Oscars Commentary

Here we are! I have my drinks. My laundry. My WORD file open. Pistachios. And camera for clothes change. Happy OSCARS TIME!

So far, nothing happening. There were penguins and then Penelope Cruise paraded out as a golden duck.



While we ignore the boring male interviews, I took a picture of me at the OSCARS. Here are my companions The Love Caterpillar and The Purple Prose Dragon. As you can see, we're party animals here.

There's Cameron Diaz who is so heartbroken about breaking up with the Timberman that she forgot to comb her hair.

Now here's a lovely dress. Cate Blanchett's gold slinky thing. And I've always loved her for daring to show up at the Oscars wearing bright sunshine yellow one year. Only an elf could do that.

Oh my. The Queen has arrived. And does she look dowdy.

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Please feel free to post and comment, by the way. And oh, have a glass of wine.

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Okay, overhead sweep. Everyone wearing muted colors. In other words, I miss Cher.

The beginning sequence was okay. Short takes of the nominees talking about their nominations. Yawn. Where's Ellen? Maybe she'll be funnier.

Ellen comes out in Hugh Hefner's bathrobe made into a suit. Her opening intro is forgettable so let me just talk.

My favorites are Eddie Murphy, Helen Mirren, Peter O'Toole, Forrest Whitaker and Jennifer Hudson.

OMG, Jack Nicholson has gone all Britney.

This is a very strange beginning. Maybe I'm watching the wrong show. A gospel group just led the movie stars in a clap-along. Where's the glamor in that?

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Okay, here we go, the first Oscars are given out for art direction. Nichol Kidman is in brilliant red with a red noose hanging on the right side of her shoulder. Lovely.

Maggie Gylenhall is obviously wearing last year's cast off of one strapped gowns. Doesn't she know this year it's...it's...what's this year's theme, anyway?

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You know what? WILL FARRELL should be hosting the OSCARS. He's funny. He can sing. And he would just make the hour go faster.

He's doing a song and dance Broadway-ish skit about comedians never getting any Oscars. Very nice, boys.

What? The Chinese dynasty movie, Curse Of The Poison Blossom, wasn't nominated for makeup? I mean, come on! All that weird eyeshadow on Gong Li! And the way they made her boobs pop out...that's achievement!

Ellen sucks as hostess and I'm hungry. I'm off to spaghetti and some writing. At least I'm at a pretty good scene with my commandos. They are at a meeting and Hell is just about to burst in and punch one of them. I haven't decided whether I'll have her do it. Hmm. Maybe after spaghetti and wine....

Oh stop. The guy just won some Oscar for short film and he wants to lecture us with his speech about how what short films are. Bah. Drink some wine, dude. Enjoy your moment.

A short take of Clint voice-over about his film Letters From Iwo Jima. You realize, Clint, if you win again over Scorsese, he'll win find some bad cops to kill you. That said, I do think you have the better movie than Scorsese this year. But you know how the Academy is. They will give Scorsese a pity fuck, I mean, a sentimental nod.

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I'm supposed to be changing my costume right now but damn, this spaghetti is delicious. Sorry.

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The sound effects group was pretty cool.

Sound achievement went to Letters From Iwo Jima.

Jessica Biehl just came out in hot purply fuchsia. Sorry, that is NOT an Oscar color, girlfriend. Sound Mix winner: Dream Girls. Duh. All that singing, you know.

Drink mix winner: Gennita Low (white Zinfandel, Sprite, and a little pineapple, yum!)

Okay, maybe the girls should all go Britney this year because Rachel Weiss forgot to comb her hair too.

Okay, which tough guy is going to win Best Supporting Actor???? Oh man! It went to Alan Arkin, not Eddie or Honshu. Wow! First time ever I was wrong! (looking at wine glass suspiciously.

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Allen still sucks as hostess. She is booooorrrrrrrringgggg.

Is it just me, or are the acts really weird this year? Of course, they had the horrible slow-mo Crash dancers last year, but so far, all we have are gospel singers, a group making sound effects, and some dance troupe pretending to be Cirque de Soleil for five seconds.

(looking at wine suspiciously)

Marky Mark, I mean Mark Wahlberg, did the voiceover about the next best film nominee, Scorsese's The Departed. Marky Mark sure has grown up into a fine young man, hasn't he? Is there hope for Justin Timberlake? Uh, no.

Wow, is the Oscars tightening its budget? There are no movie reenactments with the movie songs this year. It feels like I'm at the Grammy, folks. Oh wait, wasn't Al Gore there too?

And speaking of the devil, he shows up with di Caprio. Oh hell, the former VP has been botoxifying! Al, Al, that's so not GREEN. Frown for me, Al! Frrrrrrown! Of course, I'm not sure I really want to see an Emo!Al.

Oh look, it's Cameron Diaz with the hair problem again. She's wearing my mother's silvery satin table napkin, which must be strategically folded. Like so.

Finally, some eye candy, if you like Ben Affleck. He's a bit young still, but he's getting there ;-).

