ecstasy as the spray of compressor air hits their face with paint. I can do that.
My #3 choice would be for the in-home colon irrigation kit. The very satisfied expression on the patient's face as the "doctor" show her amazingly shaped dried-up product from her bowel movements was just...beatific. I CAN DO THAT.
Christmas through New Year is always a slow time for blogging and news. Not on the highway in Florida. Our cops here think it festive to dress up as elves and give out speeding tickets as presents. Niiiiiice. Wonder whether my taxes paid for their cute costumes.
************* I'll pick the winner of the Keanu! Klaatu Barada Nikto! later today. You guys are too kind to dear KeanuKlaatu. Either that, or you're in a good Christmas and giving mood ;-).
So, are you done with your gift-shopping? Are there anything out there that is a must-have? I have two 17 year-olds and a young teen to shop for and I have no idea what to give them, since I know what they want is out of my budget zone. Gah.
Is SANTACON coming to your city? Check the list on this site.
What is Santacon? Well, as far as I can tell, it's like mass loads of Santas walking around everywhere at a pre-arranged place in different cities. The event is also called Santarchy. Here are some photos from last year.
It sounds like a wild and wooly time, from all accounts. Have any of you attended a SantaCon/Santarchy? I think it'd be a good background for a romantic comedy novella. With the real Santa playing fairy godfather to our hero and heroine. Ideas, ideas...wish I have time to write this one. But I'm in the middle of getting my Viking Dude proposal done, now that the BBW Project is completed. So into the Ideas Folder this goes until next year, maybe.
a very silly game that you'll find yourself playing. Because throwing snowballs is fun, even fake ones. Don't blame me when you look at the clock and see that you've lost fifteen minutes throwing projectiles at running nekkid Santas.
Books are wonderful gifts. Here are some great reasons:
1) They are relatively cheap 2) They promote mental health 3) They are easy to wrap 4) You can read it first before gifting them 5) They take you away from boring daily life 6) They help starving authors to buy Christmas gifts for their loved ones
So many absolutely irrefutable reasons. Why would you want to go walking round and round in the malls when you could be browsing bookshelves of...books?! (In my best Craig Ferguson--of whom I adore, adore, adore--imitation) I know! I'm such a genius.
And of course I have a few ways for you to get a good book:
The Keanu! BlahBlahBlah! Caption Contest will be open till Friday, so put on your funny thinking caps. Come on...look at the prizes ;-). BOOKS! Or, don't you at least want a $10 Amazon gift cert.? It can go to pay for your order of, ahem, Big Bad Wolf. Just sayin'.
And when does Big Bad Wolf go live, anyway, Jenn?
Well, glad you asked. I just finished reading the ARC for typos and making changes and will be waiting for Amazon's email to me for the thumbs up. Then you can start ordering. I'm just so happy to get this ready before Christmas.
I was also thinking that some of you might need suggestions for new authors to try out to get to $25, which qualifies you for free shipping at Amazon. Let's put out some names on this thread.
Who is a new author you've discovered this year that you've really enjoyed?
My recommendation is Ilona Andrews' superb Magic series. It's urban fantasy, with a heroine who's a mercenary who cleans up magic gone wrong in a post-apocalyptic Atlanta (YO, LADY ZANNAH!!!!!). The love interest is the Lord of Beast, a werelion named Curran. Trust me. You want to meet Curran. ;-)
Your turn.
There, some of your Christmas shopping anxieties taken care of. I know! I'm a genius!
You know that famous line in The Day The Earth Stood Still: Klaatu Barada Nikto!
Here's a chance for you to yell this out at Keanu Reeves on the remake and tell me what you mean.
For example: Keanu! Klaatu Barada Nikto! = Keanu! Your face is so expressive!
or Keanu! Stop looking dead!
or Keanu! Best acting ever!
or Keanu! Excellent adventure, Not!
;-)
Winner picks one of these prizes:
1) $10 Amazon gift certificate sent through email
2) The first five chapters of Virtually Hers (approx. 100 pages)
3) A science fiction book of my choice
4) A paranormal book of my choice
5) Keanu Reeves reading Shakespeare's The Tempest to you, all the parts, in one long monotone
Umm, #5 is a joke, in case you got overly excited and picked it. You can still choose it, of course, but this Shakespearean version never existed, for which we should all be grateful.
Let's see how good your alien language interpretation is! ;-)
I thought I'd entertain your Sunday with a must-have-been time-consuming research study on penises. Because, you know, that's such an important subject to males--alpha or not ;-).
