A LOW PROFILE: taxes stupid taxes

Showing posts with label taxes stupid taxes. Show all posts

Monday, April 14, 2008

Professionals Wrote The IRS Manuals

I enjoyed the following joke precisely because it is exactly HOW logical IRS forms are:

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

(IRS Instructions: See the box in the middle of nowhere? Put this amount in this box, of course)

(Me: Putting that number in the box in the middle of nowhere)

(IRS Next Instruction: Now, put this number on another form and attach it with this other form. Why? Because this form will support that form)

(Me: Oh.)

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

(IRS LOGIC: You may ignore Page A. Go to page B. Put all the other numbers there)

(Me: What other numbers?)

(IRS red flag: The ones from the previous page)

(Me: But you told me to ignore Page A!)

(IRS: Silence)

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

(IRS: You can use these deductions, but only if it's 2 percent of net, no, gross, no, net, no, gross income)

(Me: But last year you said I can you these Other Deductions)

(IRS logic: We don't remember last year's rules)

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

(IRS: Sorry, you're out of money again. We have a ~~party~~MEETING to go to now because you actually worked! Better luck next year)

Bear with me while I learn. The first button likes the POST. The second button likes the BLOG site. Please help me by "liking" me. Thanks!
NO NEED TO CLICK TILL I TELL YA: RESERVED FOR NOT SAFE FOR WORK STUFF

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Post #3: Damn, No Sexy Hero In This IRS Handbook

I'm really getting Turbo-rized now. Humor me. Because I'd rather be doing something else than stuck with numbers.

Tell me what you're reading and how you like it.

If you need some recommendations, have you seen this LIST? I bet you'll find something on this page.

;-)

Back to work.

Friday, April 11, 2008

FORM 1040PITTANCE

I thought he looked good here. I know he can help pay my taxes. Come on, Brad, you helped Idol raise money. You can help Gennita raise some food money too.

What was it that fella in U2 said? Oh yeah. Send some change, CHANGE GENNITA'S WORLD. How 'bout it, Brad dahlink? Fill in Form 1040PITTANCE in my name and send generously!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Tortuous Days and Tortuous Nights

This evening, I ran with the Alpha Male. Or rather, he hobbled-ran and I gave him a head start ;-). His leg is definitely much better since the second operation but we think the surgeon cut an inch or two off his thigh muscle because he still can't bend his leg all the way because the muscle's shrunk (imagine your thigh pulled to its limit as you try to go further than 80 degrees). The insurance has just cut off the therapy sessions so CV (Crash Victim) will have to pick up the slack by hitting the machines more.

Also, the hospital had helped him to rent a special leg-bending device--it acts like a medieval rack. He has to put his leg in it and using screws at the side and a nut and bolt crank system, slowly crank his leg to 90-degrees, and then he has to sit like that for 30 minutes. He said the first 20 minutes are okay, but the last 10 minutes are sheer torture as it slowly stretches that shortened muscle. He screams like a tortured soul the last few minutes. The mutant dogs all howl along.

All this and taxes. And trying to make the writing work in between the math and screaming. HeeeeLLLP!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

FORM 1040TASTY

I made a big mess with some math work today. I spent hours cleaning up, backtracking, trying figure out which evil number did me in.

I wish I had this form to help me.

Taxing Work

Writing, taxes, all the numbers stuff.

Today's form is:

Form 1099ZIP.

Yes, a zipped file indeedy.

More later.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Post #2: Shhh I'm Starting My Taxes

Yes, it's that time of the year, and yes, I'm starting early. There's a whole mess of paperwork to untangle and I'd better be a good girl and load the TurboTax programs. Of course, the first evening is all about updates. The damn programs take hours to update whatever it has to update.

You guys know what to expect in the next week or two, right? Pictures of Forms. You know the drill. The more unhappy I am with my tax forms, the more I replace them with my kind of forms here.

Remember these? (COVER YOUR EYES VINCE!)

Form 1040NKED:

FORM 1040BDSM:

See? So much easier to comprehend. Definitely gets my full attention. Makes doing Business Taxes a scream. Or two. Wish I can do that with real life males ;-).

Yesterday, while cleaning out boxes and looking for receipts FOR DEDUCTIONS, I found the notes to my wunder-speech at the Colorado Romance Writers' conference. I reread it. It was quite good! It was titled Desperation Is My Hungry Friend. What Is Yours? I think I might retype it into my A Writer's Block blog because it might be useful to other writers too. The speech contained elements of everything I've told you about myself here and there--how I got where I am, my editor who called me, how I became a roofer, the little Jenn in Malaysia. It's quite long, so I'm not sure any of you would be interested, but perhaps it will help another writer continue his/her quest. Besides, if I type it out, I'll have a place to get a speech for my next gig :::grin:::: instead of me looking everywhere for the dusty notebook.

