Why I Don't Write Sexy Any More

It has come to this.

I understand now why so many of my favorite authors have moved on to non-sexy writing. To closed doors. To killing off the fictional love of their heroines in the story that just united them.

It's tough to write sexy when:

1) You go to bed and all you do is stretch, moan at the goodness of the bed, move into position, close your eyes, only to open your eyes and its morning already. What happened to the dreaming? Then, when you sit in front of the puter and try to think sexy, it's all about SLEEP.

2) Everyone's so young. You go shopping and the clothes are so young. You go to the store and are "ma'amed" left and right. The older men are checking out your neighbor's daughter. You're guided and explained to and ignored like you just don't understand today's technology. Then you sit in front of the puter and try to think sexy, it's all about MURDER.

3) Forgetfulness. You keep forgetting how "innocent" feels :). Then, in front of the computer, world-weariness and cynical lines fall out of the mouths of too-young almost virginal heroines. Lines that you know belong to older forty-somethings. The story starts morphing into the older cynical FBI profiler who is after the serial murderer.

4) Inappropriate cackling. You tackle the Big Misunderstanding in the story and you start laughing when the heroine is crying. Your fingers type out the big bad boy being angsty and running off on his bike and you start giggling. You outline the sexiest characteristics on your sheet, look down, and he suddenly sounds like a serial murderer rapist stalker and that makes you laugh some more. It's suddenly all about KILLING.

5) People left and right are making you feel old. May be your kids. May be your husband. May be your boss. Your competitor. The neighbors' kids. All of them. And suddenly time seems to fly. MondayTuesdayWeds...it's suddenly April! What happened to January?!!!? And there are deadlines and bills and calendar events and birthdays and....there are no sexy times, no one to tell you all the obsessing about killing all these young people is bad, bad bad BAD.

And that's how I stopped writing sexy and became a writer of suspense with emphasis on stalker serial killers who torture and murder beautiful young women. And then I kill off the male protagonist because he Yelled Stupid Stuff at my FBI profiler so he deserves to be murdered too. And gory, gory, gory, I revel in glorious gory details of each death.

No more humor! No more sexiness!

It all makes sense!

And oh, I didn't forget. APRIL's FOOL! (I told you I'm forgetful....)

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Also, ever since I signed out of Blogger to stop Google's new tracking policy, it seems so much easier to stay signed out. I hate Google's new policy that much.

But yeah, I'm back to report on Book, Writing and Roofing. Romantic Times Convention is coming up and you know where I'm going!

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Naughty Jokes For Naughty Jokers

MRS. GIGGLES has taken my trading card ideas from yesterday's post about romance icons (she ran with it like an overnight hurricane!) and added her very unique touch to it. Those easily offended should not click there. Those with Malaysian screwy sense of humor will love it. I have no other contribution other than being a bad influence, so all hate mail goes to Mrs. Giggles, please ;-).

As April's Fool jokes go, that one topped everything from yesterday.

Another good one I encountered: Someone brilliantly left a message on a local popular physical fitness trainer's answering machine, asking for personal training in getting more muscular. He left his name, Mr. Lyons, and phone #. The poor sod called the number and didn't notice that it was the Zoo until he asked to speak with MR. LYONS.

Verrrray niiiice.

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I'm Pregnant!

It's April's Fool Day. Fallen for any big joke today yet?

;-)

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I'm reading Patricia Brigg's newest Mercy Thompson book, Silver Borne. The story's a wonderful ride and I can't put it down long enough to feed the furbabies. Poor hungry furbabies.

What is your current read?

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American Idol has become American Midol this season. Everyone on has PMS. Outside of maybe two, the WTFery singing makes me question, "These are the best 12 of the thousands that auditioned?!"

