Uber Penis Description, or Should Penises Look Human?

Ha, how should I label THIS subject, New Blogger? :-P

I need your honest opinion about some really deep thoughts about certain elements in our romance genre. Our genre has really, really grown, expanding into sci-fi, fantasy, and horror territory, with intricate worldbuilding that has grown from what I fondly call the "medieval alien from some other dimension here to kidnap and breed with his mate" to really layered heroes, from were-animals to demons, who really display that side of their nature and never stray away from the fact that they aren't human. That is to say, their appetites--physical and sexual--are reflective of what they are. The werewolf would do it in a certain way; the demon another; the vampire yet another.

The question is about the, ahem, hoohoos of our Non-Human Alpha Hero (NHAH).

In the days of "medieval alien," he was always pretty much Fabio in disguise with just violet contact lenses. LOL. Okay, I'm not going to cite any examples or incite any fans into bashing me. I'm truly not bashing because I love paranormals and fantasy romance and read them the most compared to other lines.

Today's NHAH, though, is written in a more "realistic" way. LKH's Jean Claude, the sexy vampire, is really depicted as a corpse when he sleeps. When the heroine, Anita Blake, touches him, she talks about how cold he feels. Of course, blood heats him up, but that only emphasizes his non-humanness.

After all, a walking dead hoohoo would look like a human hoohoo, so for those of us who can suspend their disbelief and not get grossed out about our heroine sexing it up with a walking corpse, we can accept their coupling. But then there's the were-animal NHAH. In most romances, the authors have the sex done in human form, so I, the reader, am still in a happy place enjoying the story.

My good friend, the wonderfully talented (and beautiful and sweet and yes, I hate her) Marjorie Liu, pushed the envelope in Tiger's Eye, her first published novel, when she had Hari in half-animal form while he was in bed with the heroine. It was very nicely done and I had no problem with it, but I remember that scene became a conversation piece in one of the forums I hang out in because everyone wanted to know whether Hari's hoohoo was in were-tiger form or not. I mean, have you ever seen a cat's hoohoo when they are, ahem, excited? A Big Cat's Hoohoo has got to hurt, yo (Yes, Marjorie, I have demented friends but we all LURV AND ADORE YOU).

Then lately, I've read a few reviews that brought up even more details describing the hoohoo of the NHAH. For instance, a barbed penis. I read this while drinking coffee. Never read about a barbed penis engaging in human encounters while drinking coffee. I think I still have some caffeine stuck behind my eyeballs.

A barbed penis? With a human heroine? Ow, ladies, ow.

Are we stepping into TMI territory? Obviously, we're reading about the supernatural here, so we have to accept some out-of-the-ordinary details, but must we go that way in love scenes? Will a hero's barbed penis engaging in romantic human love stop your reading pleasure for...oh a few minutes? Or are you able to continue without a flicker of your worldly eyelid?

I'm not being judgemental here. I'm just wondering how old-fashion I am. I'm having painful moments writing about seduction in a virtual reality environment where the sex is all in the mind because I know some readers are going to object to the way I'm doing it (yes, I know, the writer is supposed to write the story and not worry about her readers but nonetheless, outside the box is outside the box and I'm aware of how far out of it I can push certain readers before they refuse to budge. Especially in a romantic suspense).

I laugh at the thought of a naughty scene with a barbed penis, but I can't help but wonder what the next bold description of the hoohoo of a NHAH would read like. Green, with stripes? Scaley (Hey, you laugh, but there's already a female demon making love in scaled form--talons, forked tongue, red eyes and all--and the hero loving it)? Double-jointed? Wait, wait, double hoohoos, one higher one lower? One with bunny ears, ala the Rabbitator?

Can you come up with some good description for a NHAH's hoohoo? ;-) Your imagination must be better than mine if a barbed penis didn't even faze you.

Read about any good penises lately?

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Uber Winter Brrrrr

Well, Old Blogger has forced his hand and given me no choice than to update and move my blog to New Google Blogger. I've resisted as long as I can because uber spies are like that. Google is the big Poly waiting to take over the Internet, you know ;-).

Anyway, I'm crossing my fingers that the "move" went well and nothing in the blog has been changed or is lost, like they'd promised. Actually, I suspect they've hidden the mark of the beast in the template. I'm doomed, I tell ya, doomed.

And this new option of labeling. I know lots of people love this feature but I hate it. Why? Because now I have to think. What am I writing about? Does it serve any purpose? If not, should I label it "nonsensical nonsense?" And must my life notes fall into neat categories? Would His Jedness approve? I think not. You see? You can't give a Philosophy major any option to label her life. It drives them crazy.

The last two nights had been the coldest in Central Florida for a few seasons--freezing weather, even a hard freeze further north of C. F. As you know, my airconditioner-heater went kaboom and so I don't have heat. Now you know why I keep so many mutant poms--live electric blanket ;-). The B. B. (beloved bodyheater, as I call him) isn't in town, frozen to death under five foot of snow at his end, and it serves him right because he should be here KEEPING ME WARM. Why wouldn't he listen to me? It's not as if he needs to mow the lawn or fix the sprinklers or tighten his plumbing. I should label this entry Male Obstinacy.

Boy, don't I sound grouchy when I'm cold. ;-) Now you know why I live in Fl. My hands and feet feel like they belong to a vampire and on the roof, my nose is always wet and my neck is scrunched up because it's windy up there and it's wet, yucky, freezing, miserable wind all day long. Can't you tell I'm so looking forward to my day outside? ;-P Not.

