Super Bowl Spying

Superbowl spying is fun. It's all the secret things an uberspy would see while normal people think a game is actually on.

Meaning...this is just a continuous musing as the night goes by and the TV stays on while I try to write....And as I don't do football, don't expect any real commentary about the game itself, 'kay? Also, I'll BE WRITING, so something might pop out that has nothing to do with football and commercials.

6.15pm
Excuse me, but is that the lamest rendition of the national anthem, or what? I could barely make out what the first guy was singing and Aretha must be nursing a sore throat. And I think the piano guy was playing with his toes. Pling-pling-pling. Maybe it's because it's 35 degrees outside. My voice would probably sound like that too if I had to sing without a coat.

WRITING commentary
I had to decide whether Hell could kill in cold blood today. I spent too much time mulling about it.

6.30pm
The first commercials. The first one was by Budweiser, of course. People fighting each other. Meh. The second one was a cheesy Burger King commercial ;-). I didn't get it till the end, when the ladies all jumped on the bun and became a hamburger. Okay, that was kinda funny. That lady with the hamburger spread her legs. Geddit? Pfffffft. Have it your way indeedy.

Football commentary.
Hey, it's still early, so my attention span is still spanning. I know there's a player with funky hairdo that trails after him as he runs. He has a funky name too. And everybody is afraid of him cos he jumps on them a lot. What color uniform is he in?

6.40pm
Ugh, is THAT Bruce Willis with bad hair? And a horrid mustache? So not going to see that movie. Sorry, Bruce. Stay bald.

Oh, oh, GREAT FEDEX commercial! Loved the prehistoric man kicking baby dinasaur out of the way and getting stomped on by momma dinasaur.

Football commentary
It's now second down something, who knows? And in between boring plays they have these heads of players popping up introducing themselves. You know what? Football players' faces are the same width as their necks. Scary.

I still haven't spotten wild-haired man yet. Maybe he's not in the game yet. Blue people are happy cos they got the ball and their guy actually managed to run...oh...five steps or so.

6.50pm
Man, this game is slow. Is that BOBBY BROWN in a Diet Pepsi commercial?! Since when did he become a hot marketing tool? I must be behind again.

Football commentary
Oh, oh, I see the wild-haired dude! He's yellow. Oh, the blue men group just got a touchdown. Oh wait, something went wrong and it was waved off. What's a little PUSHING when you're jumping on top of each other, for gad's sakes?! Oh well. I'm for the yellow, right? So that's good. Wave it off, I say!

Oh, I just heard: "perfect indoor condition." Strike earlier remarks about singing in the cold. The singers had NO EXCUSE.

7pm
HAHAHA, the first Budlight commercial I like--the one with the husbands climbing on the roofs, of course! Fixing a leak in the roof...snort.

WRITING commentary
Another problem writing this action scene. Does having the serum in her make her any different as a kick-ass heroine? And would that affect her decision whether to kill in cold blood?

BACK to football
I see the blue men group scored 3 already. Must have missed that while I was counting my toes. Okay, what happened there? Did that blue guy run backwards toward his own endzone? You know, this game would make more sense if the men were all naked. At least then I'd know why they keep going after the guy with the biggest ball. Tackling would be so much fun to watch!

Oh, so you can push a guy out of the field but you can't push a guy in the endzone? Strange.

Oh no, my yellow bees lost their ball to a blue dude. I never pick the winning team. Wow, that blue guy's shoulders are so wide it fit his entire last name: Rothlisberger in capital letters. I bet it's a pain to massage his back.

7.25pm

The commercials are not doing it for me this year, how about you? The new car (can't even remember name now) with supermodels rising out of water? What, Venuses rising? The newest fashion statement? What? Shaq watching Desperate Housewives? AND making a free throw? A fantasy, right? Nothing with bite yet, nothing with a good line.

It's ROTHLISBERGER

say it fast three times. Then massage massive back, Mr. TV commentator.

Football commentary

That referee is a retired fireman. So what? I guess the commentator is as bored as I am because the yellow guys can't keep the ball in their hands! Where's the wild-haired dude? Did I jinx him? He was like a monster when I watched him demolish Denver. Oh wow, give Rothlisperberger time to grow his name and he could actually throw the ball beautifully. Yay for yellow jerseys.

Oh wow, Rothslisperoberger scored a touch-down! Nah, he wasn't across the line. That's not counted right? They're saying it's a tough call. He moved the ball over the line after he went down. Oh well, doesn't matter. It's YELLOW. So good ex-fireman-now-turn-super-referee makes the right call.

7.40pm

Check it out, Overstock.com only sells RED stuff. Yawn. Overstock your house, go on.

Oh, I gedddddddit now. BROWN and BUBBLY, describing the beer. Eww. Brown makes me think of piss. Ewww. I guess they couldn't find a famous person named GOLD.

FOOTBALL commentary

The first half just ended and I don't know what happened. Just that the blue guys "overthought." What, were they trying to write a spy romance too? So I guess it's time to go check the steaks or something, right? Or call for pizza. Or wait for an exposed boob. Comeon, you're trailing by four points bluemanchoo, you have another THREE hours to play, right? Right????

Ummm, why is the very dead Robert Palmer singing about being addicted to LOST? He's dead. Or presumed dead, like the cast of LOST.

HALFTIME SHOW

Do you know that Rolling Stones tickets for Tampa (the first sixteen rows) are going for almost $1000 each? Just wanted you to know.

