It's the 2009 NOSCARS (Oscars and Nascar to you noobs)

Oh My God.

I just saw Hugh Jackman giving Barbara Walters a lap dance. Yeah! That's the way to start the Oscars!

I'm not here yet. I'm flipping back from NASCAR racing (hence, NOSCARS, and MY BOY IS LEADING) and saw THAT. I think I might start pouring out the wine early.

Unlike last year, when I wore my white gown, I'm dressing down too....I'm in my sweat pants, still damp from my carpet cleaning chores. Yes, my carpets are spotless now and I deserve a few hours of channel surfing and yakking about fast cars and bling bling. Are you ready? What are you wearing and what's the drink? Wine's my poison for the NOSCARS.

Just looking at some of the fashion as they walk down the red carpet. Stars ARE dressing down, in fact, doing the Scarlett O'Hara.

*Meryl Streep is wearing Martha Stewart's latest curtain.
*Penelope Cruz is wearing curtains from the old gangster theatres from Chicago.
*Marisa Tomei is wearing leftover satin napkins (folded to perfection, though!) from last year's party.

And Jimmie Johnson is getting his chassis adjusted. Okay, I'm going to pull down one of my lace curtains and wear it like a toga. Yes, I'll leave the curtain rod on ala Carol Burnett, although that might make typing a bit difficult....

HUGH JACKMAN walks on the stage. He isn't naked. Damn it.

See? "Downsized because of the recession." I told you. No dancing, no singing, no elaborate stage. I say Hugh should just give everyone a lap dance. No, he has to sing about wanting to be a millionaire. Like we all don't?

The show is so downsized, they hired kids from the streets to do the dancing. And the stage decor is done by the stagehands' kids for extra pay. And the costume is leftover bodysuits from the disco era.

I keep waiting for those Wolverine knives to show up, don't you?

Whoopie should host again. I love Whoopie's humor. Whoopie and Goldie together = WIN. You notice almost everyone's dress is part of that giant brown curtain?

After a religious ceremony with five grand dames of the arts blessing the nominees, Penelope Cruz wins Best Supporting Actress because she is wearing the biggest curtain of them all, that's why. She reminds me of Audrey Hepburn, except La Audrey would never wear curtains.

Okay, I'm done with my first glass of wine. Refill? Where are my napkins? Never mind, I can use my lace curtain to wipe. Meanwhile Earnhart Jr. is having a nightmare, oh goodie. Popping out of gear is not a good thing at 120mph.

Okay, bathroom emergency--the curtain got in the way. I must have missed something really important. Not.

Hey, it's Adapted Screenplay. More wine? I'm getting hungry. It's going to really be messy, trying to open the fridge with a curtain rod across my shoulder blades.

Hey, it's Brad's ex. And she's not naked either. Where's that necktie, Jen? Oooh, the camera panned to Angelina having a good laugh that Jen is presenting animation. Okay, bored now. Can we have a cat fight?

ZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Not even a crash at the races. WTF? Most boring Noscars evah. I think the Oscars should have a caution period, in which everybody just rotate chairs.

Did the Japanese dude just thank his pencil? Did he also say "Domo Aligato, Mr. Robota?" LOL. Okayyyy. If I ever win a Rita, I'm going to thank my Bic. And Vaio. And electricity. All very important. And oh, my wine glass.

Sarah Jessica Parker just came on with Daniel Bond Craig for Art Direction. Jessica looks lovely in some frothy thing that has a skirt about a mile wide.

Only 60 laps to go. Whee.

Craig is not doing good with his lines. Like me, he's dying too. He's probably wishing he's driving one of the race cars right now. And killing some bad people. Like whoever designed the warehouse set in the background.

OMG. It's the Sparkly One. You know, Edward, talking about romance in movies. I feel old. I don't feel the sexay. Followed by a long montage of love and sex and kiss scenes from a variety of movies. Romance sells, yo.

Oh good, Ben Stiller ought to liven things up a bit. Heehee, he comes out pretending to be Joaquin Phoenix, who has, if you've seen him on David Letterman, gone utterly insane. Just find that clip on Youtube. Hilarious. Best presenter of the night.

In fact, I think if I ever win the Rita, I'll get on stage looking like Phoenix with that scruffy beard and sunglasses and mumble my thanks to my Bic while chewing gum, whaddya say? Think RWA will let me on?

Oh look, a giant satin napkin just walked on stage. I think that was Jessica Biehl but I was totally distracted by the sophisticated tuck the size of an elephant's trunk down her chest. Any moment now it's going lift up and spray the audience. Can you tell my wine is kicking in? :D

Looking at the clock here. Unlike the movie, I ain't getting any younger. OMG. It's only 9.43. Argh. Why do I do this to myself?!

Seth Rogen and James Franco try to entertain us with comic clips from movies. You know, this is so Wayne's World, and you kids don't even know those comic geniuses.

Come on, Jeff Gordon, I need a Big Win here. Don't let Kenseth win, dammit!

BTW, all the expenses of the show went into those thousands of Swarozski crystals hanging around the stage, all stolen from Cher's old costumes. Just so you know, that downsizing thing is a lie, even if everyone's wearing expensive table cloths and cushion covers. Look at them as the pork hidden in the cost-cutting political bills.

