Spy Tracks

FIVE MORE DAYS TILL THE HUNTER!!!

I made an interesting discovery yesterday, and it sort of tied up with the last post about milestones and self-evaluation. I was looking for some documents in my fire safe and came across a bunch of journals...all by me.

You know, I really have to burn those things one of these days ;-).

But, back on topic...I, of course, interrupted my current chore and started to play with the books. I haven't kept a journal since I started writing seriously in 1997 because of course, with writing the story at night, I wouldn't feel like updating my journals. And Blogs weren't around then!

There was a set of four journals wayyyyy at the bottom, written in the late 80s. I had titles written on each of them in sequential years--TO HIM, TO MYSELF, TO MADNESS, TO SIMPLICITY AND ORDER.

Ah, the memories of those four years!!! From the titles alone, you can tell those were some of the most tumultuous times of my life, and pretty much in keeping with most people my age who had been wandering around the world and realizing that they had really done nothing but wander. Poor lost JL! ;-)

Anyway, after I got over the cringe factor (oh, I cringed and shuddered through all those entries about HIM, heh heh heh. And I barfed at all the sentimentality), I was very surprised at something that I did that I hadn't remembered doing. Every half year, I wrote a list of things of what I wanted in my life at that moment--what I wanted to do, to accomplish, to have.

Consistently, the top three things in those four years, I wrote:
1) I want to get out of debt ;-) (Poverty sucked, big time)
2) I want to buy a house
3) I want to write a book

It's odd how I don't remember doing that in my journals! There were more "I want to"s but these three goals appeared in almost identical order, with less ambitious needs in between them. And I sounded very glib too, as if I half didn't believe in accomplishing any of the above since at that moment, all I owned was probably two suitcases of traveling clothes.

There was a lot of angst about my writing because you couldn't write when your life was as chaotic as mine was. And at one point, in one of the journals, I wrote: "I have to stop writing now. Let's face it. I can't write. I will never be a writer--all my words are vague, like my future. There is no first page in me, let alone a first novel. Give it up."

That was exactly ten years before I actually wrote that first novel. By then, I had gotten out of debt and bought my new house. I even owned more than two suitcases ;-). I guess I wasn't born to be a starving artist. In those days, I used to say, "How did Mozart do it?" Today, my recurring phrase seems to be, "How does Nora do it?" ;-/

By the time I was writing that oh-so-easy first book, I had forgotten those bleak words I wrote in that journal ten years ago. It was, after all, another ten journals later. I'd probably scratched a few more lists in each of the succeeding year books of "I want to..."s.

Oh, I'm sure I wrote on and off before 1997 but I didn't take my writing as seriously. There was...roofing...and roofing had been very good to me. I put so much into it because I was getting the other things I wanted, right after that journal that was titled TO SIMPLICITY AND ORDER.

Yet, it's good to be able to say "Look at you now, Angsty Jenny of the 80s. You did write that book. You just weren't ready at that time, kid." Sometimes it's just that--it wasn't time.

The universe wants you to sit back and let it come to you. You write your list and create the order in your life to accomplish this. By order, it could be any surroundings that would make you grow as a person. I chose simplicity. And perhaps, I made myself too deaf because I did ignore the call of the muse a lot longer than necessary. What surroundings would you choose to put that "order" in your life that would be the best for your goal?

By the way--that first book? It's also cringe, shudder, and barf material. May those editors who had read the first chapter never remember the person who submitted that awful thing about medieval SEALs, I mean, knights....

Bear with me while I learn. The first button likes the POST. The second button likes the BLOG site. Please help me by "liking" me. Thanks!