It's the 2009 NOSCARS (Oscars and Nascar to you noobs)

Oh My God.

I just saw Hugh Jackman giving Barbara Walters a lap dance. Yeah! That's the way to start the Oscars!

I'm not here yet. I'm flipping back from NASCAR racing (hence, NOSCARS, and MY BOY IS LEADING) and saw THAT. I think I might start pouring out the wine early.

Unlike last year, when I wore my white gown, I'm dressing down too....I'm in my sweat pants, still damp from my carpet cleaning chores. Yes, my carpets are spotless now and I deserve a few hours of channel surfing and yakking about fast cars and bling bling. Are you ready? What are you wearing and what's the drink? Wine's my poison for the NOSCARS.

Just looking at some of the fashion as they walk down the red carpet. Stars ARE dressing down, in fact, doing the Scarlett O'Hara.

*Meryl Streep is wearing Martha Stewart's latest curtain.
*Penelope Cruz is wearing curtains from the old gangster theatres from Chicago.
*Marisa Tomei is wearing leftover satin napkins (folded to perfection, though!) from last year's party.

And Jimmie Johnson is getting his chassis adjusted. Okay, I'm going to pull down one of my lace curtains and wear it like a toga. Yes, I'll leave the curtain rod on ala Carol Burnett, although that might make typing a bit difficult....

HUGH JACKMAN walks on the stage. He isn't naked. Damn it.

See? "Downsized because of the recession." I told you. No dancing, no singing, no elaborate stage. I say Hugh should just give everyone a lap dance. No, he has to sing about wanting to be a millionaire. Like we all don't?

The show is so downsized, they hired kids from the streets to do the dancing. And the stage decor is done by the stagehands' kids for extra pay. And the costume is leftover bodysuits from the disco era.

I keep waiting for those Wolverine knives to show up, don't you?

Whoopie should host again. I love Whoopie's humor. Whoopie and Goldie together = WIN. You notice almost everyone's dress is part of that giant brown curtain?

After a religious ceremony with five grand dames of the arts blessing the nominees, Penelope Cruz wins Best Supporting Actress because she is wearing the biggest curtain of them all, that's why. She reminds me of Audrey Hepburn, except La Audrey would never wear curtains.

Okay, I'm done with my first glass of wine. Refill? Where are my napkins? Never mind, I can use my lace curtain to wipe. Meanwhile Earnhart Jr. is having a nightmare, oh goodie. Popping out of gear is not a good thing at 120mph.

Okay, bathroom emergency--the curtain got in the way. I must have missed something really important. Not.

Hey, it's Adapted Screenplay. More wine? I'm getting hungry. It's going to really be messy, trying to open the fridge with a curtain rod across my shoulder blades.

Hey, it's Brad's ex. And she's not naked either. Where's that necktie, Jen? Oooh, the camera panned to Angelina having a good laugh that Jen is presenting animation. Okay, bored now. Can we have a cat fight?

ZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Not even a crash at the races. WTF? Most boring Noscars evah. I think the Oscars should have a caution period, in which everybody just rotate chairs.

Did the Japanese dude just thank his pencil? Did he also say "Domo Aligato, Mr. Robota?" LOL. Okayyyy. If I ever win a Rita, I'm going to thank my Bic. And Vaio. And electricity. All very important. And oh, my wine glass.

Sarah Jessica Parker just came on with Daniel Bond Craig for Art Direction. Jessica looks lovely in some frothy thing that has a skirt about a mile wide.

Only 60 laps to go. Whee.

Craig is not doing good with his lines. Like me, he's dying too. He's probably wishing he's driving one of the race cars right now. And killing some bad people. Like whoever designed the warehouse set in the background.

OMG. It's the Sparkly One. You know, Edward, talking about romance in movies. I feel old. I don't feel the sexay. Followed by a long montage of love and sex and kiss scenes from a variety of movies. Romance sells, yo.

Oh good, Ben Stiller ought to liven things up a bit. Heehee, he comes out pretending to be Joaquin Phoenix, who has, if you've seen him on David Letterman, gone utterly insane. Just find that clip on Youtube. Hilarious. Best presenter of the night.

In fact, I think if I ever win the Rita, I'll get on stage looking like Phoenix with that scruffy beard and sunglasses and mumble my thanks to my Bic while chewing gum, whaddya say? Think RWA will let me on?

Oh look, a giant satin napkin just walked on stage. I think that was Jessica Biehl but I was totally distracted by the sophisticated tuck the size of an elephant's trunk down her chest. Any moment now it's going lift up and spray the audience. Can you tell my wine is kicking in? :D

Looking at the clock here. Unlike the movie, I ain't getting any younger. OMG. It's only 9.43. Argh. Why do I do this to myself?!

Seth Rogen and James Franco try to entertain us with comic clips from movies. You know, this is so Wayne's World, and you kids don't even know those comic geniuses.

Come on, Jeff Gordon, I need a Big Win here. Don't let Kenseth win, dammit!

BTW, all the expenses of the show went into those thousands of Swarozski crystals hanging around the stage, all stolen from Cher's old costumes. Just so you know, that downsizing thing is a lie, even if everyone's wearing expensive table cloths and cushion covers. Look at them as the pork hidden in the cost-cutting political bills.

Because no one is going to Broadway and many shows have shut down, they've come to the Noscars! Hugh looks good in a top hat, btw. So they have Beyonce singing with Hugh. The running around with different musical bits is a bit frenetic and batshit crazy, if you ask me. Now, if Hugh would just do that lap dance....

I think I'm getting the theme of this show. Last year was all about going green. This year is all about trying to get the musicals back into the limelight. Right? I guess anything is better than the penguin throwing thing from a few years back. That. Was weird.