I remember my first winter alone a looooong time ago in another galazy far, far away. I arrived at college in mid-semester so I didn't really have any friends or a place to stay. They put me up as a "guest" in some abandoned building (it's not exactly abandoned, but no one stayed there at night, as far as I could tell) and they didn't turn on the heat at night! I was seventeen and thought I was ready to die when my breath started frosting up in clouds of steam at night in my own room.

I learned about the electric blanket and went off to buy one the VERY NEXT DAY. Ahhh. Heat for the night. However, no one told me that I needed a barrier sheet between the itchy wooly electric blanket and my 17 year-old sensitive skin! I remember thinking that these Americans must be a very very miserable bunch of people to have to sleep like this all winter. LOL.

I finally found the answer to my wintry misery by getting my first B. B. Yes, peeps, I lost my virginity because it was freaking MINUS 60 degrees that winter. Ya see? Cold weather corrupts.

I didn't bring that electric blanket with me when I came to Florida. Like most snowbirds, I didn't know that it does get down to the 20s and 30s here now and then. But I found the greatness of Mutant Pomeranians ;-), my live blanket. Ahhhhh. Nothing like sleeping with a pile of hot puppies. What, you think Anita Blake was the only female to come up with that idea? Ha.

I'll adapt to New And Similar Blogger, just as I did with the electric blanket--uncomfortable at first, but with a few adjustments, it'll keep me warm until the B. B. comes back to where he belongs. Of course, then I have to deal with blanket warfare. But that's for another label.

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Uber Schedule

These are the special events I've committed to in the coming months, so if you live nearby, please do mark a bix X on your calendar and come by and say hi!

(Edited to add: I'LL BE GOING TO NEW YORK CITY BEFORE MARCH SOMETIME. Details after darn book is done, 'kay?)

1) ROMANTIC TIMES CONVENTION
APRIL 25-29

Houston Hyatt Regency Downtown
1200 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas 77002
USA
800 989 8816 x 12

Booksigning event (open to public): Sat., Ap. 28, 10.30 am to 2 pm (Wow, poor authors are going to be starving to death, heh)

More details at: ROMANTIC TIMES CON SCHEDULE

2) Booksigning at

Booksmart Books
6220 Stanford Ranch Road #100
Rocklin, CA 95765
916-782-2988
http://www.booksmartbooks.com/
email: booksmartbooks@yahoo.com

MAY 5, 2006 (time to be announced later)

3) ROMANCING THE ROCKIES
COLORADO ROMANCE WRITERS CON

The Renaissance Denver Hotel
May 11-12 2007
3891 Quebec St.,
Denver, Colorado 80207
Phone: 1-303-800-1314
Fax: 1-303-321-1966
http://denverrenaissance.reachlocal.net/

More details: CRW Conference details
or CONFERENCE REGISTRATION

4) RWA Nationals
Romance Writers of America ®
27th Annual National Conference
Dallas, Texas July 11-14, 2007

Details coming later. There's a public book signing with HUNDREDS of authors.

5) LRWA
Low Country RWA (how can I say no to an RWA with my last name?!)
Speaker
Sept 22, 2007

Details coming later.

I think there's going to be an OHIO/KENTUCKY trip in there somewhere, as well as one to Tennessee (ahem, Dee). I'd like to do a few booksignings instead of just one on those trips, so if you're a bookseller in the vicinity and are interested, please email me, 'kay? I'd love to meet with you.

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Ramblings

Horrors! I just realized that I'd probably not be able to give you my annual play-by-play relay of this year's Super Bowl =8-O. I'll be in DC with my mom and chances are, we'll be eating dinner. Imagine that. Me eating dinner and chatting with real folks. What are y'all going to do without my very knowledgeable colorful commentary?!

My brother-in-law loves football, though, so maybe he'll be watching this one. Then I have an excuse to come online and blog. Will I be able to pronounce this year's players' names? I will, of course, pick the winning team by what color they're wearing and how good they look in it. Extreme butt shots might give the team more points. Hey, it's not shallow! I mean, they're wearing helmets. I can't see what their faces look like, and they have these massive fake 1980s powerful female executive shoulder pads, so it's just butts and legs to judge, 'kay? I'm not shallow like that.

I wonder whether my mom would object her daughter's penchant for wine while watching and writing about the Super Bowl....

To the gentleman who emailed me last year informing me that football is a BEER-CHUGGING, not wine-sipping, event, I'd have you know that beer doesn't go well with chocolate truffles. Stupid man.

On the appliance war front, my airconditioner-heater broke. On one of the coldest nights of the year too. So now that makes three -- sprinkler, sink/disposal, and airconditioner (which I'm hoping is just about a part and not a whole replacement...I can't afford a $5000 expense!) So, yeah, I think I'm majorly losing this war. Wahhhhh.

On the writing front, I've been concentrating on a whole chapter of virtual reality seduction. I didn't want to go there but HE made me do it. It's essential to the story because according to HIM, seduction and bonding set off both chemical and brainwave reaction, integration, and synchronization. HAHAHAHAHA. Like I can't tell a horny guy is a horny guy is a horny guy, right?

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So Mean

I'll probably be flying off to DC soon to see my mommie. Hope it's not too cold when I get there! Me no like cooooold weather.

Rosemary from Rosemary's Romance Books in Australia, a wonderful bookseller and friend, sent me a beautiful calendar of Brisbane aerial photos. So I showed it to Ranger Buddy and he looked through it, a frown on his face. He gave it back to me after a few minutes.

