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1) Cavill has a body of a, hmmm, superman.
2) Mt Olympus is a boring place.
3) The gods spend all eternity sitting on the steps on said Mt., looking bored.
4) The good soldiers use painted metal garbage can covers for shields.
5) Mt. Tartarus is Mt Doom with no fire pit, only a tiny box with wild-eyed prisoners-(bad)gods chewing on Christmas poles.
6) Other than Cavill body shots, zzzZZZzzzZZZ.
7) Lastly, do not go see movie with dude who keeps asking me, "Where are the chipmunks?"
How not to tell a story, especially in the movies:
1) Show, don't tell. The voice-over drones on and on with info-dump about immortals and humans and bygone eras, zzzZZZzzz.
2) What about that damn eagle? Why did Theseus throw that head at the eagle? Why is that eagle flying all over? I thought it was Zeus in disguise, then it flies onto its perch in the enemy tent. And never did a damn thing.
3) What about the Immortals? They made up about 10 minutes in the movie, looking awfully bored. And they aren't even immortal because they can die.
4) The Bow. It's the most important weapon ever and obviously just some plot-monkey to move the story forward. Even in bad kung-fu movies, the hero finds some kind of weapon or secret kung-fu moves and actually masters it to fight the enemy. Here, the hero, Theseus, blunders around, finds the bow, and PROMPTLY LOSES IT to the enemy. So he is only good to find the damn bow. If he were just killed, Hyperion would have never found it. If I were Zeus, I'd have the Oracle sleep with Theseus so she loses her ability to "see," then have her poison him and TADA! no bow and Hyperion has no Oracle.
5) I'm still cackling at the bad "gods" imprisoned in that box, chewing on the Christmas poles. I suppose the poles are supposed to go through their cheeks or something, but really, they are just there biting on them.
6) You want to see the best million-soldier war scene ever? Go rent Kagemusha on Netflix. Now THAT's how you tell a story about an epic war. And the characters have layers.
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2 comments:
I read the initial part of you post this morning while having some coffee. Almost blew coffee through my nose when I got to the "chipmunks" part. Classic!
Alund, you know it's a horrible movie when the male counterpart isn't impressed by the blood and gore! And yeah, I did trick him by telling him we were going to see the chipmunk movie :P.
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