Damn, Jeff ain't gonna win the race. I'm mad now.

It's Best Supporting Actor's Award. Now five men in magical robes come forth to give their blessings to the nominees, who are trying to stay awake in their seats. Blah, blah, blah, ACTING, blah blah blah Wow! blah blah blah Taking Risk! blah blah blah Getting into character blah blah blah. More cowbell! How many crystals that Ledger is going to win?

So I'm not allowed to say anything snarky about the Ledger family's brownish skirts, of course. Bad form and all that. Loved Heath as the Joker.

Bill Mayer wearing smug. Documentary time. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzz. It's the piano music. And the freaking screens zap back and forth. I'm going to go feed my doggies now. They're whining. And this show is like watching an embalming, only less interesting.

I'm back. Did I miss anything? //grin

I did grin at Tina Fey and Steve Martin presenting together. Awesome partners. They should be given hosting duties. And for the musical bits, Steve Martin can play the banjo.

Will Smith is here for action movies. Will always looks good. Benjamin Button is getting the "early" wins. Does that mean good things to come? Or, oh-oh? I didn't see the movie. How does one age backwards, anyway? Probably has a sad ending, right?

I was in Bombay a few times. The traffic there was scary. It was scorching hot and a dancing bear kept begging me for money. I felt sorry for him and his handler because it was 200 freaking degrees.

Where was I? Oh yah, film editing. Sigh. Slum Dog Millionaire won. Yay. Go Bombay and dancing bear. You know what I was thinking? How come they didn't give a musical tribute to Rocky Horror Show? Now, that would have been awesome, especially if they can have the audience stand up and do the Time Warp, which is probably what all of them are wishing for right not, anyway.

Eddie Murphy gives Jerry Lewis the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian award. A truly good dude. Did I spy Sophia Loren in the audience? And Seal!

Good Lord, it's 10 till 11pm. We're almost there! This cheapo version of the Noscars is almost over. Hugh Jackman was under-utilized, imho. And I still think he should be naked. Or at least in a loincloth. And without my GEORGE CLOONEY present, it's just not the same boring show.

Okay, while they waste more airtime with music, I'm going to put down my bets now for the three main winners. KATE WINSLET and MICKEY ROURKE. Oh, an SLUM DOG MILLIONAIRE.

Alicia Keyes looks gorgeous in fuchsia. Oh look, they are doing Bollywood with Korean drums. You know, when the lights are down, the front small "intimate" stage gives a very nightcluby feel. The whole So You Think You Can Dance cast is on the stage. Jai Ho indeed.

What can I say? I thought they were going to end at 11pm. They aren't. The embalming continues. //me staring at my toenails. So, ummm, how many times did you yawn already? My Bad Puppy is asleep on my curtained lap. He's done chewing with the rod, btw.

I can hear you now. Jenn, why do you do this to yourself every year? Is it the wine? Wouldn't you prefer to read a book? My answer--well, I need to remind myself that there are worse things than my day job. I don't have to suffer live embalmation at the Oscars ;-P. When I am pounding on the cement mixer, trying to break the hardened concrete, I'll remember this moment of suffering and smile. And work harder.

Aww, they put Paul Newman as last on the In Memoriam montages. Me loved him so. And Charlton Heston. They both were in some great beloved movies.

Reese Witherspoon presented Best Director. Lovely blue gown with strange black bandaids hanging across the chest. Reese's dress, I mean, not the best director's, who is Boyle, for Slum Dog Millionaire. Seeing a pattern? ;-) Lovely line in his thank you speech: "You dwarf even the sky."

Best Actress. Scenes of past actresses crying, of course. Here come Sophia Loren, Halle Berry, Nichol Kidman, Shirley MacLaine and Marianne Coutiard as high priestesses giving their blessings. This is a very strange set-up. It's like, even if you don't win, hey, you get Sophia Loren personally telling you how great you are! Why does Sophia has her hand on her hip? Strange. I think they should have Jennifer Aniston give praise to Angelina Jolie. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Okay, betting 33 percent. Come on. Poor Meryl. Really. Someone give her another Oscar, please.

Robert de Niro, Anthony Hopkins, Ben Kingsley, Michael Douglas and Adrian Brody sing praises like Gregorian chants to the nominees for Best Actor. Yawn. It's 11.40pm, dudes, keep them short. What happened to the good old two people just calling out names? Do I really want Mickey Rourke to win? Not really, but he needs redemption, I think. Besides, I can't stand Sean Penn. Bah. At least he acknowledges that he's a jerk.

You know you're old when Sean Penn needs reading glasses. And even he knows he robbed Mickey Rourke, hah!

Okay, final Grand PoohBah Award. Toldja. Slumdogmination! It's that darn song, I tell you. They like them yellow scarfs.

It's finally over, the longest boringest embalment evah. Rest in peace. I finish my wine. Take off my curtain and rod. Sigh a sigh of relief. Tomorrow, I face that cement mixer with a smile.

Nighty night!

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It's That Time Of Year

Barring an emergency, I'll be here tonight, doing the annual OSCAR Live Running Commentary on Hair and Hairiness. I heard that everyone is going to dress "down" (does it mean they're going to put on Walmart prom dresses?) this year so as to reflect the state of the economy. You know, that sounds so depressing. But Hugh Jackman (whom I call Jack Hughman when I'm drunk, so please ignore that typo as the evening progresses and the wine gets to me) is the host and I've heard he's good at the emcee stuff. If not, let's hope he'll consider ripping off his tux and letting us see some, ah, hair.

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OSCARS 2008 Liveblogging

NOTE: THIS IS THE SECOND POST FOR TODAY. FOR YOUR DAILY GENNITA FIX, LOOK BELOW THIS POST.