I was, like, this is Brisbane, Australia, man, what, you can't appreciate foreign cities?

"What don't you like about it?" I asked.

"Where are all the naked men?" he asked.

Argh. Got nailed by the master again.

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At Least It's Not A Dead Whale In The Backyard

Mood today:



Just so you know, the under-the-sink problem is now a mini disaster with warped cabinetry and fear of mold. Just so you know.

For those who don't give a damn about my water woes, here are this year's OSCAR NOMINATIONS, with some controversial leftouts (hint: Dream Girls) in the Best Movie category. They threw in our Chinese movie with Chow Yun Fatt and Li Gong in some costume category to make me happy. I mean, yeah, nice boob, I mean pretty shiny threads, shots, yo. Marky Mark (I bet he hates to be called that these days, hehe) got a shoutout. And I'm so going for Forrest Whitaker as Best Actor. Eastwood vs Scorsese, hmm. Eastwood already has two Oscars in his closet, Scorsese zero. I'm betting it's Jennifer Hudson's year, what do you say?

Oh, like you're interested! ;-) We are the shallow people--we only want to know what their gowns look like on Oscar night, right? So, do you girls want me to do my usual Oscar Night Run Down on the blog, if I'm in town and watching? Or is it going to bore you to tears (drink a few glasses of wine because that helps to see things from my perspective, ha)?

Did I mention about the gunky problem under my sink with warped cabinetry? No? Oh well, just another early morning distraction, that's all. Next headache--air conditioner.

Of course, those problems are nothing compared to the millionaires living by the beach. I mean, imagine. You look out to enjoy the sunrise and smell the surf and you see a 30-foot whale carcass. It's been a week. Think about the smell. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Million dollar scent.

I have no idea how they move a whale or bury it. I saw a TV news video when a they had a similar problem in the 70s. The city decided to dynamite this carcass so they could then use a front loader to move the humongous pieces. So the TV crew decided to tape the whole thing live. Everyone in town drove to the beach to watch a dead whale being blown up. So it was like a fish party.

The video showed the dynamite experts setting the explosives up. Then everyone stood at a safe distance and KABOOM!

Umm. The whale blew up, as planned, but it seemed that the experts forgot that blown pieces fly through the air. Chunks and chunks of fish fell on the people, and these weren't small chunks either. Windshields were destroyed. People were SCREAMING and running for their lives.

The clean-up crew had a lot of fish pieces to pick up.

Which is my roundabout way of telling you about my under-the-sink once-mini disaster.

**sniff**

So give the Oscar to ME, dammit. And send a cleaner with him too.

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Dead Appliances Working (For Now)

Mood today:



Sigh.

Sympathy please. I hope this year doesn't have the theme of January. January feels like the dreaded synchronized major appliance breakage syndrome (SABS). Every major appliance in the house is making loud noises and speaking its own language. No translation necessary:

Refrigerator: "Yo, Jenn. Listen to my belly growling louder and louder, man. You better check out that compressor."

Air conditioner: "Um, Jenn, love. There's a reason why the house vibrates when I come on."

Dryer: "Look ma, no timer! I'll just dry these clothes till they become balls of lint. No need to fold, ma!"

The garbage disposal made a horrible clunking gurgly noise late last night. I woke up in a panic because someone told me there were some recent robberies. I crept out of my room. Whatever it was, it was LOUD. At first, I thought the guestroom toilet broke, so I checked. Nope, it came from the kitchen. Under the sink.

When I looked under there, yeah, the sounds came from there, but NO ONE WAS USING THE SINK. It sounded like churning water but there was no water running! This went on for a minute more and then it stopped.

Of course, mystified, I turned on the water. The sink side was fine. Then, I used the garbage disposal (with water). Water shot out. Okay. Found the problem. But why was it making noises in the middle of the night? Were the spirits of rotten sexy veges laughing at me?

This morning, the plumber took a look at it and was equally perplexed because there was a tiny little hole on the disposal. He'd never seen it happen quite the way I described, especially the middle of the night clunking. Usually, a hole is caused by some kind of wreckage from the inside when the machine is ON. But it was 2.30 am and I was asleep. Hmmm. I swear I didn't use my .38. ;-P

So, anyway, he will buy a new disposal and change it in the morning. Yeah, might I add for $280, parts and labor. Nice way to start the day, huh? I'm half tempted to just let it go since I hardly use the disposal. I mean, how hard is it to just put my finger over the hole if I turn it on? I'll just pretend to be the little Dutch Boy saving the dyke.

I'm convinced that the loud noise is the Spirit of Dead Major Appliances calling to me. There's no other explanation. They are giving me a warning. Premonition. Nikki Harden would agree with me:

1) When we talk louder than the story you're writing, LISTEN TO US! It's not your hearing getting better with age, like you think.
2) Your "chuuung" not balanced, my child, so better check the bank balance. You gonna be writing something other than spy vs spy.
3) It's time for your heart to listen to your head and...go appliance shopping. *whimper*
4) If you not listen, angry appliance ghosts don't get fed, get angrier, and you pay more. Hungry ghosts must be fed!

Well, how else would you explain a sudden $300 bean-size hole appearing in the middle of a non-working garbage disposal at night?

Ten year-old appliances. I have to face this fear alone. No comforting wind chimes. Sigh. This roofer is going to have to put on some roofs to pay some hungry appliance ghosts.

