I See Rude People

Do you guys live under the thumb of the Home Association Nazis? Most newer subdivisions now have them and the wealthier the neighborhood, the more Nazi-like they get. For example, where I helped Ranger Buddy moved into, which is a gated community, you aren't allowed any "debris" in your truck. Meaning, they actually sneak up to your truck at night, shine a light into it and check it for construction stuff. If it's there, you get a ticket. Or, if you're having a party, you can't have people parking all over the roadside. They all have to park at this huge parking lot by the club house and then you have to drive each of your guests to your house. I kid you not. And being a gated community, you can't get visitors after certain hours without your being by the phone to approve them. But that's for a wealthy neighborhood and yes, I imagine most retired wealthy folks like to live rigidly like that.

In MOST other subdivisions, the Homeowners Association (HOA) usually just make sure things don't go overly ugly--like the homeowner who hasn't cut his lawn in weeks and the grass is a foot tall, or if he decides to put a sofa in his front yard and sits there to drink beer at night, or if he parks his huge trailer on the grass and rents it out, or if he decides to repair appliances in his driveway. Usually, it will start with a letter or two before they get all legal about it.

I have been watching the local news lately and the local HOAs have been getting some sort of Nazi-like Virus. One HOA is trying to fine several homeowners in their subdivision for having dead grass, which is something, as one homeowner points out, he can't control because we're having a draught this past year and we aren't allowed to water our lawns more than twice a week. It's a hefty fine--$100 a day! This is reported on the news, but the poor man still have to go to court (time and money) to get this problem resolved.

Then there is this other HOA that's trying to get this man to take down his flag pole. They say it's too high. Lord knows why a tall pole flying the American flag would be "unsightly" or would bring down property values, but anyway, same thing--fines and liens. The man fought this particular HOA in court and the publicity was so big that our governer, Charlie Criss, had to sign in a new law that HOA cannot make homeowners take down a flag pole under 20 feet tall. The man's pole? 19 feet ;-).

Anyway, this NAZI BUG has bitten my HOA. The other morning there was a pounding on my door (didn't ring my doorbell). I opened the door, still in my pajamas, my hair all tangled. A grim looking woman in a notepad was standing there.

Did she greet me? Did she have a pleasant demeanor?

No, of course not. She has the all important job of being the HOA biotch and that gives her the power to just look at me and scold, with that terse look of "yes me powerful" on her face: "You need to powerwash your sidewalk and driveway. They look terrible. And cut back on your plants and bushes. They are horrible."

Wow. Good morning to you too. I just stood there and looked at her. "Okay," I said.

"Follow me, so I can show you what to cut."

Wow. Are you kidding me? Follow you on MY property so you can tell me about MY horrible bushes? "No," I said, very politely.

She stopped moving and looked at me. I think it was in shock. "You don't want to follow me?"

"Not really."

"You'll clean the place up by the time I come back next week?"

Where is this woman's Nazi uniform? I shrugged. "Maybe."

"What do you mean, maybe?"

"Well, I haven't worked in four months," I told her. "I don't have the money to pressure clean anything. I'd rather use it to pay my mortgage."

Not a whit of sympathy on her expression. "Well, you can cut back on these bushes," she said, nodding to my rose bush that has several branches sticking into the walkway. To be honest, it is a wild-looking thing, but if you don't walk up my walkway to my front door (meaning, IF YOU DON'T VISIT ME AT ALL), you won't get attacked by my the branches.

"Sure, if I have time," I replied politely.

"It's really ugly," she said.

"Not as ugly as you," I muttered. Okay, I sort of lost my temper here.

"What?" she asked, not sure she heard me.

"Yes, really ugly," I said, keeping a straight face. "Can I go now? I'm, like, in the middle of sex when you rang the door bell. Can't keep him waiting too long, you know?"

I was being honest. I was writing a sex scene. But the Nazi Biotch doesn't need to know right? Not unless she reads this blog.

You know, I don't have a lot of roofing work right now. I think I'll run for the HOA board. Bring this bitch down. I bet I'll have quite a number of votes from those people whose doors she pounded on that morning. OTOH, I can't abide meetings. Maybe I'll just find out her name and address and after writing her as a fictional plant Nazi being chased by some maneating species in my next story, send the book to her with my compliments. Yeah. ;-)

You just wait. I'll catch her one of these nights looking at the back of old work trucks and telling me I can't have debris in them. You can always tell when someone who doesn't work for a living has just been voted onto an HOA board and is tasting the giddy Koolaid of Power. They drink and turn into Nazis.

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