What to do, what to do, my beloved NASCAR race is on in California, so of course it's running the same time with OSCARS. It's only 20 laps in and there's a red flag intermission, so I'm anticipating a long night ahead for my boys there. Watching the OSCARS with the roar of NASCAR in the background...

Welcome to the NOSCARS event, bwahaha. I'm also anticipating the tipsier I get (I always watch the OSCARS with wine), the more confused I'm going to be with the channels and events. So, if it so happens that I'm screaming that Jeff Gordon is the winner of an OSCAR, and he's in the lead right now, you know I mean, he's actually a winner of the other event, the NASCAR race. And if I say George Clooney crashed, you'll know I'm mixing it up again.

Got it?

Of course, a NOSCAR event would be quite fun to watch, don't you think? The actors would arrive wearing skintight fire suits and helmets. They would step out of limousines that are plastered with logos of their favorite perfumes and fashion brands. Then the red carpet would have tire burns all over it. If Viggo wins the NOSCAR, he'd be required to do a backward flip, or climb a fence, or drive around the red carpet with the brakes on. If little Earnhardt wins, I want him to start sobbing like the momma's boy he really is (hahaha, you can't stop my little E sneers, racefans), or he can hug MY JEFF GORDON, sobbing and thanking him over and over for bringing him into THE WINNING TEAM.

You see? I'm stoked for the OSCARS and I haven't even opened the bottle of wine yet. If you hang around, your comments throughout the ordeal would be appreciated. Don't let my wittery stop you from yours.

See ya in a few minutes....

You know, NASCAR fans are so patient. I don't think many OSCAR fans would wait over an hour in between stop and start because of accidents or rain. Of course, you can't get too drunk at the OSCARs.

OTOH, wouldn't it be fun if Regis were drunk as a skunk while interviewing the actors on the red carpet? And he's with MY GEORGE RIGHT NOW. Oh, MY GEORGE, he is so beautiful, with his nicely greyed hair, now. I love you, George, even though you're with that silverfish beside you. You need to stop that; silver doesn't become you. And you'll look good in a fire suit, in my Lexus and me...never mind...but you can drive my car and shift my gear.

Goodness, was that John Travolta or a monkey? What is it with the Balls of Fury plasterhair?????! John Revolta.

Do you know they are going around that racecar at 182mph a lap? And those drivers talk back and forth with their crew chiefs while they're inches from the car ahead? Let's see them actors making OSCAR thank you speeches with that speed. I'm sure they'd flub their lines.

Ha, and Tony Stewart has fallen back. No, not Jon Stewart, dudes. I'd like Tony Stewart presenting. He would be rude, stupid and funny. And if his favorite dude didn't win, he'd sideswipe him.

Damn, damn, damn, it's raining in California AGAIN. Yellow flag. My poor Jeff can't run away with the race.

How come it's not raining over there at Regis? I'd like to see a big tumble of rain come down on all those lovely gowns and tuxes. Then they'd all need some chassis adjustment and four tire changes in 12.1 seconds.

Not Helen Mirren, of course. She's the Queen. Someone would bring her an umbrella. What a lovely dress she has on, btw. I bet she'd never had a smear of motor oil on her.

Ha, and there's Penelope Cruz. Bet she doesn't know that Tom Cruise is at the races. That's right, he's reliving Days of Thunder.

Yawn. Time for my drink break. No, folks, in case you're wondering what the heck you're reading, the OSCARs haven't started yet, but the NOSCARs have. It's yellow flag, which means caution, which means Regis is boring me to death interviewing unimportant mortals.

Cute guy comparison. Come on. Kasey Kahne vs John Revolta. Mark Martin vs Regis. Oh, awright, there is NO ONE who can compare with my GEORGE CLOONEY (sorry, darling Jeff...maybe in a few years...you're getting there).

And here is Jon Stewart racing on stage. He's explaining the wreck that was left by the crash of the Writers' Strike. You see, the writers are like the race drivers of the film industry. No writers, no racesshow.

Jon is talking about amazing performances. You know, I was expecting him to wake up in bed again with GEORGE CLOONEY as the beginning skid, but I guess they think that's not original anymore. Not that the last minute writing is entertaining. So far, Jon isn't drunk enough for me, or vice-versa.

Man, these jokes are lame. Personal stripper name using first pet name and street name???! SO LAST CENTURY, Jon. I tell better jokes than that. It's now the expected commentary on the Presidential Race. Are they going to bring up Al Gore? Come on, bring up Al. He needs the attention. So is Hollywood for Obama or Billary? He just made fun of Obama's name, which rhymed with Osama, of course. Another OLD JOKE. Hey, it's not like the race driver named Dick Trickle, 'kay? Ah, that would have been a perfect presidential candidate.

Poor Jennifer Garner, Alias girl, relegated to Best Costume announcement. You need to race more, Jennifer! Forget that mommy-thang. The black gown--not your color, sweetie. Remember that glorious orange you had on a few years back? WHEN YOU WERE DATING MICHAEL VARTAN, MY OTHER SWEETHEART? You broke his heart, you did.

SWOOOOON. It's GEORGE!!!!!

So you flubbed your lines. That's okay. The writers, apparently, are a bit rusty because so far the writing SUX. They are showing 90 years of presenters saying "Good evening" on the screen. Such inspiring prose. Do we really need to use the theme to The Titanic for showing grand moments of the last 80 years? I mean, this show is sinking, folks. Sinking fast.

They are presenting the animated feature award right now. What they need is Kurt Busch fighting with JonTony Stewart. Now, that'd bring some much needed animation. It's Lap 74. My, my, the NOSCARs are just racing along.