The stuff I have to read for romance research :::grin::: What can I say? The more I read up on male antics, the more I shake my head. Because everything always ends up to do with their manly nether parts.
Here are some test conclusions from the article:
1) 90 percent of women actually prefers thicker penises to longer ones.
My thoughts: Well, it depends on how thick it is, doesn't it? I'm sure if it has the circumference of a sweet potato, it'd send quite a number of us running. I'm sure y'all are going to let me know your thoughts on this ;-).
2) 55 percent of men aren't satisfied with their penis length.
My thoughts: Really? I'd figured it would be 100 percent. Don't men, like, compare penises all the time? They even have a name for it in this article--small penis syndrome (SPS). I kid you not. They have a syndrome for that. What, do we get to give a speshul name to our feelings of inadequacies too? Such as, small breasts syndrome (SBS)? Big Butt Syndrome? (BBS)
3) Men think of the stupidest ways to enlarge their penises.
THIS IS WHAT MEN DO WHEN THEY ARE THINKING WITH THEIR PENISES. Supposedly, these are true and tried methods:
The doctors point out some ancient tried and true methods for penis enlargement, but these aren’t any more comfortable. Indian Sadhus men, for example, use weights to increase their penis length, while the Topamina of Brazil encourage poisonous snakes to bite their penises to get a size boost that lasts six months.
The doctors pointed out that these aren't "comfortable" methods. NOT COMFORTABLE? How about stupendously insane? I can't think of a more painful way than to let some snakes bite my weener so that I look swollen for six months. Besides walking funny, wouldn't the sex act be the LAST thing on one's mind when one's penis is flaming swollen and INFECTED by snake poison?!
If you happened to see a guy walking funny and bent over, look closely. Maybe he's dangling a 50 lb barbell from his penis. You never know, the study says this method works, so don't be surprised some guy reads it and decides to give it a try.
Here's my contribution to dick enlargement: How about coating the penis with honey and then inviting 1000 African honeybees to sit on you for lunch? I'm sure the stings and catatonic pain would be so worth the results. Just make sure you aren't allergic to bees, of course.
You know what I'm going to do with this article, don't you? Have one of the SEALs cut it out and show it to Cucumber. Oh, I'm sure he's going to have something funny to say about big manly parts ;-).
You can read the rest of this ARTICLE HERE. Enjoy! And be sure to let me know if you think of any other more interesting ways to contribute to help males on how to enlarge their thang.
Bear with me while I learn. The first button likes the POST. The second button likes the BLOG site. Please help me by "liking" me. Thanks!
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Thank you, everyone, for posting their favorite character(s) and scenes(s). It makes me smile to know that they've given you so much pleasure and enjoyment. I hope one day someone will talk about Killian and Jaymee like that too.
Bad Puppy and Alpha Male played an elaborate game of toss-the-snacks that are individually wrapped with paper written with each name to come up with the winner. The last snack that got wolfed down by the bad boys get the ARC for Big Bad Wolf.
Will SARA please email me with your snail mail addy? Congratulations, you'll get a copy of BBW for Christmas, or around then ;-).
Thank you for entering my little giveaway, everyone!
Publication Update: Almost done with reading for typos. Hopefully ready to go live in a week!
This happy doggie made me laugh. I haven't seen snow this deep in years, but I remember letting out one of my first mutant poms after a huge snow storm years ago in Ohio. He wasn't as enthusiastic about it as this furbaby, though.
Nothing like a playful doggie to start a day with a smile, yes?
Have a happy weekend! More happy videos coming....
This post is written for those looking for VIRTUALLY HERS in book stores.
The new poll above is done out of curiosity on my part because the first rejection for Virtually Hers has come in (given without having even read the ms). I was expecting it since it's very rare for a big publisher to pick up on a series' second book. No word on Grace Happens yet because it's December and near Christmas. Manuscripts, for some reason, don't get read around this time of year ;-P.
I just felt like doing a quick head count because I'm getting about ten emails a day asking for Virtually Hers from readers who don't come to this blog but are searching for this book. My Stat Counter is also noting that many visitors are coming here from Search Engines looking for Virtually Hers. VHers, as you know, was supposed to come out right now (December 2008) and that's why there are so many inquiries. So I thought I would get you and the new visitors (and add my emails) to do my poll to gauge interest.