***********

Thanks for listening to me rant. Your reward is THE EVIL EX-BOYFRIEND PLOT courtesy of Vanessa Jaye. Man, this dude is total garbage but his revenge cracked me up. I'm sick, I know. Blame it on Vanessa Jaye! ;-)

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Sunday Browsing

Hey SQ, Asian Sistahs, and Chow Yun Fatt lovers,

Here's a chance to see some flying ribbons, killing flying hair, finger-poking paralysis, incest, half-naked Chinese concubines, gravity-defying kicks, poisonous flying needles, bitchy Gong Li and debonair Chow. I lurv me some Chinese epics, sigh.




Of course, it being a Chinese opera, don't expect a happy ending. They always all die in the end, in one bloody evocative mess.

I saw a short piece of Mr. Chow Yun Fatt in 1994's Full Contact. It was a crazy tale of revenge, but it took place among the Triads in Bangkok and Cambodia. With gunrunners and backstabbing among the brothahs. Sound familiar? I was riveted at all the little bits of Armando Chang facets in the story. Too bloody to really enjoy but definitely the shades of Armando held my attention. And oh, Chow Yun Fatt in work-out mode, bare-armed and tats. That too ;-).


WARNING: very violent movie trailer




Armando against the Triads, yay! Joking aside, this is about as much senseless violence I can take from a movie, ugh. No wonder Tarantino loved them!

While trying to finish my scene, I've been channel surfing. There are some really weird shows going on. Do you know there is a American Idol type thing, except it's looking for a WHITE rapper? It's on VH1, a channel I seldom turn on. It's like watching an anti-Idol version group of people, LOL. And of course, they rap each week. After watching two episodes, I feel like they're a really ugly version of JR Ward's characters, LOL. They call each other brothahs. And I even caught a "trudat" being thrown here and there. And da names, da names! Come on, they are true JR Ward creations: Misfit! Dasit! 100 Proof! G Child! Jus Rhyme! Sullee!
These are great names for the next group of Black Dagger Brothahs, folks! Teehee.

Then I had the biggest laugh of all when I found this book for sale at Amazon.com:
THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ANAL SEX FOR WOMEN, 2nd edition. It's ranked in the 15,000, folks, a hot commodity ;-). You have to read the first few reviews, when you get the chance, especially the one that started out with this wonderful confidence: "After elevating my oral skills considerably (over several months) - and finally achieving some level of proficiency with deep-throating (to the point that I can now accept my husband fully - while positioned either face-up or face-down) - I was ready to move on to something more adventurous! " Whoa. LOL. Or the one that ended with: "Let's be honest here: dildos and strap-ons can be for straight men too."

***snortkf*** I will never complain about the Amazon reviews romance readers write again! Heehee.

Okay, last piece of Sunday funny. Here's the first skill you must learn as a FBI operative. If you want to try this at home, remember you need that special cap:



Happy Sunday!

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Uber Kilter

Mood today:



You now know why I feel like such a failure. That picture describes my love scene writing from the last two days. Sexy he is not. Sigh.

There is nothing like writing pain, especially when your Muse whips you mentally for being such a lousy conduit. When I'm not "happy" like this, I do several things besides going to work.

1) I garden. This is my latest project:



I bought one of those pots with multiple holes in the side and played around with herbs and pretty flowers for about an hour. It was very therapeutic but it didn't work.

2) I dance
Especially if it's in the morning and I'm too sleepy to think about gardening. I turn on the radio and just let loose for ten minutes. That helps me to focus on me and me alone because I like music and dancing. After that, I go back to the computer and let Muse take over.

3) I google
Because it's the thing to do ;-P. So much information out there, so little time. Sometimes going to other authors' sites frighten me enough to go back to writing because their reports on their progress put me to shame, LOL. Sometimes, I find the most interesting subjects that are kind of related to what I'm trying to do in this stucked scene. There are people out there who are out of this world. Literally. LOL.

Writing sexy scenes usually isn't hard for me. It's all in the focus of the characters and why they are together that moment. Most of my scenes are clashes of wills at first because one wants something from the other, be it information or commitment. But everything in my writing experience has always been in "reality;" the seduced and the seducee are in one room.

In my new series, I've gone and put virtual reality between my two protagonists. So goddamn smart, Gennita. Now get out of the hole you just dug yourself. LOL.

The potential of seduction in virtual reality is enormous, of course. Some kinky scenes are there to be written, absolutely. But I'm not writing erotica and this isn't the chapter to push the envelope. Hell is very close to proving, once and for all, the true identity of her monitor (you know, but she doesn't, in case you're screaming blue murder at your end), and I'm (okay, HE) am not ready yet. I (HE) want to deepen the sexual bonding one step further because it's key to the remote viewing in virtual reality process that I've been exploring. Brain entrainment and all that. Mental triggers and all that.

Am I confusing you yet? ;-) I swear I'm not writing sci-fi. Or even fantasy. I call it spy-fi, LOL. What I have done is researched a bunch of government and CIA lab projects and linked them all together into One Massive Project, with my hero kind of in charge. He has this woman to train and he will do it, you bet, even if he has to cross the line, even sexually, to achieve it. And who is more perfect for this than Number....MmmmPhhhhmfph (Sorry, HE has his hand over my mouth)?

I'm going to take deep breath and reread it YET ONE MORE TIME and if I can't come up with the next move, I swear I'm going to delete it and start all over again today. I have to. I mean, I have to get the scene to look like this:

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Uber Sex Advice

I am still having trouble with my seduction scene. So I went a googling. I google when I'm stuck...it's sad. But lo...I found the link to an old interview I did (along with Alisa Kwitney and Lisa Kleypas) with an online magazine a few years ago:

SEX ADVICE FROM ROMANCE NOVELISTS

I laughed myself silly. You have to read it just to find out how I answered when they asked me the best way to give the first blow job.

