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Guess everyone's a spy these days!
Oh, you guys are so funny, sending me emails trying to guess WHICH of the statues from yesterday's post is which COS commando...heh heh heh.
I'm also glad that my Hot Christmas Stocking Stuffer suggestions have prompted a couple of you to KNIT the WeenieWarmer for your loved one. That is entirely too sweet. I suppose you will have to make them Extra Large because anything smaller would hurt their Christmas feelings, right?
Rant of the Day: My computer updated to IE7. It's kewl, looks like Mozilla Fox, so I'm familiar with it, but now the background pictures aren't showing up. Gah. I can't figure out where the settings are to undo that. I've checked Internet options and all the boxes are checked under Micromedia, allowing pictures to show, etc. But where is the wallpaper on various websites? Gone, gone, gone. I'm frustrated. I don't want to deal with this. Any suggestions to my problem will earn you my undying cyber gratitude.
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So, right now, we're in the middle of our Christmas season and we're probably sooooo tired of everything bright red and white and clanging bells and hohohos and ribbons and names of friends and relatives and cards and stamps and people and lines...
So amusement MUST prevail!
Sanity must be restored!
Here are five suggestions:
1) Sing some TWISTED CHRISTMAS CAROLS with your loved one. Or at the dorm with your boyfriends. Or at an eggnog get-together. Just make sure the children are wearing earplugs ;-).
2) OR, if you indeed want the children to join in, SNOPES has a page that shows all the misheard lyrics to your favorite carols that you can now HELP to PROMOTE by teaching them to your children. Scroll down to the middle of page. There are plenty of excellent fodder:
How can you resist singing: "Chipmunks roasting on an oven fire..."??? Wonderful seasonal image!
3) Hate your neighbors if they do this:
Can you imagine the CARS milling around the front of the house? The cars ILLEGALLY parked on your driveway and lawn as people bring their kids to ogle? Can you imagine how hard it would be for YOU to drive out for a quick drink with all that traffic? And listening to that song over and over... Yeah. Hate them. I say you and your kids should go toilet paper their entire yard while they sleep. Go ahead...I triple-dog dare you.
4) OR, for a sweeter more savage revenge, you can play the CHIPMUNK CHRISTMAS CAROL ALBUM over and over again on your loudspeaker. One year in college, I suffered through from a neighbor. Over and over. I'm still recovering from Chipmunkitis.
5) You think you have it bad and there's no such thing as twisted Christmas planning? Here's an Air Force Christmas Party Planning Gone FUBAR:
December 1st
TO:ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I'm happy to inform you that the Squadron Chrismas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our Commander shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer
December 2nd
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish members. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to unit members who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer
December 3rd
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member in the Alcohol Rehabilitation Program requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads,"AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the junior airmen in the squadron feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer
December 7th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I've arranged for members who are enrolled in the Air Force Weight Management Program (AFWMP) to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer
December 9th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBER
SPeople, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our Commander to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer
December 10th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes.. But, you know,tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 14th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Captain Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Mental Health Clinic. In the meantime, I've decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, instead.Happy Holidays!
Ron Donaldson, Lt Col, USAF
Commander
Happy Eggnog, y'all!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Five Twisted Things To Do
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2 comments:
LOL, don't tell me you watched that whole film? God, I would not only hate them, I would bomb them!
Oh, and btw, I don't think I agree with not wanting the CIA in anything....do you think I could find a CIA calendar too??? LOL
Laur,
I did watch most of that show and that's why I figured their neighbors' got to be HATING THEIR GUTS! ;-)
As for the CIA calendar, there IS ONE, but of course, all the headshots have blurred out. Bwahaha.
Oh SQ,
Are you in the middle of Christmas BahHumbug fever, sweetie? Here's another antidote--go out to your favorite store and BUY YOURSELF A PRESENT! Works for me every time!
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