It's the Queen and Tom Hanks. Nice hair, Your Majesty. Can you imagine the Queen giving Borat an Oscar? No chance, but I hope he wins so we can be amused by his thank you speech. Of course, it goes to The Departed. Another boring speech follows. Oh wait, he started with "Valium does help." That's promising. Hahahahaha, he was so boring after that first line that the band played a lullaby! Did you notice?

And the Oscars for Best Costume goes to the movie that shows the most popped boobettes, Marie Antoinette.

Here's Tom Cruise on valium.

Here's me folding my laundry whole we watch some documentary on some marvelous person who did some marvelous movies. Not that I don't care about breast cancer, folks, but must there be a Green Oscar? Yawn.

Ooooh, here's some actress who did comb her hair--Gywneth Paltrow. And I like her gown, very pretty, just the right color for her. She's presenting best cinematography: Guillermo somebody. Sorry, the wine is interrupting my mental state.

Advertisement comentary: Oh wow, how did that Mastercard elephant maneuver himself between the supermarket aisles? Tiny me can't even go through them without bumping some shelves.

Naomi Watts comes out forgetting to pull up the rest of her sleeves. The yellow of her gown looks washed out. Robert Downey Jr. looks scruffy.

Gad, I feel like I'm 79 years old myself.

Katherine Deneuve! (Hope I spelled her name right) I love that woman's glamor. Me lurvs foreign films. Go see Kagemusha, 'kay? And Rashomon. Forget 81/2 unless you're drunk. Or if you loved Marcello Mastrianni that much.

SHhhRIIIIIEEEEEEK!

GEORGE!

GEORGE!!!!


Lucky, lucky Jennifer Hudson! She gets to hug up on George! I would just forget about the speech and fall into his arms sobbing. Hug him! Tongue him! OMG, she ignored George! Is she crazy?! Is she stupid or what? She IGNORED GEORGE, the sexiest man on earth! Biiiotch!

Georrrrrrge! Sigh. Okay, I can say thank you and goodnight now.

Jerry Seinfeld is funny. I miss him. He can make presenting the award for best documentary funny. If the Academy gives this Oscar to Al Gore, I'm going to go pull out some plants.

Okay, Al Gore won. The plants die. Excuse me while I go fire up my SUV.

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It's sexy Clint Eastwood walking out to the score of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. He's fubbing his lines! Clint has been drinking! Sure, he's blaming it on not wearing his glasses. Yeah, right. Watching Ellen and moving body parts on stage would make me drink a lot too.

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Okay, Celine Dion came out to lull me to sleep. Her dress has strips of mauvy pink satin stuck to some gauzy pink material. Clint looks on drunkenly.

Most. Boring. Oscars. Evah.

Can George please streak us? Please?



Here comes the golden duck, Penelope Cruz. Forget her. Hugh Jackman is YUMMY tonight.

Kirsten Dunst and Toby Macguire came out as dorks. Little Miss Sunshine won for Original Screenplay. Goodie. So far, it looks good for the sleeper!

Well, it's Jennifer Lopez who heard my comment about her peanut head last year. She looks beautiful but is it just me, but are all the women wearing very pale lipstick and washed out pale gowns?

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Here's the Jennifer Hudson show. Ooops, sorry, Dream Girls, sorry Beyonce and what's her name. Heh.

Well, Melissa Etheridge's Save The World From Pollution beat out Scream Girls. Shoulda known, the way the Academy has gone green. "We are all green." Yuck. I hate vegetables. Gimme some fries, somebody.

Green = Boring

Green Oscars = One Big Yawn

Emo!Al Gore cannot save this show.

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I am so missing last year's gay cowboy references and stuffed penguins.

Mommie, are we there yet?

Sigh.

Ellen is pretending to close the show. Of course, we all laugh politely.

Best actress: you know it's going to be THE QUEEN. Right?

Yayayayaya, I would have chopped my own head off if they had given it to anyone other than Her Majesty. Although, I wouldn't have minded Meryl Streep since it's been so long since her last one. Hooyah, Mirren thanked THE Queen! Whoa. I wonder, what would it be like if Mirren gets whatever that's equivalent to knighthood in Britain and actually gets to meet the Queen? That would be an interesting moment, eh?

So Reese Witherspoon is back looking MUCH BETTER THAN last year's travesty of a gown. Now, y'all know the winner for Best Actor will be another head of state (Whittaker), right? But Peter O'Toole should be the sentimental favorite.

Awww. I was right. But awww. The look on Peter O'Toole's face.

So no favorites so far. WHO IS GOING TO WIN BEST DIRECTOR AND MOVIE? You know it's Scorsese. I haven't been WRONG yet.

HA!

HA!

I am right on the money. Now the next one is difficult because last year, the Best Director didn't win Best Picture. So The Departed might not win. It could go to Letters To Iwo Jima. I'm going to have to go for The Departed because the show is boring and safe tonight.

Britney shoulda performed with Jack Nicholas tonight. Just sayin'.

Hey, would The Queen win Best Picture?!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I told you I'm good at this. So can we go to bed now? Can I finish my wine? Finish writing my scene?

Last word on tonight's Oscars: "We are not amused."

Thanks, all, for staying with me and pretending to be entertained ;-). All one hundred and twenty visitors tonight! Next year, we'll drink scotch.

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