Oh, and it's all tongue-in-cheek and snarky, done for fun, girls and boys.

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We Got To Talk About Uber Jack First!

I didn't watch the Golden Globes last night...because JACK BAUER was on. Are you crazy? Snub Jack for the GGs? ;-)

After watching first four hours of Jack's Day Six (Sunday and Monday), I can only say: Jet lag is the bitch, Jack. Fresh out of the Chinese gulag (eighteen months!), our superspy Jack had already had to chew a man's neck out (I'm not kidding--new Chinese delicacy, I think), had the strength to kick a terrorist out of the back of a subway into the tunnel, rush out to chase after terrorist-handler and crash into him, ran off again to meet with fellow agent to tail crashee, then watch an atomic bomb blowing up part of LA. All before breakfast.

So anyway, from what I gathered, the Golden Globes went to Grey's Anatomy, Hugh Laurie (House), Ugly Betty (YAY, I really like this show), Jennifer Hudson (Dream Girls). Actually, I would've given the Golden Globes to Katie Rees, the now uncrowned Miss Nevada, USA, heh heh heh. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just google her name for photos. Bwah. Beauty queens gone wild, tsk tsk. Whatevah happened to saving the world and teaching about global warming?

Yawn. Didn't see it. I'll catch the reallll thang, Zzzzz Oscars coming up very soon.

Last night I tried to write a really sexy scene between Helen and her trainer. It was a bust. Part of it had to do with Jack barfing all over his hand, dammit. The other part I blamed it on logistics of the scene. Trainer in one virtual room. Hell in another. I want the brain wave entrainment machine to start the process. Fine. And then what? It's tough not to go into woo-woo territory. I need to do this right but the only thing I could think of was the very unappealing teledildonics, which is basically a sexual toy shared by two people in two different locations, with each going through the motions of sex virtually. It's a real thing! It's called The Toy and you can actually buy this off the Internet.

But I'm totally not turned on by that sort of erotica between my commando and Helen. It's got to be sexier. So...back to square one.

Hmm. What would Jack Bauer do?

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Uber Good News!

Mood today:




I found out this weekend that I was nominated for the Romantic Times Best Romantic Intrigue category!

Here are the other nominees in my category:

TO THE BRINK (Cindy Gerard) -- Excellent book, btw, love her.
COVER OF NIGHT (Linda Howard) -- the goddess did it again.
CRAZY WILD (Tara Janzen) -- in my TBR (read the first one only and enjoyed it)
SLEEPING WITH THE AGENT (Gennita Low) -- I should be given the longest title award ;-).
CODENAME: BLONDIE (Christina Skye )
BLACKOUT (Annie Solomon)

There are two other suspense categories--romantic suspense and paranormal romantic suspense. My good friend, La Cherry Adair's been nominated in the latter category, so congrats Cherry Bo!

Marjorie Liu, that wonder woman, is also in the list. Congrats to you, girl. Now give me the ability to write a hundred thousand words a week, like you can. ;-)

For those who didn't see my investigative work on the Virtually His/Brad Pitt lookalike pic, I posted them together on Sunday. Score! Yes?

Happy Monday to you!

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Words For Sunday

This is for Aimee, who wanted to know about the song, Words. I was a total Bee Gees fan and then I was a TOTAL ANDY GIBB GIRRRrrrLLll ;-). This is Andy Gibb singing his brother's famous song. Hope you like it.

For those not into words, here are some pretttttyyyy Sunday pictures, scanned just for you!

We need to get Beckham to post for Dieux du Stade ;-).

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I'm Not Saying Anything!

;-D















LOL.
I
AM
NOT
SAYIN'
A
THANG.

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It's Only Words, Part Deux

Mood today:



I read this from Romancing The Blog:

"And here’s something wonderful you can do to support your favorite writers: Let them know what you love about their books. Not just that you couldn’t put it down (however, that’s wonderful information, too!) but what, specifically, you find so great about their books. It can be more than one thing, which is also wonderful information. It’ll not only be a mitzvah, it’ll help them get even better at what they already do well."

I must admit, most of my reader emails only tell me they love the book and don't provide much more. Surprisingly, I get a lot of love notes about Jed and Alex Diamond ;-). Questions are mostly aimed at when these two will have their own books and when the next book is coming out.

Very rarely do I get a long email about specific elements of my writing, unless it's from readers (hey, at least TWO people did!) who hated the book, then in that case, the persons did take the time to explain to me why and which part. I do wonder at the passion behind these emails because it takes effort to analyze and pinpoint elements in another's work. Sometimes, however, the critiques are just personal hot buttons.

For example, I received an email about Nikki and her hair a long time ago. I think the same person wrote a negative review on Amazon too because it was all about the hair and its length there too, LOL. The point of that particularly long critique was that hair like that was just not functional for a spy and so why, WHY DID I CHOOSE TO WRITE THAT ABOUT MY HEROINE?

Gosh, I dunno. Nikki just showed up with long hair, what can I say? In those days, being a new author, I always try to answer each email with some explanations but I quickly realized that this was a very bad idea. Because the reader is ALWAYS RIGHT. This particular reader hated long hair and thinks I was stupid to give Nikki hair with that length. She painstakingly told me that her hair used to be very long and it got caught while she entered an elevator. She couldn't imagine Nikki, being a spy and all, would choose to have hair that put her in danger.

