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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Spying on Mr. Oscars (Today's 2nd post)

Okay here we go. It's the beginning of the longest night on TV melodrama.

It's says it's the 78th annual Academy Awards. Has it really been around that long?

Very, very cute beginning. All the ex-hosts are making a cameo, giving excuses about not hosting this year. There's Jon Stewart, who's the real host, sort of dreaming that he's hosting. And George Clooney is in his bed. And George Clooney can come in my dreams any time too. In fact, let's make him the host.

He's a triple nominee, you know. I nominate him bed. Sigh. Doesn't he have the most talkative eyes?

Let's see how good JS does with the beginning monologue.
Haha JS quotes: "Not all gay people are virile cowboys."
"Bjork can't be here. She was trying on her dress and Cheney shot her." (If you remember, Bjork wore a dress that looked like a bird died on her one year).

Okay, this is getting borrring already. Can we have another shot of George, please?

They are showing cowboy montages to prove a point about cowboys and guns. OMG, Brokeback Mountain has made every cowboy movie before it gay. Totally. OMG, they even had Charleston Heston at his most glorious cut form. Being gay. Now I would so see a hawt scene of Charles and George.

What happened to Nicole Kiddman's nose? I mean, she's not wearing a fake thin one, is she?

Nominee comment: George Clooney is god. Matt Dillon looks better now that he has lines on his face. I can so see George and Matt together. You know the Brokeback cowboys are nothing compared with George or Matt. George will win. Oh, there is the king from Lord of the Rings, what's his name...he didn't get nominated?

You see? My George won. Gennita is right again. He looks so yummy. And Matt is looking up at the stage adoringly, thinking about those Batman lips.

Hey, do you think Oscar looks gay this year?

Wow, Tom Hanks look like the Mafioso guy in Prison Break! =8-O

Ben Stiller's little skit was good! Much better than Tom Hanks. He's presenting the award to King Kong, the movie that two people watched for special to remake a giant ape movie and watch $$$ disappear.

There's Reese Witherspoon, one of those actresses I never watch, but always hear about. How do you feel, when you're an Oscar nominee, and you're asked to present for the category for ANIMATED feature film? I'd throw a tantrum if I were her.

Is it just me, or does every male look gay at the Oscars tonight?

Oh look, Naomi Watts with something dead on her chest. Is champagne the color for the night? There's been three bright blondes in light colored dresses so far.

And there's my favorite cowgirl blonde, Miss Dolly herself. I love her. Skinny waistline forevah. Now, that's an uber-voice, folks. You hear it and you know it's Dolly's and no one else. Just like her big breasteses. Hey, I can be gay too.

I'm taking my breaks by reading passages from Paula Marshall's An Improper Duenna, an excellent accompaniment to all the passion in the air tonight. Right now, I have the very amorous and raking Sir Patrick seeing the delightful Miss Chloe as more than just an on-the-shelf duenna. I like a man who sees more than he should. He must have George Clooney's eyes....

Two guys presenting live action short. Borrring. Not interested. So back to the book.

Here's the part of the evening where my eyes usually glaze over. Fast forward. FAST FORWARD! Who really cares about animated shorts, really?

And the Jilted Woman of the Year award goes to...heh...Jennifer Aniston doing COSTUMES. Poor dear. Relegated to costumes. Is Mrs. Smith in the house tonight? I want a down and out catfight! And then a Hawt make-up session.

I'm sorry, the dresses this year is plain, plain, plain. I have prettier and sluttier clothes. Maybe the ladies are all thinking they are special effects tonight and no one can see their costumes?

Hey, hey, it's the bad boy Russell Crow, unshaven. You know, he's the only one I can't see doing a gay scene. Strange. Umm...I missed what he was sent out to honor. It included takes of Helen Keller, Alexander Graham Bell, Lou Gehrig, and Mahatma Gandhi. I totally blonde out on what's the common factoid here.

It's 9 PM! I made it past the first boring hour!

Nothing ever happens during the first hour. Usually, I'm chowing on icecream and cookies and reading. Or playing Mahjong on the puter. Anything, anything has to be more animated than the first hour.

Here's more gay innuendo--Will Fehrer and some 40 year-old virgin in gay makeup to give out the Best Makeup Oscar. The sophisticated audience is mildly amused as they squirm in their seats.

Here's Morgan Freeman starting the exciting 2nd hour with Best Supporting Actress. I'm going to go for the woman in Capote. Oh man, strike that. They gave it to the Mummy's reincarnated lover, whatsherface. Rachel, darling, your push-up bra is showing.

