Uber Spies Must Draw Blood

I have a new chore and it's not a pleasant one. I'm attempting to monitor my dog's blood sugar level. As you know, Magic's glucose level isn't stable and her daily dosage of insulin has been a problem for me because I don't know whether she needed it or not. In this past year since she went diabetic, she'd had several bouts of hypoglycemia and hyPERglycemia.

So I went and bought this little glucometer from Walgreen that seeps in the droplet of blood and then handily gives a reading after a beep. Sounds easy, right?

So not.

First, I don't know how to get blood from a dog's vein. Yes, yes, uber-spies could do this ;-) but we're talking about helpless uber-roofer with dog, okay?

Second, you get a small tiny caplet with a tiny sharp needle. Humans would just prick their fingers. But dogs don't have any and their paws, believe it or not, don't bleed that easily. So the vet showed me how to do it...by pricking the inside of the lips.

Have you ever tried to pull back the lip of a dog (while she's licking you) and then lance her upper lip? Let me tell you, she does not like it, and she made it quite clear to me with these little sounds coming out of her throat.

To make things worse, you have to be brave when you do this. A tiny little oooohmylovelysweetieawwwwwprick IS NOT GOING to produce any drop of blood. Just a red bruise. And now you have to do it again.

Okay, so I become mean old mom and make stern noises to get the dog to sit still while I poke her with a needle. She's not hurting, but you know how a needle feels when you prick yourself. Ugh.

To compound the difficulty, I have to push this strip into the bottom of the glucometer, wait for it to check that it's the correct coded strip and that it's good, AND then, I'm given only THREE freaking minutes to hold on to the furry thing, curl up her lip, make comforting noises, poke her with the needle, squeeze the blood, and then quickly pick the meter up to GENTLY scoop the droplet into the ends.

Three minutes can make soft-boiled eggs. Three minutes can get you a cup of hot coffee from the microwave. Three minutes can even defrost a small piece of meat.

But that isn't enough to get blood with a little tiny prickly needle. I got some blood, looked down, and the freaking machine is OFF already! And no, it can't be restarted. I have to pull the strip out and reinsert. One wasted precious drop of blood.

Then even if I get the drop, if somehow it didn't seep in enough, or merely because my luck is out, or because my hand trembled, or Magic licked it--whatever, who knows--the glucometer reads ERROR. Can you hear my screaming? I got the blood and you're showing ERROR????! You *&#I$(&^%!

Not good. Dogs barking. Magic butting me like a billy goat. Have. To. Take. Deep. Breath.

So I tried again. And again. Seven strips later (and need I add that these strips cost a fortune? I'm going to have to sell another book the rate I'm using them), I got one GOOD reading. Sigh. But it was worth it. It told me that Magic's glucose level was low and that meant no insulin or it would be bad.

This morning, I did it after three strips! I used a small icecube on the lip to lessen the pain. The reading--high--and so I gave Magic her insulin. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'm doing this right. After all, I'm not UBERVET.

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