That's Kathleen Heigl with Marilyn Monroe hair. There's a hole on her left shoulder strap. Other than that, she looks amazing. Hope she's not going to tell us (again) how to pronounce her name. And NORBIT is the most disgusting movie ever to be shown on the plane, 'kay?

You know, if the speeches go on too long, we can knock these award winners off the stage with a speeding car. That would be kinda fun, I think, because they'd then speak weallyweallyweally fast to get to the end of their speech.

And now, our first entertainment portion of the night--little Earnhardt singing Enchanted..."A Happy Working Song." He looks so good in a miracle push-up bra. Oh, sorry, that was Amy Adams.

They are showing a montage of Michael Botoxface. Me, I'm taking a pit break.

Hey, it's The Rock, announcing for Visual Effects, you know, the award where the actors look scared when a huge monster-that-isn't-there is attacking them. What? The Golden Compass won over The Transformers?! As for Pirates...oh well, nothing new, more ocean waves, more fishface monsters....

Beautiful Cate Blanchette in purple. She looks pregnant. Is she? She's announcing for art and set direction. Yawn. No surprise, Sweeney Todd. And they just flashed Johnny Depp with that underlip mold growth. Poor man.

Jon Stewart just likened Cate B. to a pitbull. Interesting.

Is it scary if I tell you that when they show those old black-and-white montage, I REMEMBER WATCHING them when I was a kid? Argghhh. More wine.

It's Best Supporting Actor time. Jennifer Hudson shows up. I see the latest fashion trend this year, folks. Egyptian necklines. You know, shift with an Egyptian jeweled collar. Every woman's got them. And the winner should be Tom Wilkinson (Michael Clayton), but who knows? I only watched that movie, LOL. See? I was wrong, it's that Javier Bardem dude.

Damn, another rain delay on the Other Channel. At this rate, it's a race for which event would end first--the Oscars or the Nascar. So boring. Not a crash or weird see-through dress in sight.

They are showing the Oscar salute to binoculars and telescopes, a sort of self-mockery of what you'd have to watch if the Writers' Strike had continued. We get the point, Jon. You don't have any material. You should have come out in an Egyptian-collared dress. And push-up bra.

And now, the second act: Tony Stewart and Kurt Busch hugging up and singing "Kiss It Up." And then they crash each other's cars again. Oh, throw in Montoya too. You know he wants a piece of the action.

Owen Wilson is given the nominees for Best LIVE Action announcement. I don't want to say anything, even though it's the perfect moment for a cruel snark. Not saying it. Uh-uh.

You know, these foreigners are infesting the NOSCARS, dammit. What with Villeneuve, Montoya, Franchitti...here, have some chewing tobaccy, luvs. You guys need a cap. And stop all that accenting already.

Y'all just missed the Short Animated Film award. Do you care? Thought so.

I haven't seen any truly ugly dresses yet, by the way. This is truly disappointing. Oh wait, I think I remember Daniel Day-Lewis' date's dress. It looked like someone vomitted a poinsettia on its front. Maybe I can find a pic.

Best Supporting Actress. Oh come on, it's got to be Cate B., right? I did like that actress in Michael Clayton, though. That scene with her sweaty armpits? See, I remember it, so it must be good. HEY SHE DID WIN! Heh. She still looks sweaty with slicky hair and shiny face. And she's all accenty and wearing the wrong era--some kind of black Greek balloon. It's Egyptian time, girl! Sheesh!

Here's Jessica Alba who forgot to shave her chest hair.

The Other Race is still red-flagged and they're showing cartoons while waiting for the rain to stop. How appropriate.

The writing is still bad. Racing too. This is a disaster.

Best adapted screenplay. Atonement. Away From Her. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. No Country for Old Man. There Will Be Blood.

What? No The Flame and the Flower? No Sleeping With The Agent? No The Millionaire and The Virgin? I swear those are better titles, yes?

Good God, we've arrived to the interesting portion about the Oscar Procedures. I shall now chug down more wine. Because it's like watching waterboarding, you know. I NEED SOME ENGINES ON FIRE, PEEPS!

The next song is sung by Michael Waltrip's happy warbling about Toyota. And LITTLE Earnhardt is playing with the Jeff Gordon's bongos. I'm sorry, my NOSCAR entertainment is much more fun than what they have. Sigh, where is Antonio Banderas and his guitar when you weally, weally, weally need him?

Starting my fourth glass, my friends. This does not bode well for coherence and spelling.

For some reason, Jon is tallying the pregnant actresses count. Jessica Alba, Cate Blanchette, Nicole Kiddman, and Angelina Jolie, if you're interested. Halle Berre and Judy Dench just showed up on stage with clown hair and face hair. Okay, it's two men who sorta look alike, pretenting to be JD and HB. It's the presentation for Sound Edit. Can you stand the suspense????! Well, Bourne Ultimatum wins. You know, the movie with the dude that looks like the guy on VIRTUALLY HERS. Ya don't believe me? Look at the cover on the right side of this blog. Told ya.

(Hey, what's a little liveblogging without pimping my own book, huh?)

This winning couple gave the Best Speech Evah. They both blanked out.

Now it's Best Sound Mixing. What's the difference between Sound Mixing and Sound Editing? Good question. Do you care? Like watching the cars go round and round and round without hearing the roaring engine, you know. And Bourne Ultimatum won again. Wow, that movie has good sounds.

I'm still scared. I have seen everyone of these past Oscar winners they are showing when they were making those speeches LIVE. My life...I wasteth four hours a year on this. I need therapy.

I believe Forrest Whitaker is an immortal. He looks exactly the same every year. Best Actress award now. Cate Blanchett, whom I love. Or, Julie Christie, the favorite, and still very Dr. Zhivago-beautiful. But it'll go to a foreigner.

