The Wealthy Way

My roofing job gives me a different view about people and the way they live. I meet many people who help expand my ideas in my books. This for example:

I'm currently working on a tile job, fixing up some damaged tiles, of a house. A HUGE house. The kind of house that is in a development where all the houses have attached HANGERS. Yup, they fly planes in and out of this place.

Anyway, I'm fixing this roof. There is an empty tract of land next to this huge house. It belongs to the owner of the house I'm on. Next door is another HUGE house. Six-car garage, private theatre, two hangers. My contractor friend is working there, expanding the basement into a playroom. For the son of the owner. The owner? Yes, it is also the same person who owns the house whose roof I'm working on.

Now why would this person own three houses side by side by side, you ask? Well, here's the plan. The family will move into the house with the new basement playroom as soon as it's done. Meanwhile, the house I'm on will get fixed up by my contractor friend to be sold. AFTER it's sold, the owner will then build an equally HUGE house with hanger, theatre, bowling alley, what-not, on the empty lot in between. And move into that. And sell the house with the playroom basement.

Got that? :D

Now, draw your character as a writer. Or plan a mystery plot around that!

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Menage duck trois

Question to writers: Where do you get your ideas?



Ahem.

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Steampunk Confusion

The site, Regretsy, sells things.  And many of these things make one wonder.  And also not, if you had ever gone to yard sales and watched other people's junk being snatched up like treasures.

Anyway, Steampunk is being hailed as the new up and coming HOT TREND.  What is Steampunk, you ask?  Well, it's hard to pinpoint because many of the new books published under that heading have various twists of the founding (although they didn't coin the term) writers such as H.G. Wells and Mary Shelley.  Think Victorian age, steam-powered machines, and throw in some science fiction.  Many writers have incorporated alternative history and time travel elements, but definitely, the culture and feel of the setting is Victorian-ish, from fashion to speaking mannerism to architecture.

What has this to do with Regretsy?  Regretsy has a label at its site called "Things That Are Not Steampunk" which had me choking over my coffee.  First, they show the item for sale that the seller has labeled steampunk, then they used their own artists to render a Steampunk depiction using said Sale Item.

For example, ladies and gentleman, venture closer and marvel at the Steampunk Jesus Clock.

Real Item:

Regretsy's depiction:

You can read the hilarious comments HERE.  Personally, the hole where the hands are supposed to is very disturbing.  Also, why no hands?  You have to read some of the wittier observations, such as the hour the Lord is happy. *choke

Another item is this Steampunk Hat:

Okay, a space Jedi on a hat does not a Steampunk story make.  BELOW is Regretsy's depiction of this hat Steampunk-style:

You can check out the visitors' mockery HERE.

:D 

I suppose the readers' confusion will grow when more and more Steampunk books hit the shelves.  Especially when the werewolves and vampires start showing up.  Come on, you know they will.  Werewolves and vampires all wear Victorian clothes!  All righty, then.

Happy Labor's Day!

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A Conference For COMCEN Peeps!

I'd love to attend it too. It is The Augmented Reality Event, a conference about Virtual Reality and how to make it even more immersive for those experiencing it. Sure, it's mostly targeted at video games right now, but you know the government labs are taking that one step further.

In my writing about Hell using the VR suits, I've neglected the use of shoes. The Adidas shoe that's shown in the article gave me an idea, so TADA! Hell, you're going to have a shoe experience ;-).

It's always fun to do research and implement it into one's stories. With the concept of VR, I have to keep up a lot more than with other research because it's constantly expanding and I don't want Hell's and Jed's VR tech to fall behind current science!

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Ladies, How About Vajazzling?

You know I'm going to have Hell or Marlena getting one in Virtually One, right? I mean, what would shock Jed and Stash more than my two ladies coming home from shopping one day with their vajayjays vajazzled?

Are YOU game? LOL.



So, first you use that "Button" Blush, then you Vajazzle...what next?

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Bet You've Never Read About This Were/Shifter!

I was googling and researching for a "cute" sidekick for my (urban fantasy pseudo-satire) Viking Dude heroine (demon slayer). Cute with a little bit of magic, I thought. Hmm. Shifter abilities? Okay, of course. Maybe give him an Asian background? Why not? Something embarassing about him to be revealed later? Oh yeah, that sounds like fun.

Muse was having a bit of fun with me.