Damn, you can forget about seeing any exposed boobs this year. I always wonder--those flashing cameras from the nosebleed seats??? Do their pictures even show anything other than what looks like a bunch of ants on what looks like a stage?

I bet if you put Mick and Keith side by side, they still wouldn't be as wide as Rotherlisperobergen's massive shoulders.

I would like to see Mick in Dancing With The Stars. I bet he could do a mean salsa. I can so see him licking his female partner with his tongue while they tango.

You know, I've been to a Rolling Stone concert before. Years ago, during their first retirement-ahem-goodbye tour. In Turin, Italy. Five American dollars. No joke. And they sang the same songs. And I got to lie around with nekkid Italian young men. It was very HOT that year in Europe! They sprayed all of us with hoses, it was so hot. I fainted anyway...into the arms of this gorgeous Italian man. His last name was Gagliano. Ah well...memories....

SECOND HALF (and glancing back up from writing my scene)

Watching Mick must have made my Yellow Boys very competitive. Walker came out and ran many many yards (74?) for a touchdown. Even my poms are excited now.

Did I hear six foot seven? Holy cow. Are these guys vampires? I mean, all vampires these days are at least six foot four and taller. i don't see any football jerseys named Phyry and Wrath. Oh wait...Wrathlisperobergen!

8.40pm

Oh my God! Fabio ad for Nationwide wins hands down! It was a fake shampoo commercial with Fabio tossing that mane around. He was on a gondola with a lovely maid. They went under the bridge, the music rose to a climax, the girl turned to smile mesmerically and there was a wrinkled old man stood there smacking his fingers. Very good, Nationwide! And kudos to Fabio for actually having a sense of humor

Okay, second half commercials are definitely better. The Hummer Little Monster is cute..

FOOTBALL COMMENTARY

Hmm...man-to-man on the outside...doesn't that sound so Brokeback Mountain? "Here comes a big...BIG...play," says the commentator. Heh. Again, it would have been better if they were nekkid.

HEY! Blue Man Group just stole the ball! It's called an INTERCEPTION, Jenn. And why is it called a Down when no one is down? And why is it called a Touchdown when it's actually about catching? Nonetheless, it's time for the yellow men to start pushing and jumping on top of the blue men more, dammit.

9.05

I glanced up because I heard two helmets clashing. What happened? How come Blueguys didn't score after running away with that interception? You know, I have a huge widescreen TV, HDTV, sensurround sound, the envy of the neighborhood. This game is going to waste on me, isn't it? ;-)

Check out the butt on blue guy quarterback--that's what you call the guy, right? Quarterback. His name is long too. Hasslebeckum. The commentator keeps talking about bootlegs. I don't see any boots on their legs. anyway, check out the boot of Hasslebeckum.

I'm winding down...yawwwwn. And they have another quarter to go. Excuse me while I munch on a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies. Brussels are the best.

Okay, what's the difference betwen a tackle, a sack, a bootleg, and a smash-your-face-to-the-ground? They keep showing Hasselbeckumus a lot in this half. His shoulders must be growing.

9.40pm

Cool, the McGiver commercial was a cute blast from the past. I always liked that show. He was my inspiration during the three hurricanes while I tried to finish my novel, you know. I had no electricity and my book was due. So I dragged an extension cord from my laptop to my truck for power. Had to open my garage a foot or two so I can turn on the truck to rejuice the battery every seven hours. Call me McGiverLow!

Call him Hasselbeckumistake. He just let the ball out of his hands. Okay, they are asking us to vote for Superbowl MVP. I only know two names. Roethlistoperobergerno and Hasselibeckumistake. Is it safe to say my yellow dudes are going to be champs? Or is there another hour left to this game? My furbabee, Magic, is snoring, by the way. Tell me, are the players with headphones all listening to their Nanos? Even my fish in the tank are yawning now.

Okay, I see my boys are celebrating a bit now. Confident bastards. ;-) Now we get the obligatory close-ups of sad blue men. All of them are jealous of Roethethlithberthgerth's massive shoulders. Roesthethlithberthgerth the Pittsburger. Fittthing.

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Sheesh, an uber writer can't even procrastinate in peace here. AWRIGHT DEE, Hell can't kill in cold-blood. Satisfied? ;-) Now back to not watching the Super Bowl....

They just announced 60 seconds to go. The Blue Man Group has no hope of catching up. Hasselbeckumistyeyed just missed his man because he's crying. Incomplete and fourth down...it sounds very bad, like a romance hero who didn't quite succeed in seducing his heroine. Poor thing. And I guess staying inbounds is bad because for some reason that means the clock continues to run. Who knows why? But it's good! It ended exactly at 10pm. Like it's been fixed. Hmmmm.

I must have missed the big Gatorade Coach Bath while I was in the kitchen looking for more cookies. You know, I just realize I rooted for the winning team! Wow, that's a first. Yellow Kids win! And check out those massive growing shoulders of Roethlithbergermeister one last time. And no, no post-game show for me. After all, I think I did a pretty good job giving an analysis, didn't I? Some guy with a long name threw a lot, there was an interception that went nowhere, then some bootlegging going on, and a push that takes away a touchdown, and wild-haired man wasn't to be seen anywhere much, and a big dinasaur stomped on the bluemangroup defense with one giant foot, then one other interception and one long run from one end to the other, and in the end blue men group was "thinking too much" and wasted lots of chances. Yes, hire me, ABC! I'll be uber-commentator.

My ending mood:

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