To be honest, my expectations for Virtually Hers and Virtually One being picked up aren't very high right now. Many writer friends have advised me to just put those stories in the drawer and wait a few years. And even if I were fortunate enough to get a new New York contract for this series, it'd probably be another year (or more) before you see them in print, hence the "no, I can wait" choice in the poll.
I figure, while I'm trying to sell new stories (Grace's and the Viking urban fantasy) to New York, why let a crucial part of the GLOW world die in a drawer? If I do sell the other commando stories in the future, I'm sure people would come back and pick up Jed's and Hell's trilogy (or more) at Amazon, right? Especially if I get them out in a timely manner without years of waiting.... ;-)
This being the month VHers was supposed to be out, I just feel really guilty leaving so many readers hanging for the rest of the story, especially when I have Book 2 available and Book 3 waiting to be finished (couldn't before while waiting for editor approval). Their disappointed emails these past three weeks are weighing heavily on my puny writing shoulders.
I could have made a bid on Ebay, beat out the .99 cents and become Illinoi's newest senator. Then I could have asked for a bailout for the book industry ;-).
If you don't know what I'm talking about, Illinoi's governor was arrested yesterday for allegedly trying to sell Obama's soon-to-be vacated Senator seat.
According to the affidavit, in recorded phone calls at his home and campaign office, Blagojevich considered numerous ways that he might personally and politically gain from the various candidates to succeed Obama, none of whom were identified by name in the court filing.
One possible choice might be able to help him secure a post with the new administration as secretary of health and human services or energy; a "three-way" deal involving a union and another candidate might win him a union-leadership post; or perhaps, he could secure the high-paying helm of a nonprofit organization that could be created for him.
You can read the rest HERE. Anyway, someone pretending to be Bogda put the seat up for sale on Ebay for a while (screenshot above can be enlarged) and someone actually put in a .99 cent bid before it was taken down ;-). I could have won and secured a nonprofit organization created just for me (and my buddies, if you're good to me...), dammit.
Bear with me while I learn. The first button likes the POST. The second button likes the BLOG site. Please help me by "liking" me. Thanks!
NO NEED TO CLICK TILL I TELL YA: RESERVED FOR NOT SAFE FOR WORK STUFF
I'm still reading the proofcopy of BBW and the brain always turns to mush when one is concentrating on words and not the story. I so wish I have Stephen King as my blog ghostwriter.
Wouldn't that be cool? He'd have Uber Monsters taking over the my Psyche and make my posts really scary and evil. Or make every one of my next twenty posts exactly the same sentence (all reading and no posting make Gennita a dull girl....). Or have the Blog become a monster and start killing off the postees one by one...wait, that would be all fifteen of you ;-). Kidding, girlfriends (and boyfriend Vince), just kiddddingggg.
But where was I? Oh, yeah, I thought this ESPN commercial with King as ghostwriter very amusing. And yeah, it'd be fun to pretend to be him ghostwriting this blog for a few days, wouldn't it? My idea of fun, I guess, is a bit odd.
And oh, check out that typewriter SK was using! I haven't seen one in twenty years, LOL.
See that grin? It means I'm pleased with what I'm holding. Nice and shiny. Tight binding. Clean quality paper. And the cover doesn't have tiny stick figures!
Check out the proof copy (ARC) for Big Bad Wolf, my dears. I'll be going through it for typos tonight and when I'm done making changes, I'm signing and giving it away to a reader who posts on this thread. Tell me your favorite thing in the COS world. Anything...favorite commando, favorite scene, favorite SEAL joke, favorite...ahem...position :-). I'll pick the winner on Thursday. Hurry! This is the FIRST COPY off the press! A collector's item, indeedy.
As you know, this is the story of one of the missing COS commandos, Number Three, who are mentioned here and there in my other books. If all goes well, you'll be able to order this from Amazon in a couple of weeks.
Here's the back side, a little lopsided, sorry. We took out that yellow everyone didn't like and used another picture. If you want to read the blurb, I think you can click for the enlarged jpg.
I'm quite excited about this little side project! I learned a lot and it made me feel good to get something done.
The weather has been beautiful in Central Florida this weekend, so I abandoned the reading and my current writing problem and spent much of it outside weeding and raking my garden. It helps me to think things through while I'm digging out roots and unwanted plants.
But avoidance isn't going to solve the problem ;-), so I'm back on the grind, trying to rewrite the final chapters of Grace, which is proving a bit stubborn. See, I was a headhopping ho in the days I was writing this story and I've included unneccessary point of views of minor characters. It was easy to take those out at the beginning when they were mostly a few sentences long, but now I find an entire scene written from this minor character's POV playing an important part in Grace's most dangerous moments! Bah.