Then I found the entry on the Japanese TANUKI, a rodent-dog shapeshifter with humongous balls. Cute and sidekickish, yes! So I googled some more, looking at pictures and already playing with plotlines and jokes.

Then I saw this Japanese commercial below, a KIDDIE commercial. Wait for the ending. Wow. I don't remember this in my version of Red Riding Hood ;-). You'd think the big bad wolf might have changed his menu after seeing that!

All she said was "Wow." Wow?!

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Pornigami: You Too Can Make Jed's Scimitar of Lurv

You know you want to try it. You know you want to make it like the Jedness' likeness. You know, Hell's "Scimitar of Lurv." You know it's going to be the funnest thing to do while you're bored.

I dare ya.

I'm going to offer a workshop on pornigami at RWA next year, what d'ya say? And yeah, these would make fantastic napkin placements for an important dinner! :D

Oh, NSFW. I think.

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Stretching The Muscle

Ahem. It's Friday GLowiki time, heh heh. The acronyms in these articles caught my attention. And the content made me think, "Hmm...this is just the sort of thing my readers want to know on Friday."

I have no words for this, but I thought it might interest y'all, especially my few male readers ;-).

This ain't TIARA or NOPAIN. It's NORM, NOHARMM, BUFF, and NOCIRC. Yes, it's a lot of TMI about the PNI 4SKN (read that out loud).

From another site, one way to achieve "growth" is stimulated growth by tension. If you click on this second link, MAKE SURE YOU AREN'T AT WORK. NSFW because of adult PNI pics. But surely you want to take peek at the different instruments used to stretch that magic piece of skin.

Alas, dudes, the writers of that article warned against using DUCT TAPE. You see? They understand what goes on in your minds.

So what have we learned, my dears? Yes, it's sad. Duct tape can't be used on everything, dammit.

Your thoughts in this matter is also greatly appreciated. Please share. ;-)

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Tell Me What Is The Next Uber

I'm going to ask this question on my romantic suspense panel at RT but I thought it'd be fun to hear your answers, especially for those readers who are into fantasy/urban fantasy/paranormal romance.

For example, vampires and werewolves are just old news. The market is saturated with vampire slayers and werewolve lifemates. There are now a slew of series that include "new" beings as heros, such as:

Demons (once the Big Bad, some are now actual heros, with some interesting greyness in their character make-up, of course)
Angels (and they aren't your mama's cherubic boys either. These angels are super beings who have sexual appetites)
Mages
Faes (the expansive mythology behind faes and fairies give lots of different twists to worldbuilding)
Norse myths (not quite saturating the market yet but in the last month, I've seen three books about Norse gods)
Greek gods/Greek myths (pretty standard for a while, actually)
Witches
Djinns
Zombies (iz the new black. Lotsa zombie books. Munch, munch, yum)

So what is next? I'm writing a time-traveling Viking with some Greek myth twist, but nothing to do with vampire hunters and daemons...I think. LOL, what can I say, I'm a pantser. I've no idea what's coming late in the book, except, of course, the Big Bad.

Maybe you can strike my fanciful imagination. What do you see as a different kind of hero or a different kind of Big Bad?

I know many readers and friends have suggested writing Chinese mythology as an aspect. I'm not opposed to it but to be honest, I haven't found the right combination of epic plot to make it work. Also, have you seen Chinese vampires? Argh. Green zombified hoppers. So not romantic.

Your turn.

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How To Swing Your Ass Fifty Feet In The Air

I'm getting pretty good at climbing that five-storey straight-up ladder. Not even a pause today! I find that, if you just concentrate on the act of climbing, and not think about how high you really are, the anxiety of not being able to make it to the top doesn't show up.

I know what you're thinking--Jenn, it's not the reaching the top part I'm afraid of; it's the FALLING off the ladder part. See, the height doesn't scare me. I just get a bit nervous when my arms get tired and I start to doubt my ability to hold on to my weight as I pull myself up each rung. Then my mind starts playing tricks on me, telling me that I have twenty more feet and boy, what if those arms don't have the strength to go that far. It's similar to holding one's breath underwater and thinking "thirty more seconds." Those seconds suddenly seem to take forever to count out.

Coming down is another exercise altogether. First, I have to climb over the railing to reach the first rung which is about two feet below. Basically, that means I'm in mid-air for a fraction of a second as I hold on to the railing, one foot balanced on the board and the other trustingly reaching down. Trustingly, because really, I can't look downward too long because that would unbalance me.