So, as I learned from this experience, no matter how the author explained herself and her choices for the characters and their actions, the reader could rarely be convinced of the author's wisdom. The back and forth emails quickly became noticeably frustrating for both of us because this reader kept insisting that I made a mistake and I became more defensive about Nikki.

It hit me, on email #5, that it was TOTALLY ridiculous to be doing what I was doing. I'd spent three days, at that point, trying to justify a fictional character's long hair to an angry reader. No matter how I phrased it, the long hair was going to stay long because the story was already written. And if I had to rewrite it, I wouldn't have changed the length of Nikki's hair, anyway! So, the discussion (or my urge to please this reader) was really pointless. End of email exchange.

Then there was the one reader who wrote a two page email about how the tone, the voice, and the plot did NOT work. It made me feel as if she was rejecting my book for publication ;-). Needless to say, other than thanking the person for her trying my book and taking the time to analyze it, I didn't defend myself.

But, back to the original point, I very rarely get an email from a happy reader that gives details about what worked for her. Not that I'm complaining--a happy reader is a happy reader and I'm always happy to read emails that go "OMG! Hawk!" or "Loved it! Thank you!"

I suppose many authors also get the same type of emails--the wonderful feedback is enthusiastically short and the "critique" feedback comes in pages. I think happy readers have no reason to complain whereas unsatisfied ones would take the time to go to Amazon, for instance, to post a review. Why? No idea. For myself, I know I get really enthusiastic about an author I love and can discuss the book on and on. If I didn't like a particular book, I certainly would never write to the author to tell her why. Do you?

I don't know why you enjoy my stories but I'm happy that you do, and your presence here on my blog is my present every day because that alone tells me you're insane, like me. ;-). Anyone who sticks with me through my nekkid veges will sooner or later get some kilt and under-the-kilt pictures...we all know that! LOL.

End of Friday diatribe. Coming this weekend: Sexy photos to balance out, ha!

Sing-along, put your head back and howl with me:
"You think
that I don't even mean
a single word I sayyyyyyyyyyy!
It's only words...
and words are all I have
to take your heart away...."

::sniff::

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Green Green, You Uber Bad Color...

Stayed up all night reading the rest of the "galley" for Virtually His. Nope, didn't finish but I think I'll be able to get everything done by date line. I caught quite a few typos and odd type-setting, so now I'm worried about how many I actually missed!

When I make enough money, I'm going to have to hire LEIHA to read my galley for typos and whatnots ;-). You hear that, Leiha?????!

Being an author, I'm, without saying, compulsive-obsessive about the oddest things. So I did a quick search about the color "green" on covers. I found two fascinating articles, one on fashion magazines and why they avoid GREEN and one written by the fabulous Stephanie Bond about romance covers in general.

Here's the ARTICLE about why fashion magazines studiously AVOID green--as in dress, background, lettering etc. Even though studies have shown that it may be just an urban myth, screams of horror still happen when green is used.

You get a bird's eye view on how marketing is run, anyway!

"Green!? It's the hottest color this season? OMG! NONONONOnononono! The sales of the magazine will go down! Green can't be the hottest color! Say it's not so! Get Christian D. on the phone for me! That Christian, pulling my leg like that!"

Here is Stephanie Bond's ESSAY ON ROMANCE COVERS. Again, the fear of green among authors and marketing.

Your task today: Look at your book shelves. How many green covers do you see? And they books you picked up because of the author or because you were trying something new?

Just wondering.

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Virtually Hers Cover

Because of my SNAFU with my Art Sheet, I spent all morning detailing Book Three (yes, I also asked myself how I was supposed to know about crucial scenes still unrealized in my head) and getting together character pictures for the cover department. I don't know why I even bother ;-) since the results NEVER look like any of the sexy pictures I sent, LOL.

Anyway, here is the official cover of Book Two, which I spent a whole weekend on for...oh nothing.... My idea was more La Femme Nikita-ish with lots of artwork from Luis Royo. Ah well. Book Three Art Sheet done, thank God. Hopefully, they'll do a "couple" for that one.

What do you think? I SHOULD NOT HAVE SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED: "NO GREEN" because...LOL, I got a green cover. //banging head on table //slitting wrist //dies from frustration. Overall, I like it, but you're the consumer, you tell me. You can click to enlarge:

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Uber Chomp Chomp!

Well, fashion is EASY for uber-roofer today--a GATOR t-shirt, of course ;-). The Gators chomped on some poor Buckeyes last night and then spewed the bits and pieces all over the field in Arizona just to add insult to injury. The Gators tore up the ass of Troy, the OSU Heismann Trophy winner. The Gators made, here it comes--GATORADE (bwah!)--out of some silly nut from Ohio.

WoooT!

Okay, seriously. That was just to make my siblings mad at me. They live in Ohio, you know. And of course, I'm a Buckeye too. But hey, what can I say? I like being on the winning team, nyah!

*****

Today I found out that I did the WRONG ARTSHEET for MIRA this weekend. I mentioned how busy I had been, filling it cover information, blah-blah-blah. It turns out that they were asking me cover information for the THIRD book, the one I hadn't even started yet! Gah. I guess it's back to brain work tonight. Of course, now you know why the covers don't ever look like the story in the book, since everything is done by different department and everything is happening at the same time. If you've been keeping up, the first book is being reread and type-set, the second book is being written and marketed, and the third book is having a cover conference. You just wait till that magical moment when the arc (book one) is being read, the revisions and edits (book two) are being done, and the synopsis (book three) is being written--that's when you go ArrrrghHHhhh. Head pounding and whimpering ensue,,,,

*******

FIRST MIRACLE OF 2007. This must be recorded. It's that phenomenal. Ranger Buddy, Caveman aka TotallyMedieval Man aka GrumpyNoTechEvahMan....TEXT MESSAGED for the first time. OMG! He asked how it was done at lunch, so I whipped out my Cell and hit my messages and said, "Here you go, a message for me. Watch me type out a reply." "No, no, no, let me!" And it was funny watching those big tarred fingers punching my cell's little inny-mini buttons.

