I Snoop Therefore I'm UberSpy

NINE DAYS TO THE HUNTER OUT IN STORES!!!

The tools of the trade for a roofer are easy to get. Give me a hammer and some nails and I can boogie on a roof. Oh wait. These days, it's give me a nailgun. And therein lies the problem.

I have been a roofer for over a decade. Many younger men have come and gone, telling me that they were roofers, when in fact, they were nothing but glorified nailgun shooters. And I say that kindly. It is frustrating to watch a young man boasts about his speed when he can't tell that he's doing everything wrong, as he supersonically shoots the nails in the wrong part of the shingle and keeps laying as his line goes down or uphill.

It makes you feel old. Especially when you start saying, "They just don't make men the way they do anymore." ;-P These days, the carpenters are crapenters; they can't build a house that is in square. Everything is off because no one knows how to read 5/8th of an inch, so they round things up. The trusses are put on backwards because no one READS. And if there is a mistake, just cover it up. Or ignore it. Someone after you will fix it.

And that's usually the roofer because he/she is the last person on that roof. Never mind that the dormer is out of whack. The roofer will think of a way to make it look good to the eye. And that's the goal these days too--make it look good. I know the house is f*ked up but hey, it looks so good when it's done, with its coat of new paint and its beautiful new sod. Most homeowners just see that and don't know any better, but I know. I've seen the best carpenters retire in my time and I mourn their passing. I'm left with crapenters.

Ranger Buddy call them monkeys ;-). The smartest chimp in the world can understand and communicate 500 words. Whoopie. He has a few guys who point at a nailgun and say, "I'm a roofer." Whoopie. Give them a hurricane with no gas around town for a gas compressor and now we'll see who the real roofers are.

I was trained in the old school, in the cavemen days, when compressors and nailguns were rarities. Yes, people make fun of others when they speak of the old days but I can put on a roof with just a hammer and a bucket of nails. I can flip the nails quickly and efficiently and thump them down with a quick one-two. There were nailing contests back then to see who could do that the fastest. A beginning apprentice had to learn this; you couldn't escape the repetitive pain of swinging that hammer for six or seven hours a day. The tips of your left fingers were always raw from flipping nails and pulling fiberglass shingles.

So things are easier now...that's very nice, but are roofers faster and better? I used to lay 15-20 squares of shingles with just my hammer and nails on a good day. Today, with the handy nailgun, I lay about the same. I might even be a bit slower since I'm an older kid in the block now. But I can't say I'm faster. Perhaps those who laid 8-10 are now doing 12-16, and that's good because they make more money but their knowledge has deteriorated so much, it makes me cynical about the future.

And what has that to do with spies and writing? Same deal. Some writers polish their first three chapters over and over and call themselves writers. Others don't even care--they pound out something they call a manuscript and expect the world to acknowledge them as writers. Some don't even claim to read in the genre they're "writing" in because hey, it's all about talent, right? And there are, of course, those who just want to write romance for the money when they haven't ever touched a romance book before.

I have seen them come and go too, especially the one who just wants to write for the money. I have seen them buy, oh, ten books, to read, just to get a feel for it, and then make a quick analysis of the "formula" and jump into the business of writing. And some of them could even write. Just not romance.

I had a friend who did just that and I didn't stop her when she kept asking me who was the "fastest selling author she should read" for research. Fine, let someone make some royalties, I thought. She spent two months writing her "romance," which morphed from being a suspense to general women's fiction to erotica. I could never tell since she never could make up her mind. And she never liked any of the authors I recommended either, and never ventured to read others. I guess she really didn't like reading romance, and no, she never did finish that novel either. Her final words on this experiment? "Oh, those books are just too flighty for me and my writing style doesn't suit them." Uh-huh. There are some things I don't say to keep a friendship ;-).

There are hundreds of people in Florida now from other parts of the US claiming to be roofers ;-/ because there is SO MUCH WORK from the damage last year's hurricanes brought. Of course, we have a lot of formidable codes that other states don't have--six-nailing, for example. But hey, that's easy with a nailgun. You just shoot six times per shingle. What is so tough about that?

"Hey, it's just a love story with sex scenes. What is so tough about that?" "Romantic suspense is hot right now; I think I'll write one." Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

There is a lot of sweating and bloodletting in both my jobs, albeit the writing is more mental pain than real sweat and tears. In my city, I have put on, roughly, 1500-2000 roofs. RB has thousands more in his thirty odd years. And I'm still discovering new things (not new products, or new nailguns, or new methods) but new problems that need to be solved. It has nothing to do with six nailing or going as quickly as you can.

I can only hope to be just as productive in my writing (okay, the 2000 number is not the ultimate goal, okay?!) and I fervently pray that the imagination stays strong after a bunch of books and that I'll still be learning something new about the craft. It's just like being a spy--ennui will kill ya. I know many readers already have a crossed-out list of favorite authors on whom they've given up.

One thing is good, though...I can roof when I need to and write when I want to. Life can't be any better. Oh wait...give me a handsome and smart man and chocolate too. I'm not that deep ;-).

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