You see? Gennita is rarely wrong when she's drunk. And she's all overwhelmed and accenty, saying, "Eeet iz trooe der is some MANGELS in this city." Obviously, she's been with MY GEORGE CLOONEY. Damn her, damn her to hell.

It's Colin Ferrell who spots pre-bald Agassi hair. Or current Tony Stewart dirty hair. And they sing a duet together. The songs nominated year proves there was also a SONGWRITERS Strike.

It's Bad Boy Jack Nicholson. Instead of sunglasses, he's wearing the frame of one with old-man reading glasses. So he isn't as immortal as he thinks. Montage of the past 79 best movies. Okay, this would be fun for me. See, I actually saw most of those movies up to the late 90s. So I know what I'm talking about till then, LOL. I actually saw The Sound of Music 365 times because my siblings grew up watching that movie once a day. To this day, they can still mouth the entire movie's dialogue. Scary, I know.

Bourne Ultimatum won for film editing. You see? Good sound. Good editing. And presented by Renee Zellwegger wrapped in so many Swarozski diamonds, she had some left over for Nichol Kiddman. She doesn't look at all preggers, but then I'm blinded by the bling-bling. It's an honorary Oscar. Like, if you'd never won a car race but live to be 100, they're going to give you a little something for being such a great driver, or something like that.

Nichol With-Kiddman looks like she's going to barf on stage any minute now. This guy, Robert Doyle, is giving a history of moving images. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh wait, something to look forward to coming up...John Revolta! Don't leave me now. We're still stuck at Lap 87 on the Other Event, by the way, with Jimmy Johnson leading. Jimmy is also J. Gordon's protegee and teammate, for those who aren't in the know, and that's why it's no coincidence is car is 48 to J. Gordon's 24, if you ask me. Now little E., he's now 88. He can't do math.

Penelope Cruz, also with chest hair, presents...the foreign movie award. I bet you a glass of wine another foreigner wins. Wait, did I just watch a Kazakhstan movie of Mongolian ala Genghiz Khan warriors? (looking at wine suspiciously) Mongolians speaking Kazakhstani? Bwahahahaha.

SHRRRIIIIEKKKKKK. It's Patrick McDreamy Dempsey, whom I can lick all night too (looking at George very apologetically), introducing Kasey Kahne to sing a song from Enchanted. So we get to see a bunch of dancers waltzing, going round and round the race track. Wait, is that Karl Edwards playing the prince?

It's it's...argh...Revolta. My God, man. Botox is really not your friend. And that helmet head. Even your chin dimple is frozen, man. I. Need. More. Alcohol.

For your trivial information, I did J.T.'s roof. He used to live around here, and everyone called him J.T., like he's their best buddy or something. I also saw Saturday Night Fever at least 360 times because it was on that freaking long in the theatre that I get to see free movies (friend working as usher sneaking us in). That damn movie. That damn shirt. That damn pose. They censored the scene of Johnny's hand in his underpants (beginning of the movie), so I never got to see that till it came out in Betamax. How's that for Gennita tidbit?

They're drying the track on the other channel. I think they're going to try to reach the halfway mark to call it official. I suppose the OSCARs is now official then, since I'm way halfway done with my bottle. Way halfway. Like running on empty.

Hey, it's what'sherface--Cameron Diaz--in a recycled gown. I swear I've seen her wearing it before. And she just tied her hair in an untidy ponytail. Wow. Cameron, running late? Cinematography went to And There Will Be Blood.

Hilary Swank presents the montage of those who have departed. After all, she did that movie this year about someone who died too, you know. Besides the most recent tragic loss, the only big name I remember is one of my idols, Ingmar Bergman. I love his work.

Is it bad form to say that I'm getting the munchies?

Amy Adams comes out and posed some rhetorical questions (would Jaws be frightening without the Jaws music?). Then it's Atonement for Best Score of something like that. I'm sorry. Brain not working any more. I found a new bottle of wine. Oh-oh. o-O It's another win for the accent, folks, if you're paying attention.

It's Tom Hanks, the Botox Bee. You see? He can't smile either. So let's invite our so-very-busy military dudes in Iraq to give out the nominees for Short Subject. Wow. And they're stuck in a...LONG war. Look out, look out, incoming, incoming!!!! Dudes, this war isn't action-packed enough for you, right? And the funniest thing just happened: the subject that won...samesexlurv. The military giving an award for Don'tAskDon'tTell short subject. Bwahahahaha. I die.

It's now documentary time, which means the winner would be something against Bush. You just know it. See? Waterboarding and torture--sure bet for an Oscar.

Well, if I had the inclination, I'd have made a short documentary of JT's stay here. He lived in famous subdivision that allows its homeowners to fly in their airplanes and PARK THEM IN THEIR SPECIAL GARAGES. But he wanted to buy a Lear Jet. John Travolta was banned from the neighborhood. And that was the end of his stay ;-). See, I'm full of Revolta trivia. Get me drunker and I might tell you about HIS LIVED-IN ASSISTANT who wore a smoking jacket when he answered the door. Bwahahahaha.

You know, those dang racecar drivers look more and more like Bart Simpson whenever I check. So strange. You know what's great with Zinfandel? Girl Scout Cookies. The ones with the chocolate and coconut all over them.

Oh, Harrison Ford, who sounds very, very tired. Original Screenplay goes to Juno, a screenplay by an ex-gogo dancer. Egyptian tiger top and a tattoo. She is cool in my books, dudettes! My, the slit in her dress opens up all the way up there...good for pole-dancing. Snark, snark.

It's the Oscars for Best Actor. In my book, I'll give it to MY GEORGE CLOONEY, of course. Is there even any other man worth the Oscar, huh, huh?

