Two Blond Guy Jokes

I've been working my ass off this past week. So all I have are two blond jokes and the reason why I'm telling them is because they were told to me by construction guys. About blond guys! That gives them points, right? So here goes:

Blond Guy Joke #1:

Two blond carpenters were working on a house. John, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Chuck asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

John explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away because they're defective.'

Chuck got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

Blond Guy Joke #2:

Father: I thought I asked you to go out and shovel the snow off the driveway.

Blonde Son: You did, I'm on my way.

Father: But you only have one boot on.

Blonde Son: Well, there's only one foot of snow.

So, there you go. Proof that equal opportunity does happen on construction sites.

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Release Teh Kraken!

Dinner last night. Much joking ensued.

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James Cameron Does Virtual Sex :)

I heard that there was a deleted sex scene in Avatar to keep in PG-13 in the US. I think it's included in the version shown in other countries. So, I googled and found the "steamy" deleted part:

EXT. WILLOW GLADE

He puts his face close to hers. She rubs her cheek against his. He kisses her on the mouth. They explore each other.

Then she pulls back, eyes sparkling.

NEYTIRI
Kissing is very good. But we have something better.

She pulls him down until they are kneeling, facing each other on the faintly glowing moss.

Neytiri takes the end of her queue and raises it. Jake does the same, with trembling anticipation. The tendrils at the ends move with a life of their own, straining to be joined.

MACRO SHOT — The tendrils INTERTWINE with gentle undulations.

JAKE rocks with the direct contact between his nervous system and hers. The ultimate intimacy.

They come together into a kiss and sink down on the bed of moss, and ripples of light spread out around them.

THE WILLOWS sway, without wind, and the night is alive with pulsing energy as we DISSOLVE TO —

LATER. She is collapsed across his chest. Spent. He strokes her face tenderly.

JAKE
Neytiri, you know my real body is far away, sleeping.

She raises up, placing her fingertips to his chest —

NEYTIRI
This body is real.
(she touches his forehead)
This spirit is real.

Her eyes are luminous, honest, infinitely deep.

NEYTIRI
When I was first your teacher, I hated all Sky People. But you have also taught me.
(whispering)
Spirit is all that matters.

She lays her head down, against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

NEYTIRI
I am with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.

JAKE
We are?

NEYTIRI
Yes. It is our way.
(innocently)
Oh. I forgot to tell?

He rouses up, making her look at him.

JAKE
Really, we are?

NEYTIRI
We are.

JAKE
It’s cool. I’m there.

He lays his head down, and her arms enfold him, sheltering him as he sleeps.

Whew. Tentacle Sex in Virtual 3-D! I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you.

So do you guys think my Jed's and Hell's 3-D Virtual Sex in Virtually Hers hotter than this scene? I mean, I'm jealous. Seriously. The ultimate intimacy indeed ;-). I think I'm going to have to make Jed and Hell blue in VR in the next book....

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Naughty Jokes For Naughty Jokers

MRS. GIGGLES has taken my trading card ideas from yesterday's post about romance icons (she ran with it like an overnight hurricane!) and added her very unique touch to it. Those easily offended should not click there. Those with Malaysian screwy sense of humor will love it. I have no other contribution other than being a bad influence, so all hate mail goes to Mrs. Giggles, please ;-).

As April's Fool jokes go, that one topped everything from yesterday.

Another good one I encountered: Someone brilliantly left a message on a local popular physical fitness trainer's answering machine, asking for personal training in getting more muscular. He left his name, Mr. Lyons, and phone #. The poor sod called the number and didn't notice that it was the Zoo until he asked to speak with MR. LYONS.

Verrrray niiiice.

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If You Ever Feel Stupid

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Everything Tastes Uber Bland

Ranger Buddy and I heard a funny joke at Shit and Grits today. You know, the place where all the wise guys and old geezers get together to talk shop and politics. Anyway, on the economy, one of them said:

The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Best. analogy of. Bailout. Ever.

It's good to know we're guaranteeing some rich guys' bad loans, isn't it? ;-P It's spoiling all my usual fun of reading the Presents lines. I keep thinking of titles like:

The Billionaire's Lost Virgin Bank Account
The Gabillionaire's Secret Wedding Loan
Subprime of Passion
The Virgin's Suddenly Poor Banker Lover
The Blackmail Wedding Loan

See? No fun to be reminded about reality when I'm indulging in my Presents mind candy. So...instead of them, I delved into my good old reread shelf and did a major old Linda Howard glom instead.

Did you notice that I haven't said a peep about baseball post season at all? I seemed to have lost my passion for the World Series excitement ;-(. I mean, Tampa Bay should stir the Floridian soul a bit, right? Sigh. It just isn't the same without my Braves to cheer for and the Yankees to boo at, you know?

You guys have been extremely quiet. Are you busy or just finding things bland too? Maybe it's time to bring out some Sexy Veges to perk us up. What say you?

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