Mini Reviews: Sherlock Holmes & Mission Impossible

It's the end of 2011. I have done 5 of the 8 things I needed to get done by the end of it. It's a good thing I'm not Sherlock Holmes or Ethan Hunt or I'll never be able to save the world in time!

Without further ado, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU and two more holiday movies in short form:

SHERLOCK HOLMES II:
1) Six-packed Sherlock!!!
2) Ninja Sherlock!!!
3) Space age missiles!!!
4) Biological warfare!!!
5) Watson the party animal!!!
6) CGI Swiss Alps!!!
7) Sherlock and Watson dancing together!!!
8) The look of pure lurv between Sher and Watson before Sher jumped!
9) Again, SIX-PACKED SHERLOCK!!! 
10) Dude next to: "Where are da chipmunks?"

It was pure fun and every crazy clue counted and connected. Expect to be entertained. Don't expect any tours of any countries, even though the action took place in at least three. And oh, the bromance was wonderful. Poor Mrs. Watson, she doesn't know Watson at all.

 ***
Mini review of Mission Impossible 4:
1) Tom Cruise in a hood
2) Budapest! Moscow! Dubai! Mumbai!
3) There was a lot of running. After trains, after men, after woman, in
the traffic, around a building, in a dust storm, but no f&%king Matt Damon!
4) Tom Cruise after a Cruise missile! Cruise on Cruise! Geddit?
5) The villains made better masks than MIF. WTH?
6) The missile clanked like an aluminum pot against a building.
7) JJ Abrams stole his own technology from Person of Interest. Why didn't he get Caviezel in there too, dammit? Caviezel would kill Cruise with da look. And he wouldn't need no stinkin' hood.
8) You can drive 100 mph in the streets of Mumbai without hitting a cow. Rrrrrigggght.
9) Tom Cruise can't kiss like a jealous fool.
10) Tom Cruise's face ate heavy metal posts, cars, building windows, you name it, he flew into them...and not a scratch. Not a broken tooth. Or bruise. His opponents? Black eyes, broken lips, bruises, broken bones. Mission impossible! 
11) The dude beside me: "Where are the freaking chipmunks, dammit?!!" There were camels. No chipmunks.
12) OH! JOSH HOLLOWAY's DIMPLEZZZs!

See you next year! Thank you for visiting my blog and you know 2012 is going to be exciting :).

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IMMORTALS Mini Review

1) Cavill has a body of a, hmmm, superman.
2) Mt Olympus is a boring place.
3) The gods spend all eternity sitting on the steps on said Mt., looking bored.
4) The good soldiers use painted metal garbage can covers for shields.
5) Mt. Tartarus is Mt Doom with no fire pit, only a tiny box with wild-eyed prisoners-(bad)gods chewing on Christmas poles.
6) Other than Cavill body shots, zzzZZZzzzZZZ.
7) Lastly, do not go see movie with dude who keeps asking me, "Where are the chipmunks?"

How not to tell a story, especially in the movies:

1) Show, don't tell. The voice-over drones on and on with info-dump about immortals and humans and bygone eras, zzzZZZzzz.
2) What about that damn eagle? Why did Theseus throw that head at the eagle? Why is that eagle flying all over? I thought it was Zeus in disguise, then it flies onto its perch in the enemy tent. And never did a damn thing.
3) What about the Immortals? They made up about 10 minutes in the movie, looking awfully bored. And they aren't even immortal because they can die.
4) The Bow. It's the most important weapon ever and obviously just some plot-monkey to move the story forward. Even in bad kung-fu movies, the hero finds some kind of weapon or secret kung-fu moves and actually masters it to fight the enemy. Here, the hero, Theseus, blunders around, finds the bow, and PROMPTLY LOSES IT to the enemy. So he is only good to find the damn bow. If he were just killed, Hyperion would have never found it. If I were Zeus, I'd have the Oracle sleep with Theseus so she loses her ability to "see," then have her poison him and TADA! no bow and Hyperion has no Oracle.
5) I'm still cackling at the bad "gods" imprisoned in that box, chewing on the Christmas poles. I suppose the poles are supposed to go through their cheeks or something, but really, they are just there biting on them.
6) You want to see the best million-soldier war scene ever? Go rent Kagemusha on Netflix. Now THAT's how you tell a story about an epic war. And the characters have layers.

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BESTEST New Moon Spoof Evah!

You have to click on the link below. It's New Moon with LOLKittehs! I think I lost a spleen cackling.

NEW MOON REVIEW WITH LOLCATS N MOAR

Warning: Don't drink and read.

Thank you, Microsuede, for making my lunch hour.

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Quantum of Solace: Bond, A Very Pissed-Off Bond

Guess where I've been? ;-)

Who would walk out of the desert with a beautiful lady, still in a tuxedo, after falling out of an aeroplane WITHOUT a parachute and climbing out of a deep cavern in dress shoes, and manage to remain kissably cool?