Helen Mirren has the Best Dressed Award, for sure, and her voice is sooooo wonderful to listen to. GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE CLOOOONEEEEYYYYY. I lurv you, my George, I LURV you. Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah. Okay I love Daniel Day-Lewis too but his moustache is horrible in this movie. As for Johnny Depp, he deserves this Oscar for his singing cojones. Tommy Lee Jones is an old favorite but he already won one, so there. And I nominate Viggo Mortenson's naked butt for an Oscar.

Boohoo, it's Mustachioed Man DDL, the favorite to win. See? Accent win again. Okay, what is this with the double earrings--Daniel Day-Lewis looks like Ruth Buzzi without the hairnet.

Well, it's downhill from here. My GEORGE didn't win, what a shame. What a shame, I say. He actually did ACT in this movie too, dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! GEORGE WAS ROBBED! RRRrrrrOOooOoooBBBBBed, I say! The final scene of Michael Clayton? BEST FACIAL EXPRESSION EVAH! You voters are just jealous of his face! EndRant.

Martin Scorsese comes out to present Best Director. The Coen Brothers won. They look like Judy Dench and Halle Berre. Snerk.

Oooh, Denzel Washington. When did he go bald? =8-O Best motion picture. Well...I bet you Judy Dench and Halle Berre win again.

SEEEee? See? You cannot beat a drunk Gennita at the guessing game. Cannot.

I weep for Michael Clayton. But at least Sweaty Armpits won for Best Supporting Actress. George, you were robbed, baby. Come home to me...I'll kiss you better. And more.

And so, it's over...BEFORE MIDNIGHT! How's that possible?

One and the half bottles of wine later and I can still type ;-). Thank you for staying with me through my NOSHSCAR, ahem. I think this year's Academy Award was the MOST BORING EVAH. The only thing going for it was all the ladies with their chest hair.

See ya next year!

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More Post Oscars Fashion Trauma

This is Un-Fashion Week, where roofer authors get to see how the glam world lives ;-). Here are more Oscar Prom Night Eyesores I found. Can you believe these clothes cost thousands?

I know, I know...she looks so sweet. But what is it about a giant bow that makes couturiers swoon? Hi, I am a giant bow sitting on your chest all night. Or shoulder. Does it do double duty, not just as silly accessory, but also, hmm, mouth-wiper during after-Oscars parties? Is it actually a purse to keep a small lipstick? A big black bow on white lace looks wonderful...on a cartoon gramma.

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Ha! I told you I'd find Meryl Streep for you! Here she is, MC Devil in Prada. That thing around her neck must weigh a ton. And again, I recommend the new Britney look to replace all the general "uncombed" style. Next year, I'll send MC Devil my toolbelt. In rhinestones.

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Kirsten Dunst as Dorky Bird. That's one weird collar on that gown.

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This is Bond Girl, Eva Green, who pasted some shiny scales on her shoulders and chest to distract you from the moldy hair net she'd artfully wrapped around her body. In fact, with her make-up, she could pass for a young Miss Havisham. Where's the rotten cake, Eva? (ahem, sorry about the reference to Dicken's Great Expectations. This is a writer's blog, ya know, heehee).

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BLAST FROM THE PAST

But none of the above compare to the indescribable Cher creations. I love them. I miss them. The Oscars need her to come back. Give her an honorary statuette or something, I don't care.

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I still think this man was the best-dressed of the night, heh heh. He should just show up at my door so I can thank him properly for making my Oscars night worth it.

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You Can See What I Meant

REMINDER: VIRTUALLY HIS ARC CONTEST
See Feb 15 post (VIRTUALLY YOURS)

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LAST NIGHT'S YAWN FEST

Here are samples of last night's Prom Night At The Oscars.

1) Jennifer Hudson: Nice color but what's with wearing a size one silver satin jacket? Does it even keep you warm? Pockets are nice in a gown but walking down the red carpet with your hands in them? Not good.



2) Penelope Cruz aka The Golden Duck: It's muted bronzy gold, with enough feathers for March Of The Ducks. At least she doesn't have a peanut head like Jennifer Lopez last year.



3) Cameron Diaz aka Napkin Woman: Like I said, my mom would have approved. I can so see her lying on top of a giant plate with silverware.



4) Naomi Watts: In washed-out yellow. And too cheap to get an entire wrap. I did like her hair, though. Marilyn Monroe is back, have you notice?



5) Maggie Gyllenhaal: those strips of different material, I'm told, are called ARCHITECTURAL ACCENTS. She should beat her dresser black and blue for this.



6) Jennifer Lopez: She's the Grecian babe. This gown actually looked quite lovely on stage. But I don't know in this picture. High-waisted designs always makes one look either pregnant or out of proportion.



I couldn't find you Meryl Streep's Oscar Prom Dress. She's always good for a gulp. Send it to me if you have it.

So the boldest color was blue and everyone thinks washed out plum/mauve/puke is sophisticated. Yuk. Where are the usual hot glamor girls this year, anyway? Where's Charlize Theron? Halle Berry? Uma?

But we still have Gywneth, who's a hit or miss, depending on what she does with her boobs. I like this gown. It has ARCHITECTURAL lines. And it is different (no strips, no patches, no feathers, no glitter, no one strap, no overtightness, no strange combo, no washed-out vanilla yellow, no prom-night pinko). It's a nice Oscar dress.



Oh btw, I miss the bling bling this year too. Last year, we had enough to need sunglasses. I tell you, this year, everyone is thinking "save the world, save the diamonds." Sigh.

I shall always fondly remember this:



Or Kim Basinger, 1990, where are you?

Seriously, they knew how to dress for the Oscars back then.

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Oscars Commentary

Here we are! I have my drinks. My laundry. My WORD file open. Pistachios. And camera for clothes change. Happy OSCARS TIME!