Because no one is going to Broadway and many shows have shut down, they've come to the Noscars! Hugh looks good in a top hat, btw. So they have Beyonce singing with Hugh. The running around with different musical bits is a bit frenetic and batshit crazy, if you ask me. Now, if Hugh would just do that lap dance....

I think I'm getting the theme of this show. Last year was all about going green. This year is all about trying to get the musicals back into the limelight. Right? I guess anything is better than the penguin throwing thing from a few years back. That. Was weird.

Damn, Jeff ain't gonna win the race. I'm mad now.

It's Best Supporting Actor's Award. Now five men in magical robes come forth to give their blessings to the nominees, who are trying to stay awake in their seats. Blah, blah, blah, ACTING, blah blah blah Wow! blah blah blah Taking Risk! blah blah blah Getting into character blah blah blah. More cowbell! How many crystals that Ledger is going to win?

So I'm not allowed to say anything snarky about the Ledger family's brownish skirts, of course. Bad form and all that. Loved Heath as the Joker.

Bill Mayer wearing smug. Documentary time. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzz. It's the piano music. And the freaking screens zap back and forth. I'm going to go feed my doggies now. They're whining. And this show is like watching an embalming, only less interesting.

I'm back. Did I miss anything? //grin

I did grin at Tina Fey and Steve Martin presenting together. Awesome partners. They should be given hosting duties. And for the musical bits, Steve Martin can play the banjo.

Will Smith is here for action movies. Will always looks good. Benjamin Button is getting the "early" wins. Does that mean good things to come? Or, oh-oh? I didn't see the movie. How does one age backwards, anyway? Probably has a sad ending, right?

I was in Bombay a few times. The traffic there was scary. It was scorching hot and a dancing bear kept begging me for money. I felt sorry for him and his handler because it was 200 freaking degrees.

Where was I? Oh yah, film editing. Sigh. Slum Dog Millionaire won. Yay. Go Bombay and dancing bear. You know what I was thinking? How come they didn't give a musical tribute to Rocky Horror Show? Now, that would have been awesome, especially if they can have the audience stand up and do the Time Warp, which is probably what all of them are wishing for right not, anyway.

Eddie Murphy gives Jerry Lewis the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian award. A truly good dude. Did I spy Sophia Loren in the audience? And Seal!

Good Lord, it's 10 till 11pm. We're almost there! This cheapo version of the Noscars is almost over. Hugh Jackman was under-utilized, imho. And I still think he should be naked. Or at least in a loincloth. And without my GEORGE CLOONEY present, it's just not the same boring show.

Okay, while they waste more airtime with music, I'm going to put down my bets now for the three main winners. KATE WINSLET and MICKEY ROURKE. Oh, an SLUM DOG MILLIONAIRE.

Alicia Keyes looks gorgeous in fuchsia. Oh look, they are doing Bollywood with Korean drums. You know, when the lights are down, the front small "intimate" stage gives a very nightcluby feel. The whole So You Think You Can Dance cast is on the stage. Jai Ho indeed.

What can I say? I thought they were going to end at 11pm. They aren't. The embalming continues. //me staring at my toenails. So, ummm, how many times did you yawn already? My Bad Puppy is asleep on my curtained lap. He's done chewing with the rod, btw.

I can hear you now. Jenn, why do you do this to yourself every year? Is it the wine? Wouldn't you prefer to read a book? My answer--well, I need to remind myself that there are worse things than my day job. I don't have to suffer live embalmation at the Oscars ;-P. When I am pounding on the cement mixer, trying to break the hardened concrete, I'll remember this moment of suffering and smile. And work harder.

Aww, they put Paul Newman as last on the In Memoriam montages. Me loved him so. And Charlton Heston. They both were in some great beloved movies.

Reese Witherspoon presented Best Director. Lovely blue gown with strange black bandaids hanging across the chest. Reese's dress, I mean, not the best director's, who is Boyle, for Slum Dog Millionaire. Seeing a pattern? ;-) Lovely line in his thank you speech: "You dwarf even the sky."

Best Actress. Scenes of past actresses crying, of course. Here come Sophia Loren, Halle Berry, Nichol Kidman, Shirley MacLaine and Marianne Coutiard as high priestesses giving their blessings. This is a very strange set-up. It's like, even if you don't win, hey, you get Sophia Loren personally telling you how great you are! Why does Sophia has her hand on her hip? Strange. I think they should have Jennifer Aniston give praise to Angelina Jolie. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Okay, betting 33 percent. Come on. Poor Meryl. Really. Someone give her another Oscar, please.

Robert de Niro, Anthony Hopkins, Ben Kingsley, Michael Douglas and Adrian Brody sing praises like Gregorian chants to the nominees for Best Actor. Yawn. It's 11.40pm, dudes, keep them short. What happened to the good old two people just calling out names? Do I really want Mickey Rourke to win? Not really, but he needs redemption, I think. Besides, I can't stand Sean Penn. Bah. At least he acknowledges that he's a jerk.

You know you're old when Sean Penn needs reading glasses. And even he knows he robbed Mickey Rourke, hah!

Okay, final Grand PoohBah Award. Toldja. Slumdogmination! It's that darn song, I tell you. They like them yellow scarfs.

It's finally over, the longest boringest embalment evah. Rest in peace. I finish my wine. Take off my curtain and rod. Sigh a sigh of relief. Tomorrow, I face that cement mixer with a smile.

Nighty night!

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