I'd forgotten that this character held the key to a clue, so now I'm sort of stuck, trying to figure out how to rewrite this scene. I could just leave this POV in--I've seen sudden POVs popping up in books before--but for some reason, I feel like I'm cheating, like it's the easy way out. Bah again. I sure didn't think I was doing anything wrong when I wrote it the first time.
Weeding was sort of an appropriate activity since I was also "weeding" this manuscript. Do I have the answer? Not really.
So of course I fell into the Black Hole of Googleworm's Tunnel. I went hunting for stuff for my virtual reality books, looking for the new techy stuff in science that I could use on Hell. The Interwebs is a dangerous place to play in, I tell you.
This website is selling alpha male hypnosis tapes using...ahem...BRAIN ENTRAINMENT. You know, the technology I put in Virtually His. Of course, I was curious as to what an Alpha Male is, according to this seller. Well. Be curious no more. Here is part of a list of how YOUR MAN can change once he is brain-entrained with the Alpha Male's attitude:
Establish Alpha Male Status Achieve Your Dreams Magnify Financial Abundance Improve Time Management Develop A Win Win Attitude Grow Wisdom Increase Happiness Gain "Strength-Of-Steel" Confidence Control Emotions Smash Depression Destroy Bad Habits Conquer Manipulating Be The Life of the Party Have Confidence with Girls Increase Flirting Skills Have Great Sex How to Handle Women Well Increase Love Increase Seduction Improve Planning Develop Effortless Rapport Redesign Yourself Improve Relationships Success with Women Rise Over Shyness Understanding Girls Effortlessly Sense What Girls Want Increase Female Interest
Yes, you didn't know your non-Alpha male is just one depressed, wisdom-lacking, no-planning skillz loser, did you? Heehee. I kind of like the "strength of steel" confidence promise myself. And oh, "increase time management." Like, perhaps the Brain-Entrained Alpha Male can fuck and cook at the same time. For hours. To "effortlessly sense what girls want." Hmm. Yeah, massage every night, baby. And don't forget between the toes....
I'm not sure what "bad habits" would be destroyed from a non-alpha male. Nail biting? A slouch? Leaving his socks everywhere? Truly, if this brain-entrainment program can realign the male to pick up dirty plates and laundry off the floor, as well as giving up the remote, I'll start calling him Alpha whenever he wants!
So, I scrolled down some more, reading about the "key alpha male hynopsis features," a program that uses "the latest & most powerful techniques in Nero-acoustic, 3D Animation, Digital Video, Brainwave Entrainment & Hypnosis Scripts." Not sure what Nero-acoustic means, unless it sets your brain on fire while you listen to some mad fiddling.
But wait! I spied something: "Pick from Over 24 Different Models" using "attractive women." Say what? Is it possible I've stumbled upon some virtual reality sex brain-entrainment too? So I scrolled down some more and...
Hey, check it out, you get to pick your little Alpha Making Strumpet. Dear Would-Be Nero-Alpha Male, meet Anjali, Stormie and the two Celines.
In fact, there are about 20 other virtual girls just waiting to train your non-Alpha dude. Hmm. I wonder what the conversations during these brain-entrainment sessions would be like? ***grin
Alas, I don't know how much the download will cost but if you're considering this as a Christmas present, do please let me know so I can include this as part of my research. You know I'm going to use this somewhere in the Virtual books....
Flyboy: "Why are you walking so funny, dude?"
Armando: "It's called the Alpha Confidence strut."
Flyboy: "You've been playing with the brain entrainment shit again, haven't you?"
Armando: "I see dead Caesars."
Flyboy: "That's it, man, you gotta stop. I know you're the newest commando and all and want to catch up with our sheer Alpha Maleness, but taking drugs and using that brainwave machine won't get you there any faster."
Armando: "Says the man who hasn't reached first base with Hell to the man who's on second base."
Flyboy: "What? WHAT? What have you been doing with Hell?!"
Armando: "I hear dead Caesars."
And you think I made most of the stuff up, tsk. Maybe I'll just set up a site to train Alpha Male wanna-bes. I just find the idea of training and alphaness very ironic and amusing. Maybe you have some ideas to help me set up this new program?
Bear with me while I learn. The first button likes the POST. The second button likes the BLOG site. Please help me by "liking" me. Thanks!