So far, nothing happening. There were penguins and then Penelope Cruise paraded out as a golden duck.



While we ignore the boring male interviews, I took a picture of me at the OSCARS. Here are my companions The Love Caterpillar and The Purple Prose Dragon. As you can see, we're party animals here.

There's Cameron Diaz who is so heartbroken about breaking up with the Timberman that she forgot to comb her hair.

Now here's a lovely dress. Cate Blanchett's gold slinky thing. And I've always loved her for daring to show up at the Oscars wearing bright sunshine yellow one year. Only an elf could do that.

Oh my. The Queen has arrived. And does she look dowdy.

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Please feel free to post and comment, by the way. And oh, have a glass of wine.

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Okay, overhead sweep. Everyone wearing muted colors. In other words, I miss Cher.

The beginning sequence was okay. Short takes of the nominees talking about their nominations. Yawn. Where's Ellen? Maybe she'll be funnier.

Ellen comes out in Hugh Hefner's bathrobe made into a suit. Her opening intro is forgettable so let me just talk.

My favorites are Eddie Murphy, Helen Mirren, Peter O'Toole, Forrest Whitaker and Jennifer Hudson.

OMG, Jack Nicholson has gone all Britney.

This is a very strange beginning. Maybe I'm watching the wrong show. A gospel group just led the movie stars in a clap-along. Where's the glamor in that?

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Okay, here we go, the first Oscars are given out for art direction. Nichol Kidman is in brilliant red with a red noose hanging on the right side of her shoulder. Lovely.

Maggie Gylenhall is obviously wearing last year's cast off of one strapped gowns. Doesn't she know this year it's...it's...what's this year's theme, anyway?

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You know what? WILL FARRELL should be hosting the OSCARS. He's funny. He can sing. And he would just make the hour go faster.

He's doing a song and dance Broadway-ish skit about comedians never getting any Oscars. Very nice, boys.

What? The Chinese dynasty movie, Curse Of The Poison Blossom, wasn't nominated for makeup? I mean, come on! All that weird eyeshadow on Gong Li! And the way they made her boobs pop out...that's achievement!

Ellen sucks as hostess and I'm hungry. I'm off to spaghetti and some writing. At least I'm at a pretty good scene with my commandos. They are at a meeting and Hell is just about to burst in and punch one of them. I haven't decided whether I'll have her do it. Hmm. Maybe after spaghetti and wine....

Oh stop. The guy just won some Oscar for short film and he wants to lecture us with his speech about how what short films are. Bah. Drink some wine, dude. Enjoy your moment.

A short take of Clint voice-over about his film Letters From Iwo Jima. You realize, Clint, if you win again over Scorsese, he'll win find some bad cops to kill you. That said, I do think you have the better movie than Scorsese this year. But you know how the Academy is. They will give Scorsese a pity fuck, I mean, a sentimental nod.

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I'm supposed to be changing my costume right now but damn, this spaghetti is delicious. Sorry.

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The sound effects group was pretty cool.

Sound achievement went to Letters From Iwo Jima.

Jessica Biehl just came out in hot purply fuchsia. Sorry, that is NOT an Oscar color, girlfriend. Sound Mix winner: Dream Girls. Duh. All that singing, you know.

Drink mix winner: Gennita Low (white Zinfandel, Sprite, and a little pineapple, yum!)

Okay, maybe the girls should all go Britney this year because Rachel Weiss forgot to comb her hair too.

Okay, which tough guy is going to win Best Supporting Actor???? Oh man! It went to Alan Arkin, not Eddie or Honshu. Wow! First time ever I was wrong! (looking at wine glass suspiciously.

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Allen still sucks as hostess. She is booooorrrrrrrringgggg.

Is it just me, or are the acts really weird this year? Of course, they had the horrible slow-mo Crash dancers last year, but so far, all we have are gospel singers, a group making sound effects, and some dance troupe pretending to be Cirque de Soleil for five seconds.

(looking at wine suspiciously)

Marky Mark, I mean Mark Wahlberg, did the voiceover about the next best film nominee, Scorsese's The Departed. Marky Mark sure has grown up into a fine young man, hasn't he? Is there hope for Justin Timberlake? Uh, no.

Wow, is the Oscars tightening its budget? There are no movie reenactments with the movie songs this year. It feels like I'm at the Grammy, folks. Oh wait, wasn't Al Gore there too?

And speaking of the devil, he shows up with di Caprio. Oh hell, the former VP has been botoxifying! Al, Al, that's so not GREEN. Frown for me, Al! Frrrrrrown! Of course, I'm not sure I really want to see an Emo!Al.

Oh look, it's Cameron Diaz with the hair problem again. She's wearing my mother's silvery satin table napkin, which must be strategically folded. Like so.

Finally, some eye candy, if you like Ben Affleck. He's a bit young still, but he's getting there ;-).

It's the Queen and Tom Hanks. Nice hair, Your Majesty. Can you imagine the Queen giving Borat an Oscar? No chance, but I hope he wins so we can be amused by his thank you speech. Of course, it goes to The Departed. Another boring speech follows. Oh wait, he started with "Valium does help." That's promising. Hahahahaha, he was so boring after that first line that the band played a lullaby! Did you notice?

And the Oscars for Best Costume goes to the movie that shows the most popped boobettes, Marie Antoinette.

Here's Tom Cruise on valium.

Here's me folding my laundry whole we watch some documentary on some marvelous person who did some marvelous movies. Not that I don't care about breast cancer, folks, but must there be a Green Oscar? Yawn.

Ooooh, here's some actress who did comb her hair--Gywneth Paltrow. And I like her gown, very pretty, just the right color for her. She's presenting best cinematography: Guillermo somebody. Sorry, the wine is interrupting my mental state.