HE DID IT! Now I call him TextMessageMedievalMan (TMTM). If I learn how to superscript the trademark logo, it would be TMTM(TM). Heeheehee.

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It's Only Words

Well, my OU Bobcats got thoroughly spanked last night in football. And I mean spanked HARD. Hey, John S., if you're reading today, are you weeping? Or cracking up, because, of course we only remember our good old Bobcats who were so, so, so bad?

Today is also a decision making day. A decision of the utmost importance, that can make or break a whole day. It's THAT important.

Hmm. Should I wear:



or



;-)

Of course, tomorrow, I wear the winning team's cap. No problem at all! Heehee.

I had a busy weekend. My galley arrived and it looks different from my Avon one. It looks like a regular manuscript with numbers for each line down the side of the page. I thought all galley looks like a xeroxed copy of the book as printed.

There were many typos in it too! For example, the typist (or are they called typesetter?) obviously did a search and replace for "damn it" to "dammit," and there was a headscratcher. The original sentence was:

and Concem--damn its think tanks--

The newly weirded sentence:

and Comcen--dammit think tanks--

Argghhhh. So I have to really read this galley closely to see what else had been mistyped.

"It's only words...and words are all I have..."

I also needed to fill in the Art Sheet for Book II. It's where you tell the marketing side more about the visual aspects of your story--things they might be able to use for the artwork. MIRA has an extensive questionaire and it took me a couple of hours answering the questions. They did such a good job with my first cover, Virtually His, that I want to help them as much as possible! I'm also sending them some theme photos of TV shows, movies and other interesting visuals.

"You think that I don't even mean

a single word I say...

It's only words and words are all I have

to take your heart away..."

Lastly, I had to squeeze in writing, of course. So my brain is a little bit tired.

And how was your weekend? ;-) Your turn to hum that song for the rest of the day for me, girlz and boyz.

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Uber Spy Is All About Illusion

The last few posts about Anita Blake comics and Anita Blake in written form prove one thing. A good book is all about the writer's skill in manipulating the readers' willingness to suspend their disbelief.

Think of me in the video below, manipulating you ;-).



And hopefully, you'll go with me for the ride and be entertained ;-).

Oh, and if it doesn't work? I'll just throw sexy vegetables at you:

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I'm Not In The Comics Yet but...

WOOT!

A friend of mine, Lauren Dane (she writes really hot romances!), pointed me to this link:

BEST OF 2006 LIST

from a blog that reviews romance books. The reviewer, Jennifer B., has picked one of my books as her favorite read in 2006! She also picked Anne Stuart, Cindy Gerard and Marjorie Liu, three of my favorite authors. It's too cool to be named among them since I really love their writing so much. The best line was about how much she enjoyed all my other books too. Double WOOT! That's so good to hear right now here, what with my struggles last year.

Thank you, Jennifer B.

***********

A Malaysian newspaper has contacted me about an interview! Gulp. I mean, seriously. Seriously. This is strange. What if my old friends read about me? Seriously. My family will kill me. I just know they will ;-).

Wow, it's been a strange month so far--conference speaker, workshop, online course, and now overseas newspaper article.

Next move--Gennita Low's Marlena Maxwell in serial comics! Yeah...LOL... wait till you see them draw the PEARLS SCENE.

***********

Hey, I don't see why I must be the ONLY ONE being tortured by Anita comics. These are collectors' items, btw, since they'd sold out within weeks. So, I guess many readers disagree with me that Anita isn't the same Anita when she's in comic form!

Just click on the picture to see the big version:



Here's anita being tortured by Nikalaos. It's called the ribbon effect torture ;-).



This is Anita alone against the monsters and ghouls. To think she's going to sex it up with these eventually... :shudder:



Anita meeting the seductive Jean Claude at the club. Click to enlarge pic to read. *sob* Jean Claude...more frillysilly than seductive...sob* Your pants are too tight. I cannot stand the Jheri Curls. Why do the main characters all talk with their chins stuck to their necks?

:slits wrists again:

Like I said before, why not share my brain pain? ;-)

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Super Uber Speaker!

And I'm not talking about me being a speaker at a conference either ;-).

Don't care about your political beliefs but LET'S GIVE A SHOUT OUT to the new LADY SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, Nancy Kickass Pelosi! ;-) That's third in line to the Presidency, girls and boys, and I think it's about time too. Girl power! Heh, heh. I suddenly get this image of Nancy Pilosi in Power Ranger costume, LOL.

Now, the next thing, the most important thing on the House's agenda--a WOMAN'S BATHROOM near the chambers and not five miles away, dammit! Why should the men have theirs (more than one) right next door so they can just slip in and out in the middle of voting important shi-te and our women have to run down the hall, across another room, take a left, take a right AND THEN line up for one measly powder room? And we can't just slip in and out, get what I mean? We can't have the Speaker of the House, the THIRD IN LINE to the Presidency, hurrying down the hall during an woman's emergency AND MISS breaking THE TIEBREAKER vote now, can we?!