NO NEED TO CLICK TILL I TELL YA: RESERVED FOR NOT SAFE FOR WORK STUFF
For those of you who have been following the cute Chiba Six live cam at the bottom of my blog, watching those little furballs grow into crazy fur bundles, they'll be leaving for their new moms and dads this Sunday. So enjoy them for the next few days. For me, they were a joy to follow daily, especially during the nights when I've struggled with words and bills. Watching them piled on top of each other, sleeping the sleep of the innocent, makes one's heart hurt. I'll miss them.
I was reading a sex scene between an angel and a mermaid in true form. I had to stop--I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt--when he stimulated the opening under her anal fin.
It's an erotic tale (ahem) but the anal fin really yanked me out of the story. I'll never look at the Walmart fishies the same again. Fish sex. Bad fish jokes kept floating around...:-P
Ever had an erotic sex scene having the opposite effect on you?
I was setting up a signing for Big Bad Wolf at my friend's bookstore (she ordered 50 books!) and we got around to talking about the book business (there was some major downsizing and bad news in the book industry yesterday) and the economy in general. I asked her whether people were buying less books and she told me no, business has been steady. But her business relies on used books being returned and rebought, so I think maybe people are buying more used books.
My friend worked for Walmart a while back and still has connections with book buyers. She told me that the big stores like Walmart and BN aren't ordering at all, especially new authors, and she was getting phone calls from people asking for titles that they couldn't find. Many readers don't want to wait, so they get really disappointed when they can't find that particular book immediately. My friend is now stocking more new books than ever, so that's a good thing. Maybe independent book stores will get back some of the business they lost when the brick-and-mortar giant stores came into town.
I know many of us internetz-hoppers think the world revolve around our dot-coms, but in reality, internet sales for books are just a drop in the bucket for the book business. The item of choice is still the printed book because many readers live in small towns and cities and they don't commute to work by bus or subway, so don't need to bring their e-readers anywhere. Also, where I am in Florida, the readers are mostly retired women and they don't want to mess with electronic gadgets or readers with tiny fonts. They like the "fun" of driving to a store because it TAKES TIME and they have plenty of that, unlike us working gals ;-).
Talking about time, I have plenty of that nowadays too because of the lack of roofing. So I can understand how it doesn't seem like so much trouble to drive to the book store because...well, hell, I have 10 hours to fill up. Not all of us, it seems, are drunk on the Kindle Koolaid, the must-download-now syndrome. So I drive to my friend's store and mingle with the readers and find out what they are interested in reading these days. It's like my little Cheers bar, without the alcohol.
Anyway, the subject being time and joblessness, we started wracking our brains on how to help Gennita make a living. I guess they are tired of me hanging around ;-). Through the remarkable trivia knowledge of romance readers, here are some of the interesting things I can do to make some extra bucks:
1) chimney sweep Do you know there is only one chimney sweep in the Yellow Pages that serves three counties around here? It could be because well, it's Florida, and we get to use our chimneys--if we have one--maybe twice a year. But hey, my reading friends opine that this dude could do with some competition this year. I could be a part-time chimney sweep and gutter cleaner.
2) Publix cake decorator/bread baker It seems that there is a shortage in my area for someone who can actually spell or tell time. There are many who apply for the job but they don't stay long because, according to this lady who worked at Publix, the bakery area requires hard work and detail-oriented personalities, and most of those who apply think they're just there to sell cakes and cookies. There is a lot of time-oriented chores involved and not many seem to be able to follow a schedule and get the decorating right. Huh. So I could be your new bakery chick because I CAN SPELL.
3) Manuscript reader There are still sooooo many aspiring authors out there. It seems everyone has a friend or a son or an uncle who has a manuscript that they want me to read. They'll pay me to look at their work. No. Just...no.
4) Toe nail painter This woman actually has a job opening for me. Her employees are all Vietnamese and I look Asian, so.... I don't know how to paint my own toenails. How am I going to make other people's toes look good? Anyway, it was an entertaining twenty minutes listening to her tell me what the job entails--callouse-scrubbing and filing, dry-skin defoliation, cuticle-cutting, pretty-feet powdering.
I don't suppose it'd be very interesting to introduce myself as rooferauthor-toenailpainter-sometime chimney sweep, would it? Oh, you can forget about the tailor bit in the title. I can't sew. At least, when I'm done with the needle and thread, it doesn't LOOK like sewing.
As I slowly work my way through editing and updating Grace's story, a few things struck me about this particular manuscript.