Yup. It's him, Mr. Bond, uberest spy of them all.

I've never seen a Bond this angry and I like it. Quantum of Solace wasn't just about the SeKrit ProJek but also the state of mind. Of Bond's, that is. Pissed-off, he is, more so than devastated, like everyone's telling him, about the death of Vesper, his lover from Casino Royale. There were a few moments of angst, but really, this movie projected his regret and loneliness more so than of pain. All the secondary characters, from M to the old friend, told him that he had this "angst about lost love" problem but me, I don't buy it. Mr. Bond was just very, very pissed-off at having been tricked.

The action sequences were breathtaking, especially the beginning one, with its Bourne Ultimatum-like chase. It also reminded me for some reason of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon's relentless one-on-one chases, with hero and bad guy(s) able to fly through the air and escape bullets while performing Olympic-calibre body twists. Of course, the sport of spying meant lots of bloody bodies left in Bond's wake. It's interesting to see this other Bond. A pissed-off Bond, it seems, doesn't have the last second smarmy snarky repartee; attack him and you die.

You can actually see the difference by comparing the earlier kills with that of the last scene which was trademark Bond-As-We-Know-In-Later-Movies. Here, no-longer-pissed Bond obligingly released our bad dude in a way that guaranteed a bad ending, with a final very smarmy snarky repartee that included a can of motor oil (you'll understand the significance when you watch the movie).

Like I said, this Bond is different and I like it. It's pre-Bond, so everything that suggested to us of the uber-spy we know held significance. His smooth transition from thug by just wearing a stolen tux. His first taste of a drink for which he didn't have a name. The uber-alpha thing about him that made the women all weak-kneed and willing to help him, in spite of orders to the contrary, as noted by his boss, M, at the end.

I think Bond said this line twice: "I don't think the dead cares about vengeance." He meant it, even though the other characters didn't understand its significance. He wasn't avenging the deaths of the dead because he cared or he was hurting. He was just Pissed-Off. Vengeance is for the living, as demonstrated so effectively by Bond Babe, Camille, in the movie. His superior kept questioning the point of it all, if uber-spies just killed the enemy without any reason. To this Bond, at this moment, if nothing else, it was a quantum of solace, a measure of comfort.

Umm yeah. Enough character study!

Shallow observation: What I don't like about the movie? One nano-sec of a shirtless Bond. ONE! WTF? Solace is fine, but next time, movie-makers, more skin, less tux, por favor. Plus: Fantasies of chewing on Craig's lower lip are mounting. Yes, I said mounting.

Snickeristic Bond Babe Name: Agent Strawberry Fields. Bwahaha.

Alas note: Amy Winehouse should have sang the theme song. Alicia Keyes just didn't exude that world-weary sexuality. The song was horrible, actually.

Bestest scene: Opera house, when Bond interrupted the very unique conversation among some power players AND got them to show their faces. So uber-Alpha, so Bond, so what I lurve about Uber-Spy Tactics ;-).

Last note: The usual Bond and crosshair moving to the Bond music theme sequence didn't show up till the very end of the movie. To me, that signifies the "arrival" of the Bond-that-we-know. So STOP complainin', people. Your usual Bond bonbons are coming.

So, did you see the new Bond movie? Like or not?

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You'd Better Be Uber Alpha In Sparta!

It's official. I came home yesterday and addressed all my Spartan furbabees that This is now LURV GERARD BUTLER week. Yes, I went to see Sparta and that all but sealed my all-time love for this man (since his sleek Attila The Hun days). And did he display all his manness in this movie, YUM!



He's just wicked sexy as get-out. He wets my dreams, 'kay? And Gerard Butler with wicked abs of steel makes me sigh with female joy. Heh heh. I want to be Queen Gorgo, 'kay? Then life would be complete.

Wait, wait, you say. Jenn, you lusty cheatress. What about your lurv for George Clooney? Isn't he Number One?

But of course. But George's debonair and ultra cool. He's, like, whip cream on top Waffle Gerard. I can't see him all oiled up in a loin cloth and a big sword. Not yet, anyway, heh.

Gerard Butler would rip my Clooney's heart out and eat it for breakfast. That's how manly he is.

OTOH, I don't see why can't I have both. They don't need to know. Shhh.

But Jenn, WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE?

Oh, I didn't know I was supposed to review the movie ;-). It was a lot less gory than I thought. The fake blood helped to deflect all the chopped limbs flying around. My eyes were too busy admiring the red-caped all but nekkid heros. My mind kept wanting to replay the ten-second scene of Leonidas making love to his Queen. THAT is worth buying the VCD to watch over and over. Hawt.

Below is an amusing interview of a very bawdy Gerard talking about his sex scene in the 300. And the review captured my reaction very well: "300 half-nekkid men, ready and sweaty, with swords of various sizes, un...sheathed..., preparing for battle in a Very Narrow Canyon...I think I'm going to need some alone time." LOL. That about says it all.

Go see the movie!

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