Advertisement comentary: Oh wow, how did that Mastercard elephant maneuver himself between the supermarket aisles? Tiny me can't even go through them without bumping some shelves.

Naomi Watts comes out forgetting to pull up the rest of her sleeves. The yellow of her gown looks washed out. Robert Downey Jr. looks scruffy.

Gad, I feel like I'm 79 years old myself.

Katherine Deneuve! (Hope I spelled her name right) I love that woman's glamor. Me lurvs foreign films. Go see Kagemusha, 'kay? And Rashomon. Forget 81/2 unless you're drunk. Or if you loved Marcello Mastrianni that much.

SHhhRIIIIIEEEEEEK!

GEORGE!

GEORGE!!!!


Lucky, lucky Jennifer Hudson! She gets to hug up on George! I would just forget about the speech and fall into his arms sobbing. Hug him! Tongue him! OMG, she ignored George! Is she crazy?! Is she stupid or what? She IGNORED GEORGE, the sexiest man on earth! Biiiotch!

Georrrrrrge! Sigh. Okay, I can say thank you and goodnight now.

Jerry Seinfeld is funny. I miss him. He can make presenting the award for best documentary funny. If the Academy gives this Oscar to Al Gore, I'm going to go pull out some plants.

Okay, Al Gore won. The plants die. Excuse me while I go fire up my SUV.

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It's sexy Clint Eastwood walking out to the score of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. He's fubbing his lines! Clint has been drinking! Sure, he's blaming it on not wearing his glasses. Yeah, right. Watching Ellen and moving body parts on stage would make me drink a lot too.

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Okay, Celine Dion came out to lull me to sleep. Her dress has strips of mauvy pink satin stuck to some gauzy pink material. Clint looks on drunkenly.

Most. Boring. Oscars. Evah.

Can George please streak us? Please?



Here comes the golden duck, Penelope Cruz. Forget her. Hugh Jackman is YUMMY tonight.

Kirsten Dunst and Toby Macguire came out as dorks. Little Miss Sunshine won for Original Screenplay. Goodie. So far, it looks good for the sleeper!

Well, it's Jennifer Lopez who heard my comment about her peanut head last year. She looks beautiful but is it just me, but are all the women wearing very pale lipstick and washed out pale gowns?

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Here's the Jennifer Hudson show. Ooops, sorry, Dream Girls, sorry Beyonce and what's her name. Heh.

Well, Melissa Etheridge's Save The World From Pollution beat out Scream Girls. Shoulda known, the way the Academy has gone green. "We are all green." Yuck. I hate vegetables. Gimme some fries, somebody.

Green = Boring

Green Oscars = One Big Yawn

Emo!Al Gore cannot save this show.

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I am so missing last year's gay cowboy references and stuffed penguins.

Mommie, are we there yet?

Sigh.

Ellen is pretending to close the show. Of course, we all laugh politely.

Best actress: you know it's going to be THE QUEEN. Right?

Yayayayaya, I would have chopped my own head off if they had given it to anyone other than Her Majesty. Although, I wouldn't have minded Meryl Streep since it's been so long since her last one. Hooyah, Mirren thanked THE Queen! Whoa. I wonder, what would it be like if Mirren gets whatever that's equivalent to knighthood in Britain and actually gets to meet the Queen? That would be an interesting moment, eh?

So Reese Witherspoon is back looking MUCH BETTER THAN last year's travesty of a gown. Now, y'all know the winner for Best Actor will be another head of state (Whittaker), right? But Peter O'Toole should be the sentimental favorite.

Awww. I was right. But awww. The look on Peter O'Toole's face.

So no favorites so far. WHO IS GOING TO WIN BEST DIRECTOR AND MOVIE? You know it's Scorsese. I haven't been WRONG yet.

HA!

HA!

I am right on the money. Now the next one is difficult because last year, the Best Director didn't win Best Picture. So The Departed might not win. It could go to Letters To Iwo Jima. I'm going to have to go for The Departed because the show is boring and safe tonight.

Britney shoulda performed with Jack Nicholas tonight. Just sayin'.

Hey, would The Queen win Best Picture?!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I told you I'm good at this. So can we go to bed now? Can I finish my wine? Finish writing my scene?

Last word on tonight's Oscars: "We are not amused."

Thanks, all, for staying with me and pretending to be entertained ;-). All one hundred and twenty visitors tonight! Next year, we'll drink scotch.

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Oscar Yakkity Yak

REMINDER: VIRTUALLY HIS ARC CONTEST
See Feb 15 post (VIRTUALLY YOURS link)

It's the OSCARS tonight. Barring any technical and mental difficulties, I'll be here with a bottle of wine and blogging this evening, commenting on movies and clothes. Deep stuff like dat ;-). Please do join me. BYOB. Seeing that George Clooney, the sexiest man on earth, isn't nominated, no need to BYBOB. Heehee.

I saw the interview between George and Julia Roberts the other night. Cute. They are funny together. Loved it when Julia funned around about how, when bumping into people who had 90 percent of their heads replaced, she had to just say HI without noticing the big change. Heehee. I could name a few stars botoxified into talking corpsedom. Can you? Did you catch George mentioning Jennifer (Aniston) in his conversation with Brad Pitt? Haha. Now you know how long ago this interview took place.

Then they had a similar meeting between Russell Crow and Nicole Kidman. That was weird. Disastrous. Spectacularly Stupid. And Nicole kept touching Russell's thigh/calf. Heehee. I just found that too funny. Their body language spoke more than the interview.

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I'm going to attempt to write in between OSCARS COMMENTARY and wine. Wow. What if I made a mistake and wrote my pages on the BLOG and let you read it? ;-)

See you tonight!

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