I mean, I know how tough it is, being a man's territory and NO female facilities nearby. There I am, hours on the roof, and men just whip their thangs out left and right behind trees and bushes (they forget to look UP, in case a woman might be sitting above them on the roof, haha). You have to get the timing right--before work, midday at restaurant, and after work. It's tough for those who need to go often.

There is, of course, the portolet:

Oh shit, I mean:



LOL.

Sorry, finger slipped there.

LOL.

But you really don't want to go inside one of these after MANY MEN have used it. Really, you don't. For one thing, it's disgusting. For another, it's VERY disgusting. Also, men revert into boys in these bathrooms. Toilet paper is always a misused item, meaning it's rolled into wads for no other reason than to annoy. And the graffiti is so juvenile, you would think there is no way these adults around you could have drawn these obscene stick figures with huge protrusions on the walls, doing graphic acts, and calling each other names. And the sad thing is, men--boys--REPLY each other's graffiti. And betraying a lot more than their crude thoughts.

Favorite example:

Blacks have bigger dicks.

Replied underneath: Oh yeah? We have bigger brians.

Bwahahahahaha. This was shown to me by RB, of course, because he just had to share. So anyway, for days afterwards, when I called him "dummy," or "stupid," or "idiot," he just told me that I was wrong because he had the bigger "brian."

I wonder whether the men's bathroom in Congress has similar griffiti? I can see it now: VOTE FOR US!: WE HAVE BIGGER BRIANS!

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Grossious Mocious, EVIL VAMPIRES, BATMAN!

Here is one reason why reading a horror-romance about vampires is never going to translate well into comic-book art. I'm sorry, Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake in COMIC BOOK form doesn't intrigue me the way the first ten books of Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter did. In fact, the following pictures made me whimper. A LOT.

This is Anita Blake:



If you've never read these books, Anita, in the first ten, anyway, is a kick-ass licensed vampire hunter.

Here is the Were Rat King after transformation:



Of course, when you're reading it, you don't actually quite SEE HOW RIDICULOUS a giant were-rat really looks in cut-off jeans. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

This is Nikaloos, the first BIG BAD of the series. She's a child-vampire, very, very powerful:



The comic art doesn't even convey the menace of this very old vampire in a child's body, the way LKH described with words. Again, I'm sorry, scripting "HAHAHAHA" as part of the dialogue just loses some evil impact ;-).

This is Winter, who, to be honest, is described by LKH as a character who lifts weights all the time. So, umm, that explains the gigantor arms that are bigger than his peanut head. Sigh.



Lastly. OMG. Lastly, here is Jean Claude, the eventual lover to Anita Blake:



OMG.

That's either Prince pretending to be Little Richard or vice-versa.

OMG.

:whimper:

And I was such a Jean Claude Girrrrl too.

:whimper:

Comic Art is great, don't get me wrong--I love comic books, especially the old Superheroes. However, it doesn't sing to my soul the way a book does ;-). And no, I don't want to imagine the sex scenes between Anita and were-Richard. Arrghhhhhh. :bleaching brain:

And my Jean Claude...sob** What have they done to you?

:slits wrists and dies:

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2007!

Happy New Year!

It's 75 degrees, balmy, BLUE SKIES, not a drop of snow, and my garden is thriving. I take that as a promise of a great year ahead for me, thankyewvellymuch.



See the nice green grass ;-)? I took this picture to send off to my dear ones in CO. They didn't seem to appreciate my "warm vibes," calling me all sorts of un-New Year-like names. Hmmmph.

So did you watch TV and watch the ball fall? Say hi to the not-so-teen-looking-any more Mr. Dick Clark? His voice was so rough last night. It's hard to sound hip when your voice is like Larry King's.

I totally missed the countdown because we were actually watching some weird channels for once. Lifetime was showing a remake of American Idol's Fantasia's life story as well as an episode of a medium who speaks to the dead. I mean, a Real Medium. She is British but lives in America and she walks around giving readings to strangers and wows them with accurate descriptions of their relatives who'd passed on. At the same time, the History channel was doing The History of Sex and I caught the segments on the decadent 1700s with Casanova and Marquis de Sade and their proclivities. What a weird smorgasbord of programs to end the year, eh? We remembered to click back to Dick Clark just in time to hear TWO, ONE, and see the ball drop, followed by the fireworks. Since we missed the countdown, we set the clock back a minute and did our own ;-). Heh, heh.

So, resolutions, resolutions. Did you make any?

This year, for myself, I resolve to better take care of my body. 2006 sucked because I was incapacitated in various parts of the year. So I'm going to start my old regimen of stretches and yogic visualization that I'd not done in years and irrigate the insides.

My health problems had more impact on my writing than I really want to admit, so I'm going to get the health part back on track and hopefully, that would bring back my creative focus too.

This year, for others, I resolve to give more to help children's health foundations. Last year, I concentrated more on hunger (poverty) causes, which is still the root of a lot of the social problems that victimize children, but I'm going to add health organizations like Cystic Fibrosis in 2007.

This year, my challenge is to find the courage to get up in front of a roomful of people and make an INSPIRING speech as closing speaker to a conference. I have four months to steel my nerves and untangle my tongue. Argghhhhhhh. Just thinking about it gives me heart palpitations. I'm so going to fall on my face.

This year, I'm going to draw and quarter at least one crapenter who thinks a roof is just plywood nailed together like a jigsaw puzzle. Just kidding, just kidding....

Come on, let me hear you declare to the world your 2007 challenges!

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