Here comes class...Lauren Bacall. It's so lovely to see a face with character, with some expression lines that aren't frozen by BOTOX, lips that aren't chemically pouted and look like a rhinoceros's moue, skin that doesn't look like it's been scraped to look like clear Saran wrap. A woman unafraid of time, is Miss Bacall. Brava.

I love those femme fatale old movies best. I watched them all in my girlhood days in Malaysia. Bacall had always been my favorite. She had the best lines! And oozed sex by just looking at a man. Today, they ooze by talking about sex every time they open their mouth. In fact, they just ooze. Bleaghh. Gad, I sound so old, heh.

And now, to the boring parts again--best documentary. Yawn. Can I go back to my book? An Improper Duenna is like one of those little gem books that you find now and then. I just love the way the author gave a different twist to the blue stocking theme in this story. And yeah, I can so see George Clooney with a bad British accent sneaking into her bedroom, with his torso like Apollo's....

Ah, the most beautiful woman on earth, Charlize Theron. I forgive her because Charlize can actually act. And dates Stuart Townsend, you know, TV's current Kolchak. I want to be Charlize Theron when I grow another foot and a half legs. Excuse me while I gaze adoringly at my future self. What is it with the clothes tonight?! Her dressmaker had some access cloth left over on her left shoulder and obviously couldn't find a pair of scissors to cut it off, so he made it into the biggest bow in Hollywood.

Okay, a bunch of gay men carrying penguins are on stage. With strange accents.

And the worst actress award goes to Jennifer Lopez in duckshit green and her head is shaped like a peanut tonight. I bet she's crowing because the OTHER JENNIFER is presenting a more stupid award than she, teehee. Wasn't Gigli a lesbian? See? There's a theme to these awards....

I wonder how much they paid those people pretending to dance in slow motion on stage?

I still don't get the commercial of the love relationship between Godzilla and Ultraman having a CAR as a child. And isn't Godzilla A MAN/MALE?! Gay, gay, gay.

Every time the camera shows darling George Clooney, I lick my lips. He's just too gawgeous.

Oh GOOD LORD. Keanu Reeves is on Prednisone. He's bloated, like me. Either that, or his Samoan genes are catching up ;-). Ooooh, ooh, no nasty emails, please. Sandra looks as congenial as ever. You think these two will ever get together to do Speed 3? LOL. You can't go back to that now that you're a beauty queen and the savior of the world, you know.

And now, a moment to celebrate our ethnicity, everyone. I want all of you to stick your head out of the window right now and yell out: "Is it ten o'clock yet? I can't take this show anymorrrrrrrrre!"

Not to be ghastly inappropriate (you can tell I'm reading a REGENCY right now) here, but we're done with honoring people with disabilities, people of color, people of different sexual proclivities...hmm, I can't wait for the next segment.

Okay, long speech here. You guys, I'm all for opening a bottle of wine right now. I bet that's what the audience at the Academy is thinking too. Be Right Back....

Okay, the color of Selma's dress is perfect for her black hair. I think every dressmaker in Hollywood has donated the right shoulder swath of their cloths to charity.

I will squeeze into a geisha kimono for George Clooney, I will too. Then I will do all the things a geisha girl reserves for her lord and master, yes I will.

Man, I just looked at the clock. Not 10pm yet and I already had three glasses of wine. Not. Good.

Have you ever wondered whether Oscar's sword is really big behind that sword? ;-)

I need Jon Steward to change costumes, like Joan Rivers. Or even Whoopi. Just to break the monotony. Either that or just steady the camera on darling George. I can drink to that.

On my fourth glass of wine, I'm now wondering what sex is like with a giant ape. Here's hot Eric Bana. Maybe it's the wine. Except for Bacall, none of the beauties tonight look glamorous. They look washed out. And Jessica Alba's dressmaker ran out of sequins.

Okay, you girls got to see Kagemusha by Kurasawa--that's the war scene with the flags. I swear, it's the most beautiful film ever. Kurasawa was god.

And here's another bunch of guys doing the gay whoops to a group called the Kiwis.

Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep wearing their best bedsheets. And like the best grammas, they snuck in some glasses of wine and peyote. They sound and look...HAPPY. Look at their eyes, man.

Bring on the clips again. What are we honoring now? Oh, WHO. Robert Altman. I've seen his movies! ;-) I still don't get MASH. And I lived close by Vietnam. Relatively. LOL.

Awrighhht, lissen up, it's Cris Ludicrous, and he's here with CLOTHES on. And either I'm drunk or they have a RAP group performing on the Academy awards. WTF?