But, I'm totally entertained by Tim Urban, a young man with a Donny Osmond hairdo, who sort of looks like him, but without the famous teeth or the singing ability. Of all the top-40 hits to pick, one week, he chose Anita Baker's Sweet Love. Imagine me going for Barbra Streisand's Evergreen. In front of 20 million viewers. Oh yeah. He did not disappoint. Muzak R&B, with desperate/despairing puppy eyes. I had to dig out my Anita Baker to cleanse my brain afterwards. Let's hope he tackles Streisand.

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Have you guys seen the commercial of Old Spice Guy on the Backward Horse? You know, Viking Dude (my UF) has Greek roots (don't ask, it's sort of complicated). I wanted him to meet some mythological Greek magical beings and have planned a centaur. But every time I've attempted to write that scene, the centaur comes out sounding like Old Spice Guy, which totally destroys the scene because it isn't supposed to be funny. Sigh. Maybe I'll have to make him funny.

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I thought these GEEK-A-WEEK trading cards very funny. It's a project by mad-talented cartoonist Len Paralta.

John Scalzi was the one who pointed me to the project through his blog. If you click on his name, you'll see that he's Week 4's Geek of the Week and he looks fierce. You should read the back of the cards too.

Wouldn't it be grand if romance authors get trading cards too? It'd be awesome sauce to see La Nora depicted as The Queen or something, and the back of the card would have WWND as the favorite chant. And for "famous mean thing" (all great authors should have a mean thing they've done) would be "boiling helpless puppies." Yeah. That'd be snarky evil comparison with Jennifer Crusie's card (The Professor), which would have "drives over grandmas" for her "mean thing." Or Sherrilyn Kenyon's Card (The Demon Huntress), which would have "I go swan-hunting for my hat." Heeheehee. I could go on but I'm already in enough trouble.

All references above, btw, are from Romancelandia inside...uh...jokes.

But still, wouldn't that set of cards sell like hot man tittie covers at the romance book fairs?

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Super Virtual Revelations!

I'm revealing special secrets today that you'll find helpful in understanding His Jedness and other COS and GEM world characters.

1) Jed is a reversed transvestite. He will make a final decision at the end of the series whether he wants to be known as Jed or Jeddy. He is, as you know, a very detached character. He's so detached, even his penis is detachable.

2) Armando is really a vampire without a soul. He's looking for his lost love Buffy who is supposed to be reincarnated sometime during his lifetime. Obviously, he doesn't watch TV, or he'd know he's missed his chance.

3) Tess's hair is going to fall out from years of dye and weaving. She'll be embarrassed because now Alex will see her secret tattoo on top of her bald head--it says...GO DARLING BRAVOS!

4) Hawk gets caught wearing edible underwear by his team mates. They are so turned on at the sight of their commander that they chased him, strapped him down, and did manly, SEAL things to his body.

5) Ricardo Harden is going to suffer from a heart attack when he finds out Nikki is having octuplets.

6) Cam and Patty rise as vampires and join the Armando coven. It'll be a super secret COS division, looking into werewolf activities in Asia. Because, dammit, there aren't ever any werewolf packs running wild in Asia, with funny Chinese accent, with their matted werehair stinking of cigarettes.

7) Heath Cliff is going to flog himself to death. Before doing that, he's going to have sex with a runaway camel while chasing after bad guys in the desert.

8) Helen is running away with Flyboy. He drives a fast car and a fighter jet. He watches old Carol Burnett shows. He dances. He has dimples. Choose Jed over him? No way.

9) Cucumber is opening a restaurant with Jazz in New Orleans. It's going to be called All That Cucumber. It's going to be so big, he's going to have a reality show on TV, in which women like Lady Zannah will compete to get to eat the perfect cucumber.

10) The ComCen Eight Ball is going to be reprogrammed to sound like The Terminator.

11) There will be a gay romance between Shahrukh and Sullivan. It'll be called Brokeback Commandos. There will be angst. There will be drinking. There will be tears. Lots of tears. Every damn chapter. When they finally get together, all the other commandos will cry too, from happiness.

One of the above is a false statement. Can you figure which one?

Signed,
April's Fool

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