1) The heroine is my youngest ever. This being Grace--you know, Jed's daughter--she's a little different from most young ladies. She's around 22. Her story starts around five years after Big Bad Wolf. To give perspective, it's also roughly a bit after that period of time His Jedness gets entangled with a certain Hell ;-).
Anyway, the way Grace behaves and thinks is a challenge because she has that "I'm young and immortal" psyche crossed with "I'm uber spy's daughter and I've seen stuff" attitude. There are moments when she acts overly-confident thus driving her lover up the wall because he has trouble seeing her beyond that 22 year-old facade.
2) This is also the biggest age difference between h/h. The hero is around 31, nine years older than Grace. To the old girl in me, he's really just sliding into real manhood ;-) but while writing Grace, I have to see him through her eyes. When I was around 20, anyone 30 or older is out of my league and vice-versa. The nine-year age gap is bigger during that time than between a 26 and a 35 year-old.
So Grace (and I) has a lot of fun out-witting this poor OLD dude of 31 who doesn't know that he's messing around with Number Nine's daughter. Needless to say, the youth thing keeps tripping him up.
As you know, I wrote this book many years ago. I have to update the lingo and technology as I rewrite. It also made me think whether I could write another story with such a youthful couple. They arequite different compared to later couples I created who are a few years older. Grace doesn't have that sophisticated layer that her GEM friends have nor does she have any baggage. In fact, she's pretty well-balanced in spite of her strange upbringing. If you've read her in BBW, you'll find that she hasn't changed much since then.
My curiosity then is this--how old do you like your couples? Especially the hero?
When I started reading romances in my teens, the heroines were forever around 18 or 20, with the heros at the disgusting ages of 36-39. This vast difference in age was quite normal back then, and yeah, even though I loved those stories, I was always quite horrified at the thought of my hero being that OLD. When I returned to romances a decade later, a lot have changed, including the age difference. The heroines are now older too, usually between mid- to late- twenties. The heros are also younger, thank God. Reflection of the times and all that.
However, I'm now past the disgusting ages of 36-39 and suddenly, early forties heros are quite reasonably acceptable in my mind again ;-). Hey, early forties can be the new sexy, you know. Isn't that funny how that works?
So now I'm curious because I have both Grace-age readers and readers who are in that "disgusting" age group ;-). What do you younger readers think of the older heros? Conversely, what do you more, ahem, experienced ladies think of the younger heros? Admittedly, 31 here is quite acceptable, but I'm not sure whether I'd get into a romance with, let's say, a 25 year-old hero.
For example, the youngest hero I've ever read was in a Susan Johnson historical and he was a very, very, very, very, very, VERY experienced 18. I couldn't get into that story at all because well...18 is a BOY, no matter how sexy. I kept seeing my neighbor's son while reading it. Ugh.
I'm looking forward to reading about your take on hero's and heroine's ages/age difference, so please chime in.
Okay, the poll for Bourne vs Bond (Craig) is done and Bourne won 66 percent to Bond's 33 percent. Whoa. I honestly didn't think it would such a landslide ;-). So, are you saying Bond is McCain, heroic, yes, but still old and out of touch? Heh, heh. Kidding, kidding, Bond fans. After all, me lurv Da Tux.
I suppose we like the Unemotional Assassinator more because he was just uber-efficient even without his memory. His storyline (memory loss, yet wow, look at the skillz, inside conspiracy) was fascinating compared to Bond's, which was the usual uber world domination. Bourne also was on the run, which puts the audience on his side, going along with him on the ride. Bond was mostly on the chase, especially in QoS, even though he was one or two steps slower than the bad guys occasionally.
Nonetheless, I was shallow enough to vote for Bond because Bourne is missing the seductiveness of the Bond smile ;-) and the occasional nonchalant humor as he tosses his lines.
Strange woman in speeding car: "Get in." Bond: "All right."
Strange woman: "There's a car behind us." Bond: "Probably not to give you a speeding ticket."
Bourne would just go all Terminator and won't take the time for a bit of romancing. Tsk. Takes the fun out of spying, if you ask me.
I love me my Bourne, don't get me wrong. After all, techno-thrillers is my thing, what with all that mind-control/sleeper stuff going on. Huh. Where did I read that before...***grin*** I haven't read the later Ludlum books that were ghost-written, by the way--are they any good? Do they read different to you?
On an aside note: I wonder whether His Jedness is more Bourne or Bond?
"I want you by my side, not like some illusion up ahead all the time. I want to hear you breathe hard, so I know this is real."--Rick Harden in FACING FEAR
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