VIRTUALLY HERScame out Oct. 2009. Get it atSAMHAIN Publishing. VIRTUALLY ONE coming soon. VIRTUALLY HERSOUT IN PRINT AUG 2010.
I've also made available at AmazonBIG BAD WOLFa COS Commando book, an earlier manuscript about Killian Nicholas Langley. You can sample the first five chapters right here. EBOOK now available for KINDLE, NOOK, and at SMASHWORDS for $4.99.
I appreciate all your emails. If you'd like to buy Virtually His NEW, please contact me. Thank you.
I was researching Heath (#8)'s dark side for one scene in Virtually One the other day. Heath, if you've read my Virtual books, is one of the commandos and he's the "Interrogator." Obviously, his sexual likes would roam into the darker aspects "fun."
My research took me to many, many places on the Internet that left my jaw on the floor several times. It was fun, scary, disconcerting, and hilarious. Below will be a list of sex toys/things that you won't see my Heath playing with, although he might mention it in his usual deadpan expression.
FOR THOSE USING MAIN BLOG URL, GO TO BOTTOM OF THIS POST AND CLICK ON THE LINK THAT SAYS "DO NOT CLICK UNLESS I TELL YOU TO" FOR NSFW PICS AND DETAILS.
1) Dildo Pogo Stick
I kid you not. This toy was a main feature in a sex trade show (they exist!) and costs about $200. Imagine the heroine jumping up and down on one of these to relief some tension after a tough day at work.
The Dildo Pogo Stick comes by itself and also with an additional cradle w/attachment for parties. A very hoppy event, I'm sure.
2) Medieval Cock Ring
I mean, look at it. It's sure to make a man feel prickly. It's an iron maiden with spikes for your man junk. I'm sure there are other uses for it. Napkin holders?
3) Vagina In A Can
Only the Japanese would think of this item. It even comes with lubricant. You can use it once and throw it away! Like a soda can! I can see the heroine walking in on the hero at that moment.
"Honey, what are you doing with that can?"
4) Dildo That Shoots Like Hose
Yes, finally, you can enjoy an all over spooge-bath. It will make your partner weep with envy. Look at that fountain!
5) Extreme Ass Spreader
So this was how Goatze Guy started (google goatze at your own risk and I mean it). This instrument weighs one lb and is recommended by Dr. BDSM. Retractor opens up to FOUR inches wide. Fun.
6) Giant Butt Plug
And if you questioned wny anyone needed to use No.5 above, here is your answer.
7) Drilldo
This is one attachment for your drill set that I bet you never saw at Lowe's or Home Depot. Website selling this says that it "fits any drill with a standard bit adapter. It is made to work with any vac-u-lock dildo. The spinning sensation created by this dildo is like none other."
8) Horn of Plenty
When your man produces this for Valentine's Day, run, girl, RUN!!!
9) USBSex
Now THIS one is scary because it's close to the virtual world I've created in my series :P. This is a sex toy that was invented by a NASA engineer that you can PLUG into your computer. Then you plug your junk to it. It simulates sounds, heat, view, everything while you just watch it on the screen, I guess.
It's a computer-controlled "stimulation" device that uses specially encoded content to bring a sort of virtual-reality experience to, um, a certain member. Using a host of technologies, the futuristic-looking computer peripheral simulates motion, adjusts temperature and provides lubrication. The encoding is deciphered by a custom Windows Media Player plugin.
There are videos you can pay for on that site that instructs you how to do it right. Just google RealTouch. The videos...LOL...if you pay, your eyes will go wide like mine did.
10) Face Mask of Doom
I have no words for this device. Just know that if anyone comes at me with that thing on, I'll laugh myself to death. And might demand you to growl out, "Luuuuke, I am your father!"
And there you have it. Ten sex toys that you won't see in romance novels.
I was writing this spoof on author Alan Elsner's dismissive article about how romance books today killed romance (but not his romance book) on HuffPo to the kewl tune of Milkshake....then I changed my mind about putting it out in public because, you know, it's Christmas time and...and...my readers won't care about being indirectly called stupid by Alan Elsner, great love story writer.
So, anyway, I thought I'd just show the link to bad sex passages (Literary Review entries) of non-romance writers who are probably great love story writers like Alan Elsner instead. I'm sure you'll agree these are gems. Like:
She puts her hands flat against his chest and leans into him in a simulacrum of a swoon, making a mewling sound. Her hips are goosefleshed and he can feel all the tiny hairs erect on her forearms. When he kisses her hot, soft mouth, which is bruised a little at one corner, he knows at once that she has been with another man, and recently - faint as it is there is no mistaking that tang of fish-slime and sawdust - for he has no doubt that this is the mouth of a busy working girl. (The Infinites by John Banvilled)
or, for the win:
Then, Bobby starts scrabbling frantically across the carpet for Mr Condom, sending five or six multicolour Durexes flying through the air, and he struggles getting the packet open and Georgie has to roll Mr Condom down Mr Penis for him and she has to help insert him into Mrs Vagina (Ten Storey Love Song by Richard Milward)
Oh yes, these entries certainly beat my little rap song about Alan Elsner's milkshake getting all the boys. Hee.
Get thee there and tell me how you love these great sex scenes!
I'm doing my BBW signing today so maybe there'll be lots of shoppers picking it up as a Valentine's Day gift. It's supposed to be lovely and sunny out today but right now it's overcast. Wish me luck!
Are you doing anything special for/with your loved one today?
I have a friend who's hoping a pair of sexy furry handcuffs will respark the romance and fun in her and her man's sex life. She joked, sort of embarrased, that he'd probably have a heart attack when he sees the present because he knows that she reads lots of romances and would be expecting hours of pleasure. LOL. I tried to ease her mind by telling her to first hint to him that HE would be the one getting hours of pleasure ;-).
It's kind of sad how sometimes we put our sex lives on the shelf while we try to pay the bills. Even a day like Valentine's Day becomes part of a series of chores, you know? Romance doesn't have to be about expensive chocolate and hearts. Sometimes a nice breakfast in bed, or a morning massage, even going out on a date, can make a day special.
For myself, I'll be sitting at a table with romance books all around me, trying to munch cookies professionally. I'm just happy to be away from strapping lumber and screwing in tile for the day, although my Alpha Male tells me that my writing does involve lots of wood and screwing, so what's the difference. Hmmmph. Smart asses should be banned on Valentine's Day. Just for that I think I'll give him a sexy vege tonight.
1) He is a tease 2) He knows you're looking 3) He does it slowly 4) He makes sure you're watching 5) He likes long, slow strokes 6) And, well, he knows what to do with a pussy :-)
"I want you by my side, not like some illusion up ahead all the time. I want to hear you breathe hard, so I know this is real."--Rick Harden in FACING FEAR
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