Then there is the problem with the hardhat. Because it makes my head a couple of inches taller, I'm always bumping into steel joints as I duck down. My brain can't tell that my head is "taller" so I'm just bending down low like normal to avoid a head injury, then WHACK! my hardhat hits the darn rod and I go OW! So, anyway, when I step over the railing to take that first rung, I have to also remember to lower my head enough as I slip between the railings. If I forget and whack my hardhat, I might panic and lose my concentration.

Am I scaring you? ;-) Don't be. It's not as complicated as I make it, but it IS definitely something one has to learn.

Anyway, the best method of climbing down 50+ feet is to swing your ass left and right the opposite direction of the arm holding the rung above you. Pretend you're a pendulum. Got that? In my opinion, going down a long way by holding the sides of a ladder is not conducive to speed or agility. The hands get tired from gripping and then I start to wrap my forearms around the sides, protectively pulling myself in. Nothing wrong with that, but it slows the climb down a lot when your arm is wrapped around a rung.

My ass-swinging method, on the other hand, creates a momentum that takes me less than a minute and a half tops to get back on solid ground. Don't look down for any reason, for heaven's sake. I'm not talking about being panicked by the height, but the sight of all the avid male faces gazing up with their mouths open might set you off into a giggly fit, and that's really no way to fall splat on your ass.

Hmm. I think I'll make an exercise video.

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My Day At The Beach

If you ever watched The Amazing Race, you'd know about the usual tasks and roadblocks. Contestants sometimes are asked to climb incredible heights and then cross planks to get to another location.

Well, guess what I did today. Yup. Five stories in the air. You know those ladders you see in the circus, the ones that the trapeze artistes use to get to their swings? They go straight up, up, up and it takes them forever to reach their seats way, way up there?

Uh huh. That's how I felt today. Trapeze artiste extraordinaire. Except that I had a hard hat and a tool belt on. Then I walked across these planks in mid-air (with no balancing umbrella). I also leaned over a lot. I discovered that climbing down was a lot more difficult than climbing up because I had to look DOWN. You know, bungee jumping doesn't look so scary after all.

You know this adventure is going to be in a commando scene in a future book. And the heroine would look a lot cooler than my dusty, paint-speckled (there were painters spraying the floors as I climbed up), grimy and windblown state today, for sure.

Lisa, didn't you try to bribe me with a foot massage for a read of Virtually Hers? Your offer sounds more and more tempting everyday.

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Train Your Very Own Alpha Male

The weather has been beautiful in Central Florida this weekend, so I abandoned the reading and my current writing problem and spent much of it outside weeding and raking my garden. It helps me to think things through while I'm digging out roots and unwanted plants.

But avoidance isn't going to solve the problem ;-), so I'm back on the grind, trying to rewrite the final chapters of Grace, which is proving a bit stubborn. See, I was a headhopping ho in the days I was writing this story and I've included unneccessary point of views of minor characters. It was easy to take those out at the beginning when they were mostly a few sentences long, but now I find an entire scene written from this minor character's POV playing an important part in Grace's most dangerous moments! Bah.

I'd forgotten that this character held the key to a clue, so now I'm sort of stuck, trying to figure out how to rewrite this scene. I could just leave this POV in--I've seen sudden POVs popping up in books before--but for some reason, I feel like I'm cheating, like it's the easy way out. Bah again. I sure didn't think I was doing anything wrong when I wrote it the first time.

Weeding was sort of an appropriate activity since I was also "weeding" this manuscript. Do I have the answer? Not really.

So of course I fell into the Black Hole of Googleworm's Tunnel. I went hunting for stuff for my virtual reality books, looking for the new techy stuff in science that I could use on Hell. The Interwebs is a dangerous place to play in, I tell you.

Lookee what I found:

YOU TOO CAN TRAIN YOUR MALE TO BE ALPHA MALE


This website is selling alpha male hypnosis tapes using...ahem...BRAIN ENTRAINMENT. You know, the technology I put in Virtually His. Of course, I was curious as to what an Alpha Male is, according to this seller. Well. Be curious no more. Here is part of a list of how YOUR MAN can change once he is brain-entrained with the Alpha Male's attitude:

