A LOW PROFILE: eeeek

Showing posts with label eeeek. Show all posts

Friday, October 28, 2011

I was wondering, if I ever write The Confessions of a Rooferette, would my editors come on the roof and help tear off 30 squares of shingles? And let me check on their nailing abilities and humiliate their toolbelts? And pay me a million bucks for that? No? Sigh. So not fair.

Bear with me while I learn. The first button likes the POST. The second button likes the BLOG site. Please help me by "liking" me. Thanks!
NO NEED TO CLICK TILL I TELL YA: RESERVED FOR NOT SAFE FOR WORK STUFF

Monday, October 03, 2011

This Book Is Doing Better Than MikiSquirrel's!

I knew it! I should have included sex.

WET GODDESS

It's an autobiographical (?) account of a taboo relationship (yes, he went there) with a live pet dolphin. Review it, someone? Also, from Mrs. Giggle's blog:

Having worked at a Large Aquarium I have witnessed Dolphins getting frisky with trainers.

I asked if what I saw was what I think I saw was happening and the trainer said “Yes, just like a dog trying to hump your leg but they are a bit smarter and know were to go”…..I said “are you putting me on” ?
No, she explained it was quite common and that is why they wear a very strong protective wetsuit to prevent such indecent (sic). Also it could be extremely dangerous if someone was swimming with one alone in a flimsy bikini because male dolphins penises are about 12″ in length and have a cartilage like bone that could damage the insides of a person. I ask what about female dolphins and she explained it would be equally dangerous because the female dolphin can control her muscles and squeeze with such pressure that could be life threatening to a human male if one was to attempt such an act. So as outrageous as this book is it is certainly plausibly this book is true, however the author was risking his life and I would not recommend anyone to try to duplicate the actions of the author. But don’t we all risky life and limb when it comes to love ?

Oh yes, they did say it's a brave new world in publishing these days. The comments are hilarious, my favorite being #2 with the link to Chicken of the Sea.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Sex Toys That You Probably Won't Find In A Romance Novel

I was researching Heath (#8)'s dark side for one scene in Virtually One the other day. Heath, if you've read my Virtual books, is one of the commandos and he's the "Interrogator." Obviously, his sexual likes would roam into the darker aspects "fun."

My research took me to many, many places on the Internet that left my jaw on the floor several times. It was fun, scary, disconcerting, and hilarious. Below will be a list of sex toys/things that you won't see my Heath playing with, although he might mention it in his usual deadpan expression.

FOR THOSE USING MAIN BLOG URL, GO TO BOTTOM OF THIS POST AND CLICK ON THE LINK THAT SAYS "DO NOT CLICK UNLESS I TELL YOU TO" FOR NSFW PICS AND DETAILS.

1) Dildo Pogo Stick

I kid you not. This toy was a main feature in a sex trade show (they exist!) and costs about $200. Imagine the heroine jumping up and down on one of these to relief some tension after a tough day at work.

The Dildo Pogo Stick comes by itself and also with an additional cradle w/attachment for parties. A very hoppy event, I'm sure.

2) Medieval Cock Ring

I mean, look at it. It's sure to make a man feel prickly. It's an iron maiden with spikes for your man junk. I'm sure there are other uses for it. Napkin holders?

3) Vagina In A Can

Only the Japanese would think of this item. It even comes with lubricant. You can use it once and throw it away! Like a soda can! I can see the heroine walking in on the hero at that moment.

"Honey, what are you doing with that can?"

4) Dildo That Shoots Like Hose

Yes, finally, you can enjoy an all over spooge-bath. It will make your partner weep with envy. Look at that fountain!

5) Extreme Ass Spreader

So this was how Goatze Guy started (google goatze at your own risk and I mean it). This instrument weighs one lb and is recommended by Dr. BDSM. Retractor opens up to FOUR inches wide. Fun.

6) Giant Butt Plug

And if you questioned wny anyone needed to use No.5 above, here is your answer.

7) Drilldo

This is one attachment for your drill set that I bet you never saw at Lowe's or Home Depot. Website selling this says that it "fits any drill with a standard bit adapter. It is made to work with any vac-u-lock dildo. The spinning sensation created by this dildo is like none other."

8) Horn of Plenty

When your man produces this for Valentine's Day, run, girl, RUN!!!

9) USBSex

Now THIS one is scary because it's close to the virtual world I've created in my series :P. This is a sex toy that was invented by a NASA engineer that you can PLUG into your computer. Then you plug your junk to it. It simulates sounds, heat, view, everything while you just watch it on the screen, I guess.

It's a computer-controlled "stimulation" device that uses specially encoded content to bring a sort of virtual-reality experience to, um, a certain member. Using a host of technologies, the futuristic-looking computer peripheral simulates motion, adjusts temperature and provides lubrication. The encoding is deciphered by a custom Windows Media Player plugin.

There are videos you can pay for on that site that instructs you how to do it right. Just google RealTouch. The videos...LOL...if you pay, your eyes will go wide like mine did.

10) Face Mask of Doom

I have no words for this device. Just know that if anyone comes at me with that thing on, I'll laugh myself to death. And might demand you to growl out, "Luuuuke, I am your father!"

And there you have it. Ten sex toys that you won't see in romance novels.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

I Kid U Not: Tampon Stun Gun

Continuing on my December search for the perfect Christmas gifts, I came upon this INnovative, ahem, present for the GEM girl wannabe. It's called The Pink Stinger. See, Deadly In Pink.

This weapon fits nicely into your palm and the ZAPPLICATOR shoots 50,000 volts of pain on your attacker. Ha. It has barbed prods and 14 feet of wire. Do not come near me, you robber, or be taste my Terminator Tampon of Terror. BUZZzzzzzzZZZZzzz.

WARNING: They look kind of similar to the real thing. I think it would REALLY HURT if one accidentally insert this, thinking it's the Real Thing and hit the zapplicator. I mean, OW. Or maybe Oooh, depending whether you're into pain or not.