VIRTUALLY HERS came out Oct. 2009. Get it at SAMHAIN Publishing. VIRTUALLY ONE coming soon.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

How To Swing Your Ass Fifty Feet In The Air

I'm getting pretty good at climbing that five-storey straight-up ladder. Not even a pause today! I find that, if you just concentrate on the act of climbing, and not think about how high you really are, the anxiety of not being able to make it to the top doesn't show up.

I know what you're thinking--Jenn, it's not the reaching the top part I'm afraid of; it's the FALLING off the ladder part. See, the height doesn't scare me. I just get a bit nervous when my arms get tired and I start to doubt my ability to hold on to my weight as I pull myself up each rung. Then my mind starts playing tricks on me, telling me that I have twenty more feet and boy, what if those arms don't have the strength to go that far. It's similar to holding one's breath underwater and thinking "thirty more seconds." Those seconds suddenly seem to take forever to count out.

Coming down is another exercise altogether. First, I have to climb over the railing to reach the first rung which is about two feet below. Basically, that means I'm in mid-air for a fraction of a second as I hold on to the railing, one foot balanced on the board and the other trustingly reaching down. Trustingly, because really, I can't look downward too long because that would unbalance me.

Then there is the problem with the hardhat. Because it makes my head a couple of inches taller, I'm always bumping into steel joints as I duck down. My brain can't tell that my head is "taller" so I'm just bending down low like normal to avoid a head injury, then WHACK! my hardhat hits the darn rod and I go OW! So, anyway, when I step over the railing to take that first rung, I have to also remember to lower my head enough as I slip between the railings. If I forget and whack my hardhat, I might panic and lose my concentration.

Am I scaring you? ;-) Don't be. It's not as complicated as I make it, but it IS definitely something one has to learn.

Anyway, the best method of climbing down 50+ feet is to swing your ass left and right the opposite direction of the arm holding the rung above you. Pretend you're a pendulum. Got that? In my opinion, going down a long way by holding the sides of a ladder is not conducive to speed or agility. The hands get tired from gripping and then I start to wrap my forearms around the sides, protectively pulling myself in. Nothing wrong with that, but it slows the climb down a lot when your arm is wrapped around a rung.

My ass-swinging method, on the other hand, creates a momentum that takes me less than a minute and a half tops to get back on solid ground. Don't look down for any reason, for heaven's sake. I'm not talking about being panicked by the height, but the sight of all the avid male faces gazing up with their mouths open might set you off into a giggly fit, and that's really no way to fall splat on your ass.

Hmm. I think I'll make an exercise video.

Bear with me while I learn. The first button likes the POST. The second button likes the BLOG site. Please help me by "liking" me. Thanks!


Anonymous said...

Jenn, now all you need is learn how to trapeze and then you can join a circus!

Lisa W. said...

Jenn, I have to tell you, I let my roofer husband read your tale (no pun intended) of how you get your "ass" 50+ feet down a ladder. Now mind you, he does this most every day himself. He just doesn't quite have your finess but he did say he would like to see your exercise video! He might learn something! LMAO!

Marisa said...

Jenn, you have to make that uber-ass workout video! LOL!


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