The budget for this year's post must be VERY LOW because besides film clips, we're getting a bunch of very slow-moving dancers. Even the breakdancing sucks. This is like a bad 0ff-off-Broadway show. Please tell me it's the wine. No, the wine's making it better, isn't it? I'm actually watching American Idol, aren't I?

"We got us an Oscar, man. Check it out, check it out, yo yo yo."

Word. That has left Jon speechless.

It's my kickass babe, Sydney Bristow/Jennifer Garner with her baby chub-chub. She looks lovely. Champagne suits her. Bet she can still kick serious ass.

ARghhhHhhhh! ShhrrieeeKKkkkkk! Here is the reason for watching the Oscars! George, george, george, georgegeorgegeorgggge!!! He's da toast tonight, he is. Do you remember him in that TV show, Sisters, before ER? I had a serious case of hot lust for him way back then. Sigh. I need more wine.

Hahaha: "What happens in Bangkok, stays in Bangkok." Geddit? Geddit?

Poor Geisha. Not foreign enough for Best Foreign Movie nomination. And this South African dude just made the best speech of the night. Straight from the heart.

Hilary Swag's hair looks like she just drove up in her convertible. So you think Heath is going to win an Oscar? He talks funny in that movie. I would like the Phoenix dude to win. They're all great nominees this year.

Oooh, the other gay guy won. I'm looking at this actor on stage and it just struck me that he reminded me of someone I knew in college who used to live at my dorm. Can't remember his name...was it Tom? He was totally obnoxious. And...he was a drama major. Where did that come from...***looking at wine glass suspiciously***

You know, I would watch Brokeback Mountain if Heath Ledger would stop talking like he had no lips.

It's John Travolta with the hairdo of one of those old robot shows. Or a Ken doll with the painted hair. What happened, John? You know, I put his roof on here, when he used to live in the Fly-In. Yup. I did, I did. He had a house with two skylights. I peeked in and saw John Travolta's bedroom set. I did, I did. His housekeeper used to give us frozen steaks to take home. I know not why. But we took them home anyway. You see all the little stories you get when you read my blog? ;-)

Geisha won for something unimportant, in case you're still interested in the awards.

Best Actress. If they give it to Keira Knightley, I'll puke. Barf. Give it to Reese, the nice girl.

YESSSsss! I got another one right, heehee. But that dress, that dress, that dress. Sigh. I guess June Carter would approve THAT.
I dozed off. Is it over yet? Did I miss the best picture award? =8-P

Oh, crap, there's still stuff happening. Dusty Hoffman. Okay, screenplay. I would like The Constant Gardener to win. But you know what's going to win, don't you? If you don't you're even more clueless than me!

Yup, it's the gay cowboy movie, of course.

Another washed-out colorless blonde in colorless champagne. They all look alike after five glasses of wine. Sigh, that was Uma Thurman, who is actually very beautiful and very glamorous in years past. It's just the theme color. It doesn't look good on TV, unless you have a great tan. Uma and that would be a hawt scene too. ;-) Put those two beside David Letterman and that man will be reduced to a puddle of saliva. With his two front teeth the only things left.

Ya ya ya, it's Ang Lee's second Oscar. He knows how to project emotions in his movies. Hen Hao! As we Chinese would say ;-).

Oh yes, finally. Best Film of the Year. Finally, finally, finally. The suspense is killing me ;-P.

OMG! I just spilled my glass of wine! Crash won! Look at how shocked they are! I am shocked myself! Nothing gay about this one. I think they should have brought back the penguins myself. Just a good note to end on, don't you think?
Thanks for staying around. Can't wait to read your comments about the Oscars. Let me know whether you approved. Especially of my George Clooney. My butt hurts. More wine, anyone?

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Laura Linger said...

I'm usually all for as many Bush/Cheney jokes as humanly possible, but at the Oscars, they just make me want to barf. I adore John Stewart, but I am really a Stephen Colbert girl.

I'm pulling hard for Hoffman to get his due for his brilliant performance as Capote.

Interesting to see a writer's blog. Well, a published writer, that is.

Gennita Low said...

well, what do you expect from Hollywood? ;-) As for the writer's blog...right now, I think I'm wearing my Uber-coach potato hat. Welcome, and please pull out a seat and stay!

JN said...

Wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the commentary.

Poor J. Lo, she should have worn Champagne(colored dress).

The dresses were kind of bland this year, but George Clooney, he really does get better looking with age.

kate said...

I make it a habit of accidentally forgetting to watch the Oscars. And when I actually do remember, it's only for the clothes. Sounds like I didn't miss much this time. :) Your dialogue was absolutely hilarious. I started snorting so many times my roommate is starting to give me funny looks. Thanks for the fun version of the Oscars!


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