Establish Alpha Male Status
Achieve Your Dreams
Magnify Financial Abundance
Improve Time Management
Develop A Win Win Attitude
Grow Wisdom
Increase Happiness
Gain "Strength-Of-Steel" Confidence
Control Emotions
Smash Depression
Destroy Bad Habits
Conquer Manipulating
Be The Life of the Party
Have Confidence with Girls
Increase Flirting Skills
Have Great Sex
How to Handle Women Well
Increase Love
Increase Seduction
Improve Planning
Develop Effortless Rapport
Redesign Yourself
Improve Relationships
Success with Women
Rise Over Shyness
Understanding Girls
Effortlessly Sense What Girls Want
Increase Female Interest

Yes, you didn't know your non-Alpha male is just one depressed, wisdom-lacking, no-planning skillz loser, did you? Heehee. I kind of like the "strength of steel" confidence promise myself. And oh, "increase time management." Like, perhaps the Brain-Entrained Alpha Male can fuck and cook at the same time. For hours. To "effortlessly sense what girls want." Hmm. Yeah, massage every night, baby. And don't forget between the toes....

I'm not sure what "bad habits" would be destroyed from a non-alpha male. Nail biting? A slouch? Leaving his socks everywhere? Truly, if this brain-entrainment program can realign the male to pick up dirty plates and laundry off the floor, as well as giving up the remote, I'll start calling him Alpha whenever he wants!

So, I scrolled down some more, reading about the "key alpha male hynopsis features," a program that uses "the latest & most powerful techniques in Nero-acoustic, 3D Animation, Digital Video, Brainwave Entrainment & Hypnosis Scripts." Not sure what Nero-acoustic means, unless it sets your brain on fire while you listen to some mad fiddling.

But wait! I spied something: "Pick from Over 24 Different Models" using "attractive women." Say what? Is it possible I've stumbled upon some virtual reality sex brain-entrainment too? So I scrolled down some more and...

Hey, check it out, you get to pick your little Alpha Making Strumpet. Dear Would-Be Nero-Alpha Male, meet Anjali, Stormie and the two Celines.




In fact, there are about 20 other virtual girls just waiting to train your non-Alpha dude. Hmm. I wonder what the conversations during these brain-entrainment sessions would be like? ***grin

Alas, I don't know how much the download will cost but if you're considering this as a Christmas present, do please let me know so I can include this as part of my research. You know I'm going to use this somewhere in the Virtual books....

Flyboy: "Why are you walking so funny, dude?"

Armando: "It's called the Alpha Confidence strut."

Flyboy: "You've been playing with the brain entrainment shit again, haven't you?"

Armando: "I see dead Caesars."

Flyboy: "That's it, man, you gotta stop. I know you're the newest commando and all and want to catch up with our sheer Alpha Maleness, but taking drugs and using that brainwave machine won't get you there any faster."

Armando: "Says the man who hasn't reached first base with Hell to the man who's on second base."

Flyboy: "What? WHAT? What have you been doing with Hell?!"

Armando: "I hear dead Caesars."

And you think I made most of the stuff up, tsk. Maybe I'll just set up a site to train Alpha Male wanna-bes. I just find the idea of training and alphaness very ironic and amusing. Maybe you have some ideas to help me set up this new program?

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Uber Virgin

I grew up believing Doris Day was the world's oldest virgin, per her nickname, but yo, British's Oldest Virgin just celebrated her 105th birthday.

Her secret for long life? Yup. No sex.

She has never had sex because she was "too busy" for intimate relationships which seemed like "a lot of hassle".

Too much hassle, she said, knowingly. Ahem. There you have it. No drink, no smoke, now no sex.

I wonder whether she read romance novels and erotica ;-).

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My Uber Advice Of The Day

When hanging upside down, DO NOT SNEEZE.

I shall put that in the GLOW fortune cookies for sale soon.

I'm working on revising the next BBW chapter for you (as soon as I wind down). I'm curious to hear your take:

What do you think is going to happen next between poor Killian and poor Jaymee? ;-)

Also, what other things shouldn't you attempt to do while hanging upside down from the roof?

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Things To Do This Weekend

Think EXTRAORDINARY! Because I can't do this:





I'll have to stick to other kinds of creative outlets ;-). I'll be struggling, like Deirdre Martin here....




Hmm...I wonder whether wearing a pair of cowboy boots would get the creative juices flowing.

But I need more inspiration. I'm writing a sexy tortured hero with a warped sense of humor. Hmm. Who better than...



Oh yeah. He's as tall as a Viking. A bit on the nutty side. And he can wield a sword. Yes!

So, what do you think?

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I Write You Wax Some More

Iago is killing me. I hate Iago.

But lookee here...can you see why Kivanc has the many faces of a COS Commando? ;-)





Pretty. Who shall I use him for inspiration? While you tell me, I shall suffer here dissecting the metaphysical aspects of Iago in Othello (sounds kinky). Oh yeah. Deep stuff. Can I have more Kivanc love please?

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Post #2: Hey, I Showed The Doc My Two Written Pages

Do you know what taking TWO Xanax in the space of an hour does to you? Come on, let's compare noooooooooooooootttttes.

EDITED TO ADD: I see weird puppies, sneaking back and forth behind my back. I don't want to know what they are sneaking.

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Porcupine Romance: Let Me Show You It

Well.

I'm speechless.

Today, Ranger Buddy needed help googling to get some extra credit points for his Psych class. Not a problem. I'm the Google Queen, after all.

The extra point topic? I have no idea how it pertains to psych class: PORCUPINES MATE COURTSHIP BEHAVIOR.

Argh. This is even worse than the donkey show I linked to. Of course I have to share the deets. It's all about the romance, anyway.

Passionate Porcupine Copulating Dance

This article tells you how a horny porcupine will behave in his/her cage as she awaits his/her mate. I can see the student who's, uh, stimulating the female porcupine so she could write down her reaction for her paper.

"With his pointed penis fully unsheathed and erect, [the male] rears up on his hind legs and, from a distance of about six feet, begins to squirt her with urine — an amazing feat, since most male animals cannot urinate with an erection. She does not like the scent bath and growls, snarls, and snaps at him until he stops.

"He often approaches her on only three paws, using one paw to hold his penis and gently stroke it...."

Argh, the image is hurtin' my tender eyes.

This following short passage is from http://www.straightdope.com/:

Porcupine sex is not the exercise in S&M you might imagine but it does have its kinky aspects. I quote from Roze: "Perhaps the strangest aspect of the interaction is male urine-hosing of the female. The male approaches on his hind legs and tail, grunting in a low tone. His penis springs erect. He then becomes a urine cannon, squirting high-pressure jets of urine at the female. Everything suggests the urine is fired by ejaculation, not released by normal bladder pressure.... In less than a minute, a female may be thoroughly wetted from nose to tail."

Me: Eww. Urinized by a porcupine. Eww. Eww. Note to self: No were-porcupine stories, except maybe for Literotica.

So much for foreplay. If the female decides now is the time, she hoists up her rump a bit and raises her tail, the underside of which is quill-less, and curves it up over her back, covering the quills thereon and exposing her genitalia. The male then approaches in a gingerly manner from the rear, walking on his hind legs and taking care to touch nothing with his forepaws but the safe part of the tail. The relevant apparatus having been lined up, docking occurs, followed by "violent orgasm" as the male unloads a year's worth of jism. The act lasts 2-5 minutes and may be repeated several times during the half-day window of opportunity.

So there you have. Porcupine porking paper. At least I got a blog post out of it.

Ranger Buddy is so going to owe me a lunch.

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No, This Is Not About A Weredonkey

I had a long, horrible evening yesterday that had to do with trucks, keys, cellphones, housekeys, and headpounding. You'll hear all about it...when I recover.

Meanwhile, entertain yourself with MORE INTERSNETZ KNOWLEDGE THAN YOU WANT TO KNOW:

Did you see House this past Tuesday? Remember the prostitute-patient who flirted with House and tempted him to go see a donkey show? There were a lot of sexual insinuations going on between them, but in the end, the last scene showed him entering a church and there was the prostitute, playing a pregnant Mary sitting on a donkey. The joke was on us. Hah, you guys were thinking of a DONKEY SHOW, you bad, naughty, evil viewers.

If you click on the link above, scroll down and read the "description." You will die. Or choke.

And now you (and I) know what a real Donkey Show is, heehawheehaw. THIS SECOND LINK NOT SAFE FOR WORK. It is NOT a pretty picture, if you know what I mean. I triple-donkey dare ya to open the link....(:::whistling:::...Meljean...Vanessa....)

And on a side note: House's look when he glanced up at our prostitute/madonna? Pure blatant sexiness, if I may say so myself.

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I Don't Want This Uber Job

Oh.

My.

God.

Sperm bank in China.

Notice the masks. And the clasped hands. The serenity of passion. The plastic gloves.

I tell you, I learn something new everyday. And do I love to share that knowledge with you, bwahahahaha.

Here's your Friday task, girls. CAPTION THESE FOR ME.

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