Damn, I'm good at procrastinating, aren't I? How did looking for deductions morphed into a silly speech about myself?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Extension Is A Good Thang.

Tired.

Got my Biz Taxes done and extended the rest. Extensions -- the favorite word of uber roofer and uber author.

I'll post again later tonight but I'm absolutely braindead from figuring out Schedule D. God. Selling a house was hard. Trying to report THAT to the IRS and figuring out cost basis/final blahblah THEIR WAY was like having your blood sucked by a vampire. Oh wait. They did suck the life force out of my bank account. Grrr.

So, we'll talk later, 'kay? When I'm human again. Meanwhile, ponder over why they can't simplify their forms to look like these:

Form Schedule WHEN

FORM JED PART B

Form JED Part C

Boy, are you going to be bored now that TAX TIME is over and it'll be back to good old Gennita Sexy Veges pics. Heh heh.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Really, Words Mean Nothing Part Three

Third post of the day! Still looking for these....

Where are these forms?

Form 1040BUTT

Form 1040GULP

That's Phearsome....

Form 1040LORDYB

Because Words Mean Nothing Part Deux

Second post of the day!

I searched and searched and couldn't find THESE FORMS in my IRS Code Adventure Book:

Form 1040NKED

Form 1040BDSM

Form 1040LORDY

When Words Mean Nothing

And we romance readers understand the power of words in our books! The POV of, as well as, communication between, the hero and heroine must:

1) Be riveting and layered with emotion

2) Show their attraction and emotional growth

3) Reveal their undercurrents

4) Make the plot twists interesting and believable.

NONE OF WHICH IS HAPPENING IN THE 2007 TAX CODE BOOK I'M READING!!!! I'm not riveted. It's a million-worded piece of tree-killer. The only kind of growth reminds me of a tumor that FEEDS ON MY MONEY AND BRAIN CELLS. There is no undercurrents; I'm drowning in red tape and examples. And there is no plot or happy ending in this story for me the heroine. The only suspense left is whether I'll still be alive when I'm through with this book!

I need to get me this teeshirt. God. Who are the writers of these codes? And which sub-circle of hell should I put them into? How can one sentence be so complicated that every term has to be looked into for further explanation? Why does it take me half an hour to read one paragraph? And another half to half-way understand it?

Gah.

Carry on among yourselves. I moan and bitch about this every year. This is the time when I feel like Hagar The Horrible when the king's taxmen come. Every year, they find another way to astound and stun with their clever use of language. It'd be entertaining if the end result didn't empty my bank account and make me cry.

The skit below is what's happening all over the States right now and tonight.

:-) Lady accountants, be very afraid....

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Spies and Alpha Males Don't Do Taxes

Ha! I'll have you know that I wasted two hours figuring out BlogBot to post my pictures, half an hour coding a counter at the bottom of this page, another hour playing with the FYEO Blog to get the links codes to come up where I want them, and precious minutes playing around the templates. All this to avoid reading IRS codes for Form 1065 Business Partnership LLC.

For a spy-storywriter, I abhorr codes, especially the ones our wonderful elected officials come up with in thousands of words/forms every year in the name of tax reform. It's hard enough for me to understand normal daily conversation (and subtext), but each year, I have to go through the process of reading what new laws are in effect for my business (roofing company) in order to write a check to the government for this pleasure.

Believe me, if you haven't done this before, going through AND understand the tax codes can stump the ultimate spy. My poor Jed, the tough-as-nails, sexy-as-sin Alpha-spy-commando of my novels, would be reduced to a sniveling tearful mental case. Saving the world is as easy as your next load of laundry, compared to figuring out why Form DUH should be used and not Form 1234x.

I roof with the toughest man I know. I call him my Ranger Buddy and he's both mentor and friend. The guy has a Purple Heart from the Vietnam War; he's done everything we girls read about and imagined; he's got an IQ high enough that the Green Berets wanted to recruit him way back when. And the guy can't figure out the tax codes. Heck, the guy can't write a check book sequentially. He asks me the same question every year--which column should this number go onto, partner? So there. I really think I deserve some kind of Medal for my roofing belt...what do you think?

After taxes tonight, it's back to writing, of course. Life's incomplete without a little writing. And chocolate. And a